I inhaled a deep breath. Diana was a thrower. I wouldn’t have minded if it was just pillows, but the last time we fought, she chucked a wine glass at me. I was lucky it missed and hit the wall instead. Then the time before that, she slapped me across the face. There were so many instances over the years I’d lost count.
I always tried to be the calm one and help her work through her anger issues. But it was hard when she wanted to fight all the time about small stuff, especially since I hated conflict. I just wanted to get along, but she had a knack for finding problems where there weren’t any. Or maybe I just didn’t see things the same way she did.
“Are you trying to make me choose between you and my friends?” I questioned.
“For once, I’d like to come first for you,” she sniffed.
“You always come first,” I said, distracted when I saw a message pop up on the screen of her phone. It was from her co-worker Cynthia, and I caught a quick glimpse of the preview.
I forwarded you my notes from the meeting since you weren’t at the office today…
I frowned at the phone, then brought my gaze back to Diana. “You weren’t at work today?”
Her face paled for a split second before she quickly composed herself. “I called in sick. I needed some self-care.”
I rubbed at the day-old stubble on my chin. “Um…that’s fine. Everyone needs a day off every once in a while, but why did you lie to me?”
“I didn’t.”
“You said you had a long day at work and that’s why you were too tired to go to Leanne’s party. But instead, you’ve been home all day relaxing.”
“Are you trying to shame me for taking a day off?” she demanded, her voice pitching higher as she stood up from the bed to face me.
“Not at all. I already told you taking a day off is fine, but I don’t appreciate being lied to.”
Her eyes grew watery, and I instantly felt like a piece of shit, especially when her lip trembled. “I just couldn’t face the office today, okay? Besides, once we’re married and I start having kids, I’ll probably have to quit my job anyway.”
“I’d never expect you to do that.”
“Well, who else is going to raise our kids? You?”
I shrugged. “Sure. We’ll make it work somehow.” It went without saying that I’d support Diana in keeping her career once we started having a family.
She laughed harshly. “You’re going to give up your TV show to become a stay-at-home dad? That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “Dumb?”
She gesticulated with her hands. “James, you make four times what I do. It’s obvious I should be the one to quit working. Besides, I’ve kind of been feeling like it’s time to move on. I’m considering handing in my resignation after the wedding.”
I scratched my head, dumbfounded. Diana hadn’t once mentioned that she was unhappy in her work and wanted to quit. We’d always agreed about having kids, but we’d never really discussed the mechanics of who would be their primary carer.
“I thought you loved your job,” I said, feeling completely blindsided.
“I used to, but I think I’m ready to move onto the next phase of my life.” She wrapped her arms around my neck, her voice softening. “It’s not like you can’t afford to support me, Jayjay.”
Her mouth was pressed against my ear, causing a trickle of pleasure to skitter down my spine. It was at odds with the confusion I felt over her job revelation and my annoyance over our argument about the party. It wasn’t that I had a problem with her resigning if she wasn’t happy. It was just that she hadn’t mentioned a single thing about it until now. I thought we told each other everything.
“Don’t you like the idea of me being home all day, waiting around for you when you get back?” she murmured huskily.
No, a jarring voice answered, echoing from deep down in my subconscious. No. The idea of Diana waiting for me each day felt stressful, like too much responsibility. I realised with a jolt that I didn’t want to be the only thing she lived for. When had that changed? Or had I always felt this way and just never had cause to confront the thought before? Either way, her not having a career to focus on made me feel strangely panicked.
I swallowed tightly, distracted when I caught sight of the time.
I’m going to be late.
I took hold of her wrists, kissing the inside of each one before lowering them from my neck. “We’ll talk about this later, okay?” I said, dipping down to meet her gaze.
“Okay,” she whispered back.
I turned to walk into the bathroom. “I’m going to shower.”
“Don’t forget to take your meds,” she called after me as I closed the door over.
I opened the cabinet above the sink and grabbed my anti-anxiety medication. I filled a glass with water then swallowed two pills. Diana was the only person in the world who knew I took medicine to manage my anxiety. I was pretty sure every single one of my friends would be shocked if they found out. They saw James Khan as this strong, reliable, stalwart person, and I worked hard to keep up that image.
I’d always felt a responsibility to be strong, to be a good role model for my siblings. I was the eldest of four, and my brother and two sisters looked up to me. I wanted to lead by example, but sometimes it was hard to be solid when the world moved so fast.
This was one of the reasons why I’d been on medication for the last few years. I started taking it just before we began filming Season One of Running on Air. The idea of being on TV, of possibly becoming famous, had freaked me out. I wasn’t like Callum and Trev. I loved parkour, but I didn’t crave attention and fame like they did. I’d almost pulled out of the show completely, but then Diana convinced me to get on medication. She thought the show was too great an opportunity to pass on. In fact, if it weren’t for her, I’m pretty sure I never would’ve gone ahead with it at all.
The pills the doctor had prescribed really helped. They took the edge off my panic and made me feel better able to handle everything that came with being on a reality TV show.
I was grateful to Diana for that. Now I had a career most people would envy.
When I came out of the shower, she was back in bed, completely absorbed in an episode of the Kardashians. She looked so angelic now, unaware of being observed, and I reminded myself of why I’d fallen for her. Diana was smart, ambitious and confident, charming too, when she wanted to be. I envied her ability to see a goal and just go for it. She had confidence in spades and never questioned her ability to achieve whatever she set her mind to. I’d looked up to her in this sense, since confidence was something I’d struggled with as a younger man. When we first met, Diana was the embodiment of fearlessness and the world felt like my oyster when I was with her. But now, well, my feelings had shifted and it concerned me.
Maybe I was just taken aback that she was considering leaving her job. It had taken so much work for her to get to where she was. I’d always thought that she loved her career, but obviously that wasn’t entirely true. It made me start to question if there were other things I was wrong about.
Out in the living area, I paused when I saw the dry-cleaning bags hanging by the door. They definitely hadn’t been there when I got home this evening, which meant one of my assistants, either Neil or Michaela, must’ve dropped them off sometime between then and now.