I hear Mom asking what’s going on, but I leave it to Rafe to answer.
“I’m sorry,” Nicky apologizes when I walk in. “I was too late.”
“Hush.” I quickly take up position on the other side of her bed, and without wasting any more words, we quickly deal with her wet bedding and nightie.
“It’s up to you,” Chantal suggests when Nicky is cleaned up, “but I brought a catheter. It would take me two minutes to place and you wouldn’t have to worry about any accidents. Or,” she adds, “as an alternative, we can get you some adult diapers.”
Exhausted, Nicky waves her hand. “Catheter.”
Regardless of the fact my sister was naked as a jaybird a minute ago, I step away from the bed to leave Nicky with some dignity while I let Chantal take care of the catheter. By the time she pulls the covers over my sister, Nicky looks asleep.
“I’ll keep everyone out of here for a bit so she can sleep,” I whisper to the nurse.
“Don’t.” The voice coming from the hospital bed is firm. My sister’s eyes are open. “I like the sounds. It makes me feel part of life.”
I make my way over to the bed and lean down, touching my forehead to hers. “You’ll always be part of our life.”
“I love you, Natasha,” she mumbles her eyes fluttering shut again.
“I love you too, Veronica.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and press a kiss on her cheek.
“Bonus kiss,” I tell her, but she’s already drifted off.
Rafe
Time becomes tangible when every second carries more weight than the one before.
That’s what it feels like.
Over the course of yesterday, Nicky drifted further and further away. Her moments of wakefulness becoming more infrequent and less lucid. Taz explained that was, in part, due to the morphine, but also the ever-waning energy as her body struggles to keep blood flowing.
Her extremities are so cold and the tips of her fingers and toes are turning blue with the lack of oxygen.
I helped Taz change the sheets in the master bedroom for Sarah and Ed. It was Taz who suggested they stay. I don’t think they missed the implication. We can all see Nicky’s close to the end.
Even Spencer, a normally energetic kid, is sensing it, and both he and his sister have taken turns quietly snuggling up to their mom in her bed.
We even watched a movie last night, trying hard to maintain some normalcy. I ended up carrying the kids to bed while Sarah and Taz helped Ed up the stairs.
For the past couple of hours, I’ve been listening to my wife’s labored breathing, while Taz is dozing on the couch.
“Please…” The rasp of Nicky’s voice holds an urgency that has Taz and me both rush to the side of the bed.
Taz takes one look at her sister and turns to me. “Get Chantal.”
I don’t argue, and rush upstairs to knock on her door. I don’t wait around and hurry back downstairs to find Taz sitting on the edge of the bed. She has Nicky’s hand clasped against her chest and her lips pressed to her sister’s forehead.
“Nicky,” Chantal’s voice sounds behind me and I step out of her line of sight. “Do you want me to sedate you?”
“Yes.” Her voice is surprisingly strong, even as her panicked eyes find mine. “I’m sorry,” she mouths, reaching out her free hand and I grab on.
“No more apologies.” My voice sounds raw, which is pretty much how I feel.
Nicky looks from me to her sister and back again. “The kids…”
“I promise they will always carry you with them.”
She briefly closes her eyes when Chantal administers the medication, only to open them wide searching for ours.
“Don’t leave me alone.”
“We’ll be right by your side,” Taz says firmly when I lose the ability to speak.
Holding each of our hands in hers, Nicky’s eyes drift shut as the midazolam takes effect. I glance at the display on the TV receiver and note the time: three forty-seven.
Chantal disappears into the kitchen and within minutes I detect the smell of fresh coffee. Then I hear her footsteps going upstairs, a soft knock on the bedroom door, and the sound of muted voices as she wakes Nicky’s parents.
Taz and I hold quiet vigil, feeling her hands go slack in ours.
At seven twenty-five, with her kids still asleep in their bedrooms upstairs, Nicky releases her last breath.
We never let go.
Chapter Seven
Rafe
“She wouldn’t want that.”
My head snaps up when I hear Taz voice what I am thinking.
The past twenty-four hours or so, things have been surprisingly calm. No conflicts at all, only a sad and subdued atmosphere while we all seemed focused on supporting the kids.
Sofie and Spencer are with Kathleen, who offered to look after them while the rest of us are at the funeral home to make arrangements.
I look at the ostentatious, heavy oak casket lined in pink satin Sarah wants for her daughter.
“How could you possibly know what your sister would want?” she snaps. “You’ve hardly been around enough. Suddenly you’re an expert?”
I can almost visualize the punches landing by the way Taz flinches at her mother’s words. Still, she seems to steel herself and responds calmly.
“Not an expert, but Nicky brought up the subject of her funeral last week. She was clear about what was important to her. No visitation or viewing, and a biodegradable casket. She wanted us to remember her spirit instead of cry over the body she left behind. Her words, not mine,” Taz quickly adds.
“I was part of that conversation,” I interject, before Sarah has a chance to throw another barb. “She said since a funeral is for loved ones, we could make that into whatever we wanted, but that she should be able to decide what happened to her body.”
“But it’s pretty. My daughter deserves something pretty.”
I lower my eyes at Sarah’s plea and the depth of pain on her face.
“Sarah…” Ed, who’s been very quiet, lays a shaking hand on his wife’s arm. “Veronica deserves to have her wishes honored. She deserves us remembering her beautiful spirit, so let’s focus on that.”
The rest of the meeting, I’m happy to let Sarah take the lead. I lean against the doorjamb as the funeral director goes over the rest of the details with her.
I’m not religious, but on the rare occasion my wife wanted to take the kids to church, I went with them. I understand having a service for Nicky is important to her parents, and maybe to the kids as well, so I don’t voice any objections.
“Are you okay with all this?” Taz whispers behind me. She’d opted to stay outside in the hallway, probably not wanting to risk another possible scene.
I turn my head to the side and whisper back, “Yeah. They need this.”
“I guess. Okay, well, unless you need me to jump in the fray for you, I’ll be outside. I can’t breathe in here.”
I immediately feel the loss of her heat behind me, but resist turning around to watch her disappear down the hallway.
“Ready to go?”