Going back to sleep isn’t a possibility. I’m afraid to close my eyes and come face to face with the people I’ve loved and lost one more time. I sit in the seat in the corner of the room and stare out the window.
I volunteered to join the Army before the draft, and my family didn’t understand. Étienne was exempted from joining because of his poor vision. Nat’s husband, Oliver, was eligible and, much to his dismay, did what was asked of him. Pleas waited until a week before he was to leave before he told his close friends. I could envision Rainey using a rifle to protect herself and the people around her with relative ease. I couldn’t with Pleas. He believed in third, fourth, and fifth chances. Didn’t care much for the annual fox hunts. He preferred resolution in a peaceful manner that didn’t require bloodshed.
The night before he left, I spoke to him and asked him what made him want to join. For several seconds, he was quiet. Like always, he remained calm and collected. He looked over at me and lifted a shoulder. “This is the right thing to do.”
I joined to find my worth. To find what I’m meant to do in this world. I joined to find a bit of myself because after my accident years ago, I haven’t been the same. I don’t remember that time. I don’t remember being attacked and left for dead. Or the time I spent at Belgrave recuperating. I simply know because my family told me.
I discovered I wasn’t going to find my answers in France in trenches. I probably wasn’t going to find it here, either. And now I was left to figure out what I was going to do next with my life.
Many times, I’ve wondered where I’d be right now if I hadn’t joined the Army. Would I be drinking so profoundly? I’d like to think no. Would I have intense nightmares? I know for certain I wouldn’t.
Placing the liquor on the floor, I let my hands dangle between my legs and close my eyes. “Pourquoi suis-je toujours là?”
The jostling of the car makes me groan as I press the brakes to park in front of the steps leading to Belgrave. Wearing the same clothes as yesterday, I take the steps two at a time and immediately regret the fast-moving action. I know I’m late. Incredibly late. If I don’t get an earful from Serene, I certainly will from Rainey.
On cue, Ben opens the door, and in spite of my splitting headache, I manage to say thank you. Étienne’s office door is open. He’s at work, and the first floor is relatively quiet save for a few servants moving here and there. Serene is nowhere to be found, and for that, I’m grateful.
Might as well find Rainey and get this over with.
The intent of last night was to forget all about Rainey and have a warm body in my bed. Instead, I had the worst nightmares since I came back from the war and drank until I passed out. I don’t have nightmares every night but quite often. At times, the setting would transform. Trenches, smoke-filled fields, and a forest with trees all around. But there was always the sight of blood coating my hands and the echoes of screams of no one I could save. They left me tense, shaken, tired, and afraid because I knew they were never going to stop.
This morning, I woke up sprawled across the library floor and drooling on the design of the house I started months ago but never finished. I had ample amount of time to do what I loved the most, but I only seemed compelled to pull out my designs when I couldn’t think long enough to change my mind. Very few people knew of my secret hobby that had turned into my only passion, and I intended on keeping it that way.
“If you’re searching for Miss Pleasonton, I believe she’s in the ballroom,” Ben provides for me.
“Once again, you come to my rescue, Ben,” I say and dip my head.
My feet are heavy as I walk up the stairs. It seemed like a good idea when I told Serene I’d help address the invitations. Anything to drive Rainey mad, right?
As I heavily lean on the banister for support, I begin to regret ever saying yes. My witticism isn’t up to par, so I won’t stand a chance today. It will be a miracle if I don’t get sick in one of the large vases in the ballroom.
I exhale loudly when I make it to the second floor. My feet plod against the floor. Why am I putting myself through this misery? It’s simple. There’s a small part of me that’s utterly terrified to be alone. I used to believe my demons only found me at night, but now I’m not so sure. And I’d rather spend the day with a headache and looming sickness and Rainey as company any day than experience the bad dreams I had last night.
The ballroom door creaks in protest when I open it. It’s a noise that I routinely ignore, but today, it makes me wince and earns Rainey’s attention. She stops organizing the invitations placed on the table in front of her long enough to look me up and down.
“Well, well, well … the king of the South decided to show up,” she says, her tone droll.
With my temples pounding, I step deeper into the room and immediately regret it. Citrus oil fills my nostrils and makes me want to hurl. A servant must have been in here earlier. Normally, I wouldn’t mind the scent, but today, it’s repugnant. I wince at the bright light filling the vast space and rub my temples. “My God, has this ballroom always been so bright?”
She straightens her spine and narrows her eyes at me. “Are you foxed?”
“No. I was foxed last night. I now have a headache, and you hollerin’ does not help one bit.”
“I do apologize, I’ve merely been waitin’ here for nearly an hour.”
I take my time walking across the room. To the unknowing eye, it’s a slow stride. For me, I’m reminding myself the sickness shall pass in an hour’s time. “Where’s Serene?” I ask.
Rainey perfectly aligns the four pens in the middle of the table, not bothering to spare me a glance. “I’m not certain. I wasn’t scheduled to meet her. I was scheduled to meet you.”
The corner of my mouth attempts to curve into a crooked grin. I simply don’t have it in me to be the jovial Livingston she knows me as. “Well, I’m here, so let’s get to it.”
Sighing, Rainey grabs the pen in front of her. I’ve been late numerous times before, yet today, she’s unnaturally angry with me. Did last night not go well? Did Duncan make unwelcome advances after I left the restaurant? No, he wouldn’t. Étienne would have informed me if the bastard did. Besides, it’s none of my concern.
I clear my throat. “What is it you need me to do?”
Impatiently, Rainey lifts her gaze and turns in my direction. The action sends a whiff of her perfume in my direction. “I need you to address these invites for the ball in your best penmanship. Can you do that?”
“Are you askin’ if I can write? Yes. Yes, I can,” I respond stoically as I sit down.
Unamused, Rainey returns to addressing each invite. I look at the stack of empty envelopes and the invites. Once again, I’m baffled by all of this. Is this a ball or a wedding?
“The guest list is right here.” Rainey taps the paper between us with the tip of her pen. “After you write the name and address, just cross them out and move to the next.”
“Can you explain that to me once more?” I ask flatly. “I don’t think I quite understand the directions.”
Rainey shakes her head, her lips moving to a firm line before she gets to work. Judging from the small list of names already crossed out, it seems as though Rainey got a head start. I grab an envelope and start at the bottom of the page. We work in silence with only the sound of our pens scraping against the paper to cushion the stillness. I must admit, this task is methodical and almost relaxing. For a few moments, I almost forget my temples are pounding.