That night, I sat her down and told her that my nightmares were a mix of different things about my time in the army: memories about all the evil I did over there; how I was being haunted by the men I killed and that their eyes still tormented me at night; or, it was remembering when we were out in the field and the sounds of the bombs going off around us, was the reason I woke up in the night. I didn’t tell her about the times they tortured me, but a lot of nights I needed to awake from reliving the hell I went through.
Lucy would hold me while I spoke about the past; as I spoke, I would feel Lucy graze her finger softly over my face. Every word that I spoke, came out real shaky; Lucy could tell that talking about it was killing me, it felt like I was living the war all over again. She knew I hated to talk about it. I would always tell her that it was nothing to worry about, all I needed was her close to me. I felt safe; the steady sound of her heart beating was all I needed to mute the sounds of war.
No matter how often I would tell her that I was fine, she wanted to stay close to me; she wanted to be there for me when I needed her. She wanted to be the one to help me through it all.
After talking to Lucy, we would get back into bed, she would pull me close to her, and I would rest my head on her chest, and the sound of her heart beating was all I needed to soothe me, to keep my nightmares at bay. She would talk to me about things that she did as a little girl, and how her mother would bake her cakes or biscuits after school. She talked about anything, hoping that it would pull me away from my dark thoughts; sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t. I was just grateful that she was there with me, to help fight my demons, that she wasn’t going to leave me because my nights were taking over hers. She knew it was going to be a long time before I could put the army behind me and finally live a life without the demons haunting me.
There were nights that I would stare into the darkness, begging the devil to let my demons rest for just a night so that I could sleep, but that never happened. Maybe that was because he thought that I’d killed too many men during my time in the army, that I must be punished for all the sinning I did there. I had lost faith in God a long time ago, way before the army. I suppose that all started when I was beaten by my father; if God wasn’t going to help me as a child, he wasn’t going to help me now. I believed the devil was there; he lived in my father, and now he was haunting me every night, since I got back from war.
Lucy never left my side, and that was all I needed: her to be next to me, to help me through the nightmare, and for two years she was my angel helping me fight my demons. There were nights the demons were almost too strong to fight, but she was there to help me through it. She wasn’t enough all the time, though, and the torment got so out of control Aiden and Rhys had to help calm me down. Even after all that Lucy stuck by me, for two years she loved me, for me.
Now, I sit alone in my bedroom, with no one to calm me; there’s no one to tell me that the enemy can’t hurt me anymore.
I take my seat in the corner of the lounge and look through the paperwork: notes from the night, emails from guests, the normal boss work that needs to get done.
Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my legs, rubbing my eyes, then run my hands through my hair, as it falls in front of my face.
“Milo said you’ve been down here a while.” I look up at Rhys, sitting in front of me drinking his coffee, as he looks at me. “Army?”
I give him a nod, as I grab my coffee and lean back in the chair. They both know the nightmares keep me awake; they were there when I was finally found. They saw how fucked up I was, because of the shit the enemy did to me.
For a while, Rhys couldn't get the images out of his head, I can see that sometimes he thinks back to that day, but he's in a better place now. Me? I thought I was getting better when Lucy was with me, but now I'm lost; I'm back in the fucked-up place I was in before. Hell.
Rhys doesn't say anything, but the guys never do. If it was the other way around, I wouldn’t know what to say to them, either. I mean only I know everything that happened, now; they just saw the aftermath of it. So, what are they meant to say? This is something only I can fix. I know that they’re both here for me, just as I’m here for them; but we understand each other and know each of us need to figure out our own demons in our own time. We just need our own time to work through it.
"Beth's found a girl, and two men to join the team; you want to take control of that?" I mutter. I'm too tired to talk, and they know they will be taking more control of the club, when I have days like this.
“Sure, I ‘ll tell Aiden.”
“Tell Aiden what?” I turn as I hear a chair being pulled out. I glance up at him, as he sits down, Aiden keeps his eyes locked with mine.
“Interviews for new team members,” Rhys tells him, but Aiden doesn’t look away from me.
"We’ve got it," he tells me. I look up at Milo as he brings breakfast over.
I don't say anything to either of them as I leave the table and head towards the house. I stopped myself walking into Brooklyn's room when I woke up in the night. She wouldn’t have let me in anyway. She wouldn’t have let me lie next to her; she wouldn’t have let me hold her close to me. So, going into her room would have been a stupid thing to do.
She isn't Lucy, I know that, but the thought of having a part of Lucy close to me was pulling me to the room. I had to remind myself that it's not Lucy in this room; it's Brooklyn, and that’s one of the other reasons I walked away.
I enter quietly and see Brooklyn sleeping on the floor. I don’t understand why she sleeps there. It’s been four days; it must be painful on her back. I kneel close to her, I move my arms under her, and gently lift her up to lay her on the bed.
I move her hair away from her face and watch her sleep. Looking behind me, I pull the chair closer to me, and sit and admire her beautiful, fair, skin; it looks perfect, as I admire her body, I ball up my hands in anger when I see the bruise on her arm from when Aiden grabbed her. I know he never meant to hurt her, he did what he thought was best. I don’t like seeing her perfect skin being bruised like that and I’m going to make sure that another bruise never appears on her skin.
Brooklyn shifts in bed, stretching her body out, I watch as she slowly begins to open her eyes, and I didn’t think I could be more spellbound by her beauty, but the thought of waking up next to her makes me smile. Having Brooklyn close to me in the morning, turning over in bed to see a pair of beautiful eyes, is something that I’ve wanted again since Lucy was taken from me. Someone to love.
She sits up in bed and looks around. I watch as she scans the bed, and parts her mouth a little as she turns to face me; There’s a burning look in her eyes, perhaps of desire, as she moves her hand up to her lips. I wonder what it is that just awoke her.
I break my eye contact with her, lowering my gaze to the scar which is peeking through the top of her silk nightgown. When I told Beth that Brooklyn needed new clothes, my only request was that her nightgowns were to be silk. Only the best for her. The V-neck gown Beth chose means a lot of the scar is visible, but I know it runs much lower.
“Why do you choose to go to sleep on the floor?” I ask, Brooklyn stares at me, with a look of confusion in her eyes.
Brooklyn gets off the bed and walks over to the table, and picks up her pad, closing it, she turns to face me. I've not once asked what's in there, but now I feel like I want to know.