I hadn’t asked him to be there. But he was there.
And it was there that I lost it. The moment we entered the vestibule, I grabbed hold of my mother, and I sobbed into her shoulder. She wrapped me into her arms, stroking my back with her palm, her voice a soothing whisper.
“Let it out, mija. Let it out.”
I hated myself for being affected by his presence. But I was. I wanted his support, even when I was angry with him. Even when I wasn’t sure we had any chance of a future at all; he was that important to me. And the fact that he showed up meant something to me. In fact, it meant everything. But that didn’t mean I was ready to deal with it.
After the service, friends, family, and church parishioners paid their respects to my parents and to me. I noticed Dev standing with Maren and Peter beneath a palm tree. His expression was solemn and every so often he’d look over to where I stood before returning his attention to Peter and Maren.
I knew I had to talk to him eventually.
May as well rip off the damn band-aid.
“Excuse me, Mama,” I said, rubbing her back gently as I walked toward Dev and our friends.
“Hey,” Maren said, greeting me with a warm hug, pulling me in tight. “How you holding up?”
I shrugged. “I’m okay. Worried about my mom, but she’s holding it together. For now, anyway.”
“Great turnout. It’s obvious your abuela was a very loved woman.”
“Thanks, Peter. She was.”
Dev leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and I froze in place. “I’m so sorry. Can, uh…can we talk?”
I hesitated for a moment, worried that I’d bitten off more than I could chew by being near him. I wasn’t ready to get into it with Dev. I wasn’t ready to face everything I was feeling. “I should really get back to my parents.”
“It’ll just take a second, I promise.”
“We’ll give you guys a minute,” Peter said, taking Maren’s hand and leading her away.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Dev beat me to the punch.
“Look, before you say anything, I’m not here to talk about us, okay? This isn’t the time or the place.”
“Oh.” I was surprised, but touched. And a little relieved.
“I’m here to tell you how sorry I am about your abuela. I know she meant the world to you. I know you spent hours cooking in the kitchen with her. I know she’s the reason you can make the most amazing pancakes I’ve ever tasted.”
A small laugh escaped my lips and tears formed in my eyes. I hadn’t laughed in days. Even when I felt swallowed by grief, even when our future was completely uncertain, and even when I was insanely mad at him, somehow Dev always managed to make me laugh. He was living, breathing levity.
“Thanks.”
“I’m here because no matter what happens with us, no matter what you decide, I always want you in my life. I’m not going anywhere, Lyra. You’re important to me and always will be, even if I’m not lucky enough to be with you. I’ll still be there for you.”
I was overcome, speechless, but still not ready to be vulnerable with him. So I nodded and simply said, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Of course. I’m staying at the Hilton, just like Pete and Maren. I have to head back tomorrow, but if you need me, I’m here.”
“Okay.”
“And I really hope that when you get back to the city, we can talk. About whatever you want.”
“I’ll probably only want to talk about Abuela,” I said with an honest shrug. At that moment I couldn’t imagine talking about anything else. My brain was flooded with memories of my childhood. Small moments, big moments, and everything in between.
“Then that’s what we’ll talk about. It’d be an honor, actually.”
Part of me wanted to sink into his arms and cry, to pull him close and ask him to take my pain away. But I knew he couldn’t, and I knew that despite his presence, we weren’t okay. I didn’t know if we’d ever be good enough to get past what happened at the bar. I wanted to, but in my haze of grief, it felt impossible to feel optimistic about anything in my life, let alone my shaky relationship.
“I need to get back to my family,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. He passed me a handkerchief embroidered with his initials. I wiped my eyes and tried to hand it back to him.
“Keep it,” he said, reaching for my hand. I hesitated but finally allowed him to take it in his. He simply squeezed it and said goodbye.
When he walked away, I felt empty. Completely empty.
Slowly, and in a daze, I returned to my family.
“He’s awfully handsome,” my mom said. “Who is he?”
“Long story,” I said, watching him rejoin Peter and Maren under another tree.
“Mija,” she said with a sigh as she wiped her eyes with a tissue, “I’ve got nothing but time.”
“Yeah, I guess we both do, huh?”
I wrapped my arm around my mother’s waist, pulling her close. My dad encircled us with his strong arms, and for the first time that day, I felt whole again.
My focus was my family. The rest of my life would just have to wait until I returned to Seattle. And I wasn’t exactly sure when the would be.
Chapter 25
DEV
When Trupti broke up with me two years ago, I thought my world was ending. Turned out, I didn’t know true pain until I had tasted life with Lyra and then lost her. I hadn’t seen her since her abuela’s funeral three weeks ago, and every single day had been more painful than the one before it. If I hadn’t been an idiot and screwed everything up, I would have been in Los Angeles, supporting her and meeting her family.
But I wasn’t.
Instead, my stupid ass was back on a plane to Seattle the day after the services and I hadn’t heard from her since. I’d sent some texts but was feeling antsy.
“Why did you call me down here?” Pete asked. He was standing in front of me with a puzzled but amused expression as I sat at a large wooden table at the local library. “What’s with all the books?”
Sitting at the table, I was surrounded by every book Jane Austen ever wrote. They sat in front of me in an arch pattern as I stared at their worn old-fashioned covers, not sure which one to start first. “I’m trying to feel closer to her.”
“By staring at old books?”
“Jane Austen’s her favorite.”
“And you’re going to read these?”
“Every last one.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head.
“And why did you blow me off this morning?”
I had told Peter I wasn’t able to go on our weekly Saturday morning run. What I hadn’t told him was where I went instead. But with him standing right in front of me, demanding an answer, I had to cave.
“I took a yoga class.”
“No shit, really?”
“Yep.”
“Lyra’s class?”
“No, I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I went to a different one uptown.”
“Wow. I took a yoga class for Maren once. It was an experience. But she was there with me. Going by yourself is a whole different thing.”