I didn’t need to turn around to know by now his arm was probably back in its place at his side. A few minutes later, I punched at the keypad on the door with a sigh and relished in the cool tranquility of my office. It was smaller than Rebecca and Marco’s, but I had a large picture window. Although watching the sun setting in deep-turquoise waters normally made it hard to concentrate, I considered it the only downside of my career.
Being part owner of RMR made it easy to get lost in some mundane task or another, and I used that excuse now to escape the Stanton clan. After my chat with Rebecca, hearing he planned to fly back to Jersey when we got back to Fort Lauderdale made me angrier than I had any right to be.
“I’m not his keeper,” I grumbled. “Whatever he decides to do with his life is his business.”
“This is true.” My head snapped toward where Cooper stood in the doorway. “Sorry, I was about to knock before you started talking to yourself.” I couldn’t stop my face reddening from embarrassment any more than I could stop my heart from pounding. “I assume the he you referred to was me?” And now it was his turn to chuckle at my unease. “Can I come in?”
Waving a hand toward him, I dug out my cockiness and shrugged. “Your call.”
He took a few tentative steps, paused, and decided to sit in the leather armchair across from my desk while taking in my office and the spectacular view. “Nice. This beats a stuffy classroom.” His eyes looked everywhere but at me.
Not in the mood for small talk, I waited for him to finally look my way before cutting to the chase. “What’s up, Cooper?”
I watched his Adam’s apple bob on a swallow. “I wanted to thank you.”
“For?”
“Helping me last night.” Well, that wasn’t what I’d expected him to say. “Getting that drunk was stupid and careless. I appreciate you making sure I was up on time today. It could’ve been a disaster.”
“Sure, no problem.” I offered a slow nod before asking, “That’s it?”
Instantly, my words caused his defenses to rise as he abruptly stood. “Yeah, that’s it. I’ll let you get back to work.”
Ignoring him, as well as the little voice in my head that screamed to let it go, I went on to ask, “No mention of you kissing me? Of the hard-on you sported after you did?”
When he stormed to the door, I assumed he was running once again, but instead he slammed it shut. Keeping the distance between us, he gripped his hips and barked, “What is it you want from me?”
“You’re not ready for that,” I easily replied.
“And what exactly is that? A relationship?”
“Definitely not… I’m just trying to help you be honest with yourself.”
“Why do you care so much? It’s none of your business!”
“You’re right,” I conceded, and he recoiled. Admitting why I did care so much would raise questions even I wasn’t prepared to answer.
I truly had no idea why I’d fixated on him the way I had. Maybe the lack of a relationship in my own life created some sick need to fix his. That seemed like me. And I could play that angle day and night, but that still didn’t explain why with each encounter I wished for a breakthrough… a miracle of sorts.
“I guess your confusion rekindled frustrations I had buried a long time ago,” I finally said. “I guess your insecurities hit home a bit.”
“They’re my insecurities,” he argued, and for the first time indirectly admitted what I’d been claiming. He realized the same, plopping back into the chair with a resigned sigh. “They’re my issues… all of them.”
“I can help you with them.”
“I don’t want you to help me. Forty-eight hours ago, my biggest issue was another breakup. And now…” Pushing back out of the chair for the second time, he began to pace like a caged animal.
“And now?”
He dragged in a huge breath and released it. “Now I’m attracted to a man for the first time in my life, and I don’t know how to fucking deal with that.” Tortured hazel eyes drilled into mine. “I don’t know how to process this.” With his admission came a jolt of compassion that I wasn’t prepared for. It was more than that, though. Something else, something deeper. Something that quickened my pulse and ignited my desire. Something that made me just as insecure as he was, even if in an entirely different way.
But when Cooper focused on my lips before adding, “I don’t know what to do, Ricky.” I knew exactly what I had to do. I couldn’t be a victim to his confusion, because when all was said and done, I simply couldn’t become involved with another man who wasn’t ready to reveal his true self.
As I slowly stood, he stopped in wait. “What you’re going to do is try to enjoy the rest of this trip, then go back to Jersey and take time to figure out what you want. No one can do that for you, Cooper. But if you don’t address it, can you ever truly be happy? In my opinion, you can’t.” I watched as he processed my words, adding, “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
I had no idea what ran through his mind—if he resented me for being so blunt or appreciated what I hoped to accomplish.
After a slow series of nods, he gave me a half smile. “Thanks,” he said quietly, walking out without another word. And once I was alone again, I wondered whether it would be his heart or his head that dictated the path he eventually took.
Chapter Eight
Cooper
The last few days of our trip may have gone by without incident, but they also dragged along at a snail’s pace. As my family enjoyed the tropical pleasantries the Bahamas had to offer while celebrating Sam and Lydia, I was somewhat able to relax a bit in their company. And if I had to be honest, it was because Ricky opted out of joining the festivities.
I overheard Rebecca telling Marco that Ricky didn’t want to impose on our family time. Without him around, I acted more like myself… acted being the key word.
No one in my family knew that since the rehearsal dinner my thoughts had mimicked a frozen margarita in a blender—a splash of recklessness from kissing him, a shot of self-loathing for kissing him, and a good dose of confusion as to why I’d kissed him… all destructively churning in my mind. I could easily blame the alcohol I’d consumed that night, but that would be another way of kidding myself.
It was him. He’d managed to get under my skin… and I hated that he had.
Yes, the constant state of uncertainty I’d been trapped in was all on me. I was a twenty-eight-year-old man who no longer had a clue of who he truly was, and it fucking scared me to death. How did that happen? How did someone comfortable in his own skin, confident and self-assured in his life, suddenly question his sexuality?
I couldn’t blame Ricky for any of that, but I could blame him for the way he unapologetically assumed he knew me better than I knew myself. And… his damn insinuations that had thrown my world off its axis. And… his arrogant presence, searing blue eyes, cocky smirk… all of it fucked with my head.
It may have been cowardly of me to make up an excuse and fly to Jersey as soon as we docked, but I needed to get back to my world. One where I knew who I was, one where I felt safe.