Unsatisfied, he studies my face for a moment longer before nodding. “Good then.”
He turns to leave once more but swings back again, frowning. “Sod it, listen, Emma, it’d be nice to catch up, you know, if you get any time. I know you’ll be busy but”—he points to the note I now realize I’m still gripping tightly in my hand—“you’ve got my number. Lots of nice pubs in Wells. So…”
Oh God. He’s asking me out for a drink.
“Right.” I stall, unsure what to say. But then I say what I want to say…because life is short. And I am so lonely. “That’d be lovely.”
* * *
—
After he leaves I study the creased note. The solid scrawl and curl of his hand. Then I crumple it up and throw it in the trash can beside the desk. After a few seconds I bend down to retrieve it, hastily smooth out its creases, and tuck it safely away in my bag.
Seeing him is fine, I tell myself. You’re not a bad person, Emma. Just one drink—as old friends. It can’t hurt, can it?
23
DR. EMMA LEWIS
DAY 8—FACEBOOK
Back at Cuckoo Lodge, I pour myself a deep glass of red wine and kick off my shoes. On the drive back from the hospital I called Peter Chorley on the car speakerphone, told him about Chris. How Officer Poole was aware of my history here, who I was, but that it shouldn’t be a problem in terms of the case.
“But will it be a problem for you, Emma?” I’d registered the sliver of concern in his voice and found myself pausing slightly longer than I would have liked before replying.
“No. It won’t be a problem, Peter.” Because Chris is the least of my problems right now. I thought it but I didn’t say it. I didn’t mention who else knew my name today either.
“And how did your initial assessment go?” Peter had asked. I told him we’d had to postpone due to the patient’s condition. A half-truth but not a lie. He’d seemed disappointed but circumspect, ending the call with a rallying “Ah, well, tomorrow is another day.”
I collapse into one of the deep-cushioned sofas and sip my wine, letting its heat warm me from inside. Alcohol-induced vasodilation. That’s its medical term. Sexy, like sinking into a hot bath. A lot has happened in a day, but aren’t first days always like that? Well, maybe not always like this.
Peter had promised me he’d be following up with the local police and ensuring they were all aware of the situation, of why my name was originally changed and the legal ramifications, and potential consequences, of disclosing that information.
It was bound to happen. I was bound to run into somebody. I grew up here. I went to school here. I knew I’d run into old faces. People I used to know, people from the past I’ve tried to forget, because it’s not healthy living in the past. It robs you of a future. But for the next few weeks I’m going to have to do just that—live in the past.
So, I guess I had better prepare myself.
I lean across the sofa and pull my laptop over, flipping its lid open. If I’m really going to do this, be here, for the next few weeks, then I had better arm myself for battle. Knowledge is power, after all.
I type the word “Facebook” into the empty search bar and it springs onto my screen. I don’t have a Facebook account, I never look at Facebook. Even at medical school when everyone was berating me for being either a Luddite or a hipster, I continued to abstain because, if I’m honest, it scares me. My face out there connected and connected and connected until it all leads back to that one night. The night when my whole world was shattered and it was easier to just throw the whole thing in the trash than try to fix it.
But now I need to know what I’m up against. Who there is here that I might run into, what might await me tomorrow. It can’t be a surprise if I see it coming. The screen in front of me asks if I would like to join Facebook. I would not like to join Facebook; but needs must, so I take a gulp of wine, set down my glass, and start to type in my personal information. “Emma Lewis.”
It’s funny how people can become living ghosts. A few years ago, I saw one of my old teachers on the underground. She didn’t recognize me, of course; she hadn’t seen me for over a decade. I wouldn’t have looked like the messy freckled girl she remembered. But the instant I saw her I was back there, I could feel her firm hand on my shoulder as she led me silently down the empty school corridors toward the headmistress’s office. She’d pulled me out of class; everyone else was still in theirs, and the usually noisy hallways were eerily hushed. That hand on my shoulder. That was the last time I saw her. The last time I would see any of them.
It’s hard when other people know all about the worst moments of your life. The headlines made sure of that.
I stare at my empty Facebook page and I think of the gold band on Chris’s finger today, of how I could have just asked about it but I hadn’t. I type “Chris Poole” into the search box and hit return.
His page fills the screen, his handsome, grown-up face; he’s looking at someone slightly off-camera mid-laugh, and he looks so happy I feel a stab of loneliness.
He’s thirty, same as me—well, three months older to be exact. He’s married. He’s been in the police force since he graduated from East Anglia Uni with a 2:1 in geography nine years ago. There’s something about the course of Chris’s life that I find so reassuring in its clarity. If I was to make a real page of my own, it would not be quite so straightforward as his.
Impulsively, I open a tab and google his station. There are two other men and one woman listed on the local police website. The men are both sergeants and the woman a PC—police constable—just like Chris. She has a warm, kind face, shiny brown hair pulled back securely in a low ponytail; she looks nice. I bet she and Chris like each other. I don’t recognize her from school at all. I type her name into Facebook—Beth Graceford. Divorced, born in Falmouth, studied English at Falmouth University and worked for a publishing company in Falmouth. Interesting. I guess she needed a change. A big one. Good for her; I know from experience how hard that can be, upending your whole life and starting again somewhere new. And it explains why I don’t recognize her, she only transferred to Norfolk last year. I type in the two sergeants’ names: likewise both are not originally from the area. So far, so good.
I take another sip of my wine and think.
There’s something I’ve wanted to check, very badly, since I first logged on, but I’ve been trying with every ounce of my willpower to ignore the impulse.
I type in Chris’s name again. His page springs up again and this time I click on photos. I know she’ll be there.
I find her instantly, tall and pale and feline, her long red hair loose over one shoulder, striking against the white of her wedding gown, her green eyes ablaze with happiness, and next to her, so close, his arm entwined with hers, stands Chris. He doesn’t look at the camera; his eyes are on her. I realize I’ve been holding my breath for a while. I let it out and tap on her photo tag. Zara Poole, Chris’s wife. I click on the link.