Needing to feel his skin under my palms, I reached for the hem of his shirt and removed it. I’d seen Derek shirtless many times before, but it felt as though I were seeing him for the first time. Appreciating the hard lines of honed muscle, I ran my hands over his rippled abdomen, hard chest, and strong shoulders. I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of his skin, needing him more and more with every breath I took. He was intoxicating. His hands moved to the button of my jeans, scorching a path over my skin. I sharply sucked in a gulp of air and felt him hesitate.
“Is this okay?”
“Yes, Derek. Don’t stop,” I breathed.
Sliding the zipper down, his hand slipped under the waistband of my panties. When he made gentle contact with my already moist folds, I nearly collapsed from pleasure. It had been too long since I last surrendered to a man’s touch. I didn’t realize how much I needed this physical connection again to feel normal. My back arched, and I moaned.
When I pictured Derek and me together for the first time, I thought it might be shadowed with memories of that final night with Ethan and all the terrible nights before that. Instead, I was filled with an incredible sense of power, knowing I was about to give my body willingly. It was up to me to decide when I wanted to share it and when I didn’t. I owned it—and we owned tonight.
He worked his finger gently through my swollen flesh and teased my clit, the repeated flicking motions caused me to squirm. Pushing one finger in, he flexed it against the heated walls just inside my entrance. When he pushed in another finger, my hands flew up to grip his hair, the buildup to my orgasm coming swift and sweet.
“Oh God,” I moaned, convulsing around his fingers. I stiffened beneath his merciless hand and came quickly and unexpectedly. White-hot flames overtook me, blinding me in a surge of heat as I went over the edge. I shuddered as the climax rocketed through my body and nearly collapsed from the intensity.
Derek caught me, my body yielding against his hard lines as he carried me to the bedroom. Setting me down, I laid back on the mattress and practically purred as he worked my jeans and panties down my legs, leaving a trail of kisses along my thighs, calves, and ankles.
Still wearing his pants, he positioned himself above my almost-naked body, careful to balance his weight on his elbows, so he didn’t crush me. Brushing a stray piece of hair from my forehead, he studied me as if he was waiting for me to give him permission before continuing.
“Are you sure you want this?” he eventually asked. I smiled at how thoughtful he was.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
Cupping my cheek, his lips moved to meld with mine. I kissed him desperately, our tongues sliding deep, clashing, and tasting. He suckled down the line of my neck and reached behind me to unclasp my bra, his fingers fumbling with the clasp for a moment before I heard him curse under his breath.
“What’s wrong?”
“The damn clasp. The way it happens in the movies is bullshit. These double hooks are a bitch when you can’t see what you’re doing.”
I laughed. “Here. Let me.”
“No, I want to take my time undressing you. Roll over.”
I flipped onto my stomach, and deft fingers roamed up my sides before coming together to effortlessly unhook the back clasp of my bra. His hands slid down my arms to lower the straps, placing feather-light kisses along my spine as he went. Brushing away the wisps of hair at my neck, his tongue found my ear. Nibbling on my earlobe, the full weight of him pressed down against my back.
Immediately, I felt as if I were suffocating. I couldn’t breathe—images of the past reared up and smacked me in the face.
The glint of a butcher knife.
The hard press of fingers against my throat.
The sound of pants dropping to the floor.
Ragged panting breaths drowning out desperate pleas.
And the pain…
“Get off me!” I screamed. “Get off, get off!”
Derek moved quickly, jumping off the bed with his hands raised.
“What is it? Did I do something wrong? Are you okay?”
My chest heaved and it took me a minute to process his words. When I saw his panicked expression, my eyes filled with angry tears. I was so sure—so damn sure—I could do this.
I was wrong.
Ethan shattered a part of me I would never be able to get back—not even with someone as kind and as tender as Derek. My anger turned to embarrassment.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just tell me what’s wrong.” When I didn’t answer right away, he pressed on. “Talk to me, Sparky.”
I shook my head and covered my naked breasts with one arm, using my free hand to reach for the edge of the bed comforter. Pulling it around to cover my body, I had to fight off the trembling that threatened to take over. It wasn’t fair for me to drag this man through all of my crap.
“I’m fucked up, Derek. That’s what’s wrong. You should just… just go home.”
Getting up from the bed, I went into the living room wrapped in the bulky blanket. Derek followed close behind.
“Oh, hell no. You’re going to tell me what just happened in there,” he said, pointing back toward the bedroom.
“I already told you. There are things in my past that are too painful to talk about. Please don’t ask me to.”
“No, the way you screamed just now…” He trailed off and shook his head. He took a step forward as though he wanted to touch me, but then thought better of it. “This shell you keep yourself in… I don’t understand why, after all of these months, you haven’t opened up to me. I feel things for you, strong things I can’t put into words because I know I’d risk scaring you off. If you feel anything for me at all, you’ll help me understand why you’re afraid to let me in.”
“You think I don’t feel, too? That’s the problem, Derek! I feel everything too damn much! I feel all the good with you, but all the other shit keeps getting in my way! Welcome to my post-shitty life!”
“Your what?”
“Never mind,” I muttered, shaking my head. “Look, I want to shut off those other feelings, but I can’t!
“What other feelings? What are you trying to shut off?”
Tears stung the backs of my eyes, but I blinked them away. I wanted to run—to hide. My gaze flitted around the room for a place to escape—the closet, the bathroom—anywhere would do as long as I could shed these angry tears without having to see the sadness and pity in Derek’s eyes.
“Please, just go. I’m really sorry, but I think it’s for the best.”
He stood there, staring at me for a long while. I could feel his penetrating gaze but I was afraid to look at him. If I did, I knew I would break. When he eventually spoke, his voice was near a whisper.
“I need to know what happened to you. I want the truth.”
My eyes snapped up to meet his.
“You want the truth?” I bit out. It was on the tip of my tongue to shout out the iconic line from A Few Good Men. I stifled the maniacal laughter threatening to bubble past my lips. The reality was, I knew Derek could, in fact, handle the truth. It was me who didn’t want to face it.
“Talk to me, Val.”
I laughed bitterly at the use of my fake name, the realization of how screwed up this was truly hitting me for the first time. All of this pretending…and for what? Ethan would always have the power. I looked pointedly at Derek, my next words coming out hard and resentful.