I was too wrapped up in what I thought was her rejection of me to worry about what might have been going on in her life. It’s unbearable to think that Thomas and Emily Cater might be suffering now because of my failure to realise twelve years ago that not everything was about me.
Flora’s suffering is more complicated. She has to be one of the main liars behind all this, whatever it is, but I’ve twice seen her behave like a victim.
‘That could be what “Chimpy”’s about, if Chimpy’s Georgina,’ Zannah goes on. ‘Lewis and Flora and their kids are all perfect-looking, aren’t they? Kevin and Yanina’s kid might not have been. From what you’ve said about Lewis, I can imagine him giving someone an insulting nickname, and expecting them to find it funny.’
‘Taunting,’ I mutter.
‘What?’ says Zan.
‘You’re right. Lewis liked to taunt people with nicknames, so you might be right about Chimpy. But what if he took it further?’
‘How?’
‘If you call your youngest two children names that your oldest two already have, and make them wear their old clothes and shoes … Couldn’t there be an element of taunting there too?’
‘That’s creepy, Mum.’
It is. And if it’s not true, if it’s miles away from the truth, then maybe I’m the sick one for dreaming it up. Flora would never willingly harm a child, especially not her own.
Lewis is a different matter. I have no idea what he’s capable of, and I can’t help asking myself the question: what if he chose to call his youngest children Thomas and Emily as a deliberate act of cruelty?
Dom’s hovering in the hall when Zannah and I get home. ‘PC Pollard rang,’ he says, trying to sound matter-of-fact. In the short silence that follows, I hear the gloating he’s trying so hard not to indulge in: I told you he would.
I drop my bag on the floor – something I frequently moan at the children for doing. ‘What did he say?’
‘Tell me about school first.’
‘It’s all fine. Sorted.’
‘I was hoping for a bit more detail than that.’ Seeing my glare, Dom says, ‘Pollard went to 16 Wyddial Lane.’
‘Himself? I thought he was going to send child protection people?’
‘I don’t know. He said he went himself.’
‘Do you think that means he passed it on to child protection and they weren’t convinced enough to do anything?’
‘I’ve no way of knowing.’
‘Try letting Dad speak,’ Zannah suggests.
‘He talked to Kevin Cater and Yanina, and also to the children: Thomas and Emily. Had a nice long chat with them all, he said. In his opinion, all’s well and there’s nothing to worry about.’
‘Nothing to worry about?’ Don’t lose it, Beth. Don’t scream. Think about how insane Miss Hosmer sounded on Zannah’s video. You don’t want to sound like that. ‘What did you say, when he said that?’ I ask.
‘I thanked him for looking into it and for letting me know he had.’
‘That’s all?’
‘Yes. Should I have said something else? He’d done all he was going to do, and, let’s face it, he needn’t have done anything.’
‘But, Dad, you know there’s something to worry about: all the things that still don’t make sense.’
‘Pollard knows about those things too,’ I say quietly.
Dom looks past me into the middle distance, as if listening intently to someone behind me that I can’t see or hear. I’ve got a strong feeling that person is begging him not to lose his temper.
‘You’re right, Beth. Pollard knows everything that’s happened, he’s been to the house, and the net result of all that is what I’ve just told you: he’s satisfied nothing more needs to be done.’
‘And so we should be too? Did he go to Thomas’s school? Did he talk to Lou Munday?’
‘I don’t know. He didn’t say anything about the school.’
‘Course he didn’t go to the school,’ says Zannah.
‘Did he find out if Georgina Braid is dead or still alive?’
Dom looks puzzled – as if this is the last question he’d have expected me to ask. ‘He didn’t mention Georgina at all.’
‘And you didn’t either?’
‘No, I didn’t.’
‘Did he speak to any of the Caters’ neighbours? Did you tell him about the shoes?’
‘The …’ He looks puzzled. Then he remembers. ‘No, I didn’t tell him about Thomas Cater’s fucking shoes!’ Dom snaps. ‘I’m sick of this, Beth. Do you want to know why I didn’t ask all the questions you wish I’d asked? I don’t care any more! Whatever the Braids are up to, I don’t give a shit, as long as I can get my life back – the life that didn’t involve talking about the Braids and the Caters every waking second of every day.’
‘That’s understandable,’ I say. Now that he’s lost his temper, I feel calmer. ‘I’ve been expecting you to share my level of obsession. It wasn’t fair of me. I’m sorry, okay.’
Dom eyes me suspiciously.
‘I promise I’ll stop talking to you about this soon,’ I say, knowing he won’t notice the ‘to you’, or think about what it might mean. ‘I have one more question: did Pollard say anything else, apart from what you’ve told me? Anything at all.’
‘Yes.’ Dom looks trapped. I know how he feels. I also know I’m not prepared to feel it for much longer. ‘He told me Kevin Cater admitted lying to us about his children’s names. Cater told him he’d been reluctant to reveal the real names because he was worried you had a strange obsession with his children.’
‘Did he or Yanina admit that they both pretended she was Jeanette when we went round?’
‘I don’t know. That wasn’t mentioned. And that was a second question. You said only one. I mean it, Beth. You can let this take over your life if you want, but I’m not letting it take over mine. If you want Pollard to do something else …’
‘I don’t want him to do anything.’
‘He spooned it.’ Zannah’s voice rings with contempt.
‘I’m the one who needs to find out what’s going on,’ I say, thinking about Pam Swain’s podcast exercise: you imagine that each choice goes amazingly well, and then you choose which of those ideal outcomes would be the most ideal. It doesn’t work at all. My choice number two was leaving it up to Pollard to do what needs to be done. That’s the one I chose, in my head, and look how it’s turned out.
Or maybe Pam’s exercise works brilliantly …
Yes. It does. You can’t choose between two alternatives without thinking realistically about the people involved.
With Pollard being who he is, with his level of interest and care, and doing things in the way that he does them as a result, choice number two has already gone as well as it could have. For it to go any better, you’d need to replace Pollard with someone more determined, more obsessed, more willing to do whatever it takes – ideally, someone who once loved Flora Braid and her children.