I don’t stop to think, I stand and leave the room. It’s only as I start to run, shoes squeaking down the empty hospital corridor, body shaking, that the vomit comes.
27
DR. EMMA LEWIS
DAY 9—FMRI
It starts to snow on my morning run. Great soft clumps drifting down through the gaps in the forest canopy as I follow the track that leads away from the lodge.
I only got back from the hospital at around 4 A.M. this morning so I decided to give myself at least five hours’ sleep. I’ll go in later. Matthew needs time to rest before we do his fMRI scan anyway. I’ll head in after my run but right now I need time to process exactly what happened earlier.
After bolting from his room, I managed to pull myself together in the staff locker room, thankfully before anyone saw me. Back in my office I shot off an email to Nick Dunning, asking him to move around some appointments and fit us into radiology for an fMRI today. When I woke, Nick had replied, telling me he’d booked the fMRI in for this afternoon, which is ideal. It gives me enough time to source some prompt images and questions for the test.
I let ideas flash through my brain as I run, my sneakers crunching over frozen leaves and hardened mud while the snow floats sleepily down around me and settles. Today I need to distance myself from the patient, I need to put my messy life to one side to diagnose him. While he may remind me of someone long gone, I do not know this man. And I must remember that no matter what he says, he does not know me. I need to keep that foremost in my mind, whatever happens today. God knows how he knows the things he’s been saying, but there will be a logical explanation, and I need to stay far enough away from the subject matter to find that reason.
Back at the lodge, I knock the snow off my shoes and plonk them down by the still-glowing fire. I slept on the living room sofa when I got back this morning, rumpled blankets and pillows evidence of my stay. Order slowly breaking down.
When I get to the hospital I tell the nursing team to prep Matthew and have him sent up to Radiology. I head to my office and email the questions and photos I’ll need for the test over to the Radiology Department as well. Only then do I pick up the phone and call Peter.
“He’s talking, Peter.”
“Emma.” There’s a pause on his end before he speaks again. “Well, that’s fantastic. And what’s he saying exactly? Anything helpful?”
I think carefully before I speak; how much should I tell Peter? “He doesn’t know his name or who he is. At least that seems to be the impression. You were right, the symptoms seem real. I’ve ordered an fMRI scan to verify the amnesia and the extent if there is any.”
“Good. And he consented to that?”
“Yes, instantly. It was…unusual.”
“Humph, interesting.” He hesitates. “Look, Emma, I think in this particular case it might be worth conducting the scan on your own. Just in case anything sensitive should come up…that we aren’t expecting. Perhaps once you’re set up, best to have anyone else leave the room.” He lets the idea hang there for a moment.
My stomach tightens. Is he worried Matthew might reveal who I am?
“Sorry, in case what comes up, Peter?”
He chooses his words carefully. “I know you’ve signed an NDA, but, of course, we can’t have everyone at Princess Margaret’s signing one. I mentioned before, there are…concerns relating to the patient’s identity.”
His evasiveness annoys me. “Tell me what the concerns are, Peter. If I’m going to lock myself in a room with him, I think I deserve to know.”
“Uh, well…yes, I suppose if you put it like that. There is a concern from the Ministry of Defense that the patient may be military, a missing person. Obviously, it’s not ideal that this is only coming to light now—but there we go. There are some conversations going on re jurisdiction—nothing to be concerned about just yet.”
What the hell does the Ministry of Defense know about Matthew? “Peter, what makes them think he’s military? What’s informed that conclusion?” I hear the sharpness of my tone.
“I’m afraid I’m not privy to that just yet, Emma. If it becomes…relevant then I’m sure we’ll be informed.”
“Peter, come on, am I at any risk here? From my patient? I need to know. Do the MOD think he’s dangerous?”
There’s a silence on the line. Which isn’t comforting at all. I suddenly feel so far outside my comfort zone that I almost consider hanging up. But Peter’s voice cuts in just in time. “No. No, I don’t think it’s that sort of situation, Emma. I certainly don’t believe so, that hasn’t been mentioned by anyone at this stage. I’m confident we would have been forewarned if it was anything like that. But of course, I would say use your own best judgment on this, Dr. Lewis.”
Wow. Thanks, Peter.
* * *
—
When I reach radiology, Matthew is already safely in position on the MRI tray bed, his head strapped inside the plastic head frame, his face hidden from sight. Rhoda is leaning over him explaining the procedure. She looks up when I enter and rests Matthew’s hand back down onto the bed.
“Rhoda, I’m going to need the room to myself once we get started. No other staff members present. Are you okay with that?”
She looks surprised but eager to assist. “If that’s what you need, then I can definitely do that, yes, doctor.”
“Great. I’ve already spoken with the radiologist so it will just be Matthew and me. I think the more straightforward we keep this for him, the better.”
“Of course.” She nods and turns back toward the man on the bed. “I’ll get him in and ready and then just let me know and I’ll slip out.”
* * *
—
Once Matthew is safely inside the machine Rhoda makes her way out of the room with a smile. I seal the ward doors behind her and slip into the control room, engaging the magnetic shield door behind me, sealing Matthew in the MRI room. I find my seat at the control-room console and, through the thick glass that separates me from Matthew, I watch the MRI bed’s smooth motion into the machine. I lean forward and turn on the mic in front of me.
“Matthew, it’s Dr. Lewis. Can you hear me?”
I watch his face spring to life on the video screen next to me as my voice comes through his headphones. He opens his mouth to answer.
“I won’t be able to hear you, Matthew, so try not to speak, just use the keyboard Rhoda gave you to answer. Press either yes or no. You’ll see the questions on the screen above you and you just need to answer yes or no. Rhoda should have given you an emergency squeeze ball as well. I want you to squeeze that as hard as you can if you start to feel concerned in any way or if you need us to stop, okay?”