“Come on,” Aria said. “Let’s go.”
As expected, Lily turned shy again the moment we stood in front of the guys. My protective side made me want to step in front of her and shield her from everything, but I knew she’d be embarrassed if I did something like that. My gaze found Matteo’s eyes; they were warm; they were a normal guy’s eyes, and for an instant I wanted to believe the lie he was so good at telling, but I forced myself to break our staring contest.
“The birthday girl,” Matteo said with a smile at Lily, arms crossed over his chest. He looked so approachable and harmless, and I knew he was doing it on purpose because of Lily. Despite my best intentions not to, I felt grateful, and at the same time couldn’t help but wonder how he could be so kind and funny one moment, when he was capable of the horrible things I’d seen in September.
“Not yet,” Lily said, biting her lip. “Unless you have an early present for me.” I almost exploded with relief. I’d worried Lily would be as nervous as last time when she’d see Matteo, but he was a master manipulator and had her wrapped around his finger again.
“I like the way you think,” Matteo said with a wink. He took her suitcase then held out his arm for her to take. She glanced between Matteo and me. “Won’t you carry Gianna’s luggage?”
“Luca can take care of it,” Matteo said, eyes dancing with mirth as they settled on me. Why did he have to be so…tolerable? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he had a suspicion I was trying to figure out a way to run away from our impending marriage.
I narrowed my eyes at him before turning to Lily. “Go on.”
She linked arms with Matteo and they walked ahead. Luca took my suitcase without a word before following after his brother and my younger sister. I fell back with Aria. “Maybe Father should have married Lily off to Matteo instead of me,” I said, only half-joking. She seemed to have no trouble getting along with him.
“Matteo needs someone like you, someone who talks back to him. I don’t think she could handle him.”
I snorted. “But you think I can?”
Aria searched my face. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Later,” I whispered, and she nodded with a glance toward Luca and Matteo.
* * *
I didn’t get the chance to talk to Aria until much later that day, and only because Luca and Matteo had business to conduct in their dance club “Sphere.” Romero was still there but Lily had convinced him to play Scrabble with her in the living room so he was occupied as I led Aria out onto the roof terrace despite the cold. Once we stood at the edge of the roof, she turned to me. “You’re up to something, aren’t you?”
I hesitated, suddenly feeling guilty for even considering to involve Aria. “I can’t do this, Aria. I want out. Out of this world. Out of my arranged marriage. Just out.”
Her face became still, blue eyes wide. “You want to run?”
The wind had picked up and tore at my hair, but I wasn’t certain if that was the only reason why I shivered. “Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” I said, though sometimes doubt kept me awake at night. This was a huge step. “Ever since the Bratva attacked the mansion and I saw what Matteo is capable of, I knew I had to run.”
“It’s not just Matteo, you know that, right? He isn’t any worse than any other Made Man.”
“That makes it even worse. I know that pretty much all the men in our world are capable of horrible things, and one day even Fabi will be, and I hate it, hate every second I’m trapped in this messed-up world.”
“I thought you and Matteo were getting along better. You didn’t try to rip each other’s head off today.”
“He’s trying to manipulate me. Didn’t you see how easily he could make Lily forget her nervousness around him?”
Aria shrugged. “It could be worse. Most men wouldn’t have forgiven you for giving him such a hard time, but he really seems to like you.”
Did he? I was never sure with Matteo. He was too good at hiding his emotions, at choosing the mask he wanted to show to the world. “Are you on his side?” I asked with a bit more force than I’d intended.
“I’m not on his side. I’m just trying to show you an alternative to running away.”
Stunned, I said, “Why? You know I’ve never wanted this life. Why are you trying to make me stay?”
Aria glared, gripping my wrist. “Because I don’t want to lose you, Gianna!”
“You won’t lose me.”
“Yes, I will. Once you’ve run away, we can’t ever see each other again, maybe not even talk unless we figure out a way to do it without risking the mob tracing you.”
Of course, in the back of my mind, I’d known that would be the result of my escape, but I’d pushed it aside, not able to bear the thought. “I know,” I whispered. “You could come with me.”
Aria parted her lips in surprise and even before she spoke I knew her answer. “I can’t.”
I nodded, facing away from her and letting my gaze wander over New York. I blinked a few times. “Because you love Luca.”
She put her hand on mine. “Yes, but that’s not the only reason. I can’t leave Fabi and Lily behind either, and I’ve made peace with this life. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’m okay with it.”
Guilt crashed down on me. “Do you think I’m abandoning them if I leave?”
“They’ll understand. Not everyone is cut out for a life in this world. You’ve always wanted to live a normal life, and they’ll still have me. You have to think of yourself. I just want you to be happy.”
I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her hair. “I don’t think I can be happy here.”
“Because you don’t want to marry a killer, because you can’t live with what Matteo does.”
“No,” I said quietly. “Because I can see myself being okay with it.”
Aria drew back, pale brows drawn together. “What’s wrong with that?”
I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time because I had a feeling that Aria wouldn’t have asked that question before Luca. “Are you okay with what Luca does? Don’t you ever lie awake at night feeling guilty for being married to a man like him?”
“We come from a family of men like him.” She stepped back, her arms dropping to her sides. “Do you want me to feel guilty?”
“No. But normal people would feel guilty. Can’t you see how messed up we are? I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to spend my life with a man who carves up his enemies.”
Aria stared but didn’t say anything. She looked so horribly sad and hurt that I wanted to kick myself hard for ever opening my stupid mouth.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you feel bad. I just…” I trailed off, not sure how to explain my conflicted emotions to Aria. “I know I have to risk it. I have to try to get away from all this and live a life without all the violence and messed-up morals. I’ll always regret it if I don’t.”
“You know you can’t ever come back. There’s no going back once you’ve run. Even if Matteo would forgive you for insulting him like that, the Outfit would be responsible for your punishment until your marriage. And running away from the mafia is betrayal.”