I’m lost the moment I walk into the cavernous store, but Taz seems to know exactly where she’s going, pushing that cart with purpose as the kids and I follow a little slower behind.
Halfway through what is turning out to be more of a sprint than a marathon, Spencer announces he’s tired and I lift him on my shoulders. Luckily, Sofie’s no longer complaining, in fact, she seems to enjoy picking clothes for her and her brother a little too much. I shoot off a silent thanks we don’t have Walmart in Eminence, because I can see this becoming her new hobby.
“Good thing you seem to know what you’re doing,” I mention, as Taz tosses sunscreen and toothpaste on top of the pile of clothes in the cart. The kids now down the aisle picking out new toothbrushes. “I would’ve been lost. I take it you like shopping?”
She looks over her shoulder to make sure the kids are out of earshot before leaning close and hissing. “I fucking hate it—a colonoscopy is more appealing to me—but if it has to get done, might as well get it done quickly and efficiently.”
“So noted.”
I grin as she swings the cart around and goes to collect the kids, who seem to have made their selections, before aiming for the cash register. Yes.
“I forgot something,” Taz announces when the cashier is scanning the last few items. “Why don’t you go ahead and load up the car, I’ll be right behind you.”
“I’ll come with you,” Sofie offers, but Taz shakes her head, bending close to my daughter.
“Honey, I’m afraid your dad will get lost. One of us has to be in charge here.”
Sofie snickers and I wonder when I became the butt of jokes.
Taz
“You looked like twins.”
Sofie drags her finger over the picture.
She’s snuggled up beside me on the couch, where we’ve been flipping through some of the old albums Mom dropped off earlier in the week. Spencer lost interest after about five minutes and is currently running off the pizza dinner with the dogs and Rafe outside.
It’s been a hectic day, with the shopping trip to Mountain View, a week’s worth of laundry, and getting the kids packed for their trip. Pizza had been Rafe’s idea and was loudly approved of. It was my niece who noticed the stack of albums still sitting untouched in the living room.
“We did look alike, although, I was always a bit shorter than your mom.”
She flips another page and I smile at the next picture. Nicky and I were in our Sunday best—I can’t have been much older than Sofie is now—and already our personalities were shining through. Nicky looked impeccable, her hair still in the pretty bow Mom had fastened that morning before church, and her dress crisp and clean. I—on the other hand—am grinning widely at the camera, my own bow drooping somewhere around my ear, my face grimy, and mud dripping from the bottom of my dress. I remember Dad laughing and grabbing for the camera even as Mom was having a conniption fit when she saw me.
“What happened to you?” Sofie asks.
“I remember we were going to church. Grandma had asked us to wait outside by the car. I think it was a bunny or something that darted under the fence. I tried to go after it, but I got stuck, so Grandpa had to pull me out. I was a mess, as you can see.”
I can feel her eyes studying me as I let the bittersweet memories play out in my mind. “Did you always want to be different?” she suddenly asks, and I turn to look at her, a little taken aback by the question. I take a moment to think before I answer.
“No, I don’t think I did. Not back then. I just…was. Growing up, I remember I wanted nothing more than to be like your mom. I looked up to her. It took me a very long time to figure out I had to be my own person.”
“Is that why you left?”
“How did you get so smart?” I tug her against me and rest my chin on her head. “It’s probably part of the reason.”
“Didn’t you miss Mom?”
I squeeze my eyes shut and inhale the scent of Sofie’s clean hair. She smells like Nicky and suddenly tears burn behind my eyelids. “Very much,” I confess. “But she was starting a whole new life with your dad, and you on the way. I had to make a life of my own.”
Sofie is quiet for a moment before she asks softly, “Are you going back? To your life in Africa?”
I twist in my seat, lift her chin with a finger, and touch her nose with mine. “No, honey. I’m staying,” I tell her firmly. “I’m not sure what the future looks like, but I know I want you and your brother in my life. I want to see you grow up, knowing your mom would be so proud of you every step of the way.”
I slip my arm back around her, resting my cheek against her head. With my other hand, I flip another page in the album.
A picture of Nicky and me in front of a few grazing horses, a large red barn in the background, with our arms wrapped tightly around each other.
“That’s the farm, behind us.”
“I miss her,” Sofie says with a sniffle.
I press a kiss to her hair before echoing, “I miss her too.”
I hadn’t noticed anyone coming in, but apparently they did. Rafe is suddenly crouching down in front of his daughter, while Spencer leans against his father’s back. Rafe’s face is soft as he brushes the pad of his thumb over her cheek.
“Oh, Pipsqueak, all you have to do is look in the mirror to see she’s always right there with you.”
As Sofie flings herself in her father’s arms, I get up, leaving room for him to sit and tuck his children close. I disappear into the kitchen, distractedly cleaning up the remnants of dinner while trying to get my own tears under control.
The kids’ excitement about their upcoming trip is notably subdued when we get them ready for bed twenty minutes later.
“I have something for you,” I tell Sofie, as I take my turn tucking her in.
“What?”
I hand her one of the packages I quickly wrapped in the laundry room this afternoon. I already gave Spencer his, which held an exploration kit with binoculars, a flashlight, and a magnifying glass.
It takes Sofie two seconds to rip the paper off her point-and-click digital camera.
“I thought you might like to take pictures of your trip, so when you come home you can show your dad and me all the fun stuff you guys have done.”
The wobbly smile on her face is thank you enough, but she still throws her arms around my neck. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, honey. Now get some sleep, tomorrow’s an exciting day.”
I kiss her cheek and move toward the door.
“Auntie Taz?” she calls out, as I’m about to duck into the hallway.
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
I drop my forehead against the doorpost and take a deep breath in through my nose.
“Love you too, sweetheart.”
With a soft click I pull her door shut.
“Do we have everything?”
Dad’s leaning against the side of the RV, using only his cane today. Mom is rummaging around inside, tucking away the kids’ stuff.
“I think so, Grandpa,” Spencer is quick to answer.
“Then let’s start saying goodbye, my boy. We’ll be leaving soon.”