“He’s a nice guy, but that’s it. I had always told him I didn’t want a relationship, but he figured I would change my mind. I thought sex with no strings would be easy, but it isn’t. It’s just as complicated as a relationship—maybe more. The longer we continued, the worse I felt about myself. I started feeling shame because I was using him for sex. It’s not who I am.”
“At least you recognized it and know not to do that anymore.”
“I guess. How fucked up is it that I felt like I was betraying Massimo?” I drop my head back, letting out a long sigh.
“You need to get over him.”
“It was the biggest mistake of my life that I deeply regret, and I can’t fucking take it back.” Tears trickle from my burning eyes.
“I love you, Lena, but you made your bed. This is all your own doing. You chose to be selfish, so I don’t feel sorry for you. I’m sorry I don’t have kinder words, but you need to stop moping over it and move the fuck on.”
“I know I have to, but I feel like I’m stuck on a hamster wheel.” My heartbeat increases, and I exhale loudly to try to calm my nerves.
“Do something about it. In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never been one to sit and dwell. What are you gonna do to change your state of mind?”
“I’ve been thinking about finding a new job, but really don’t think that’ll do it. I mean, bartending is bartending. Even that reminds me of Massimo.”
“When we were growing up, you used to talk about being a lawyer, and you were gonna take the LSAT before you left. Have you given that any thought?”
“Honestly, I haven’t given anything a thought. My brain has been mush lately. I need to snap the fuck out of this funk I’m in.”
“Why don’t you look into it again? You graduated from UMass with a 4.0 GPA. You’re feisty, and you can argue anyone into the ground. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, you’re kinda stubborn. You’d make a great lawyer, and I’m sure you would get into law school! I’ve known you most of my life, and you’ve always accomplished everything you set your mind to. This is no different.”
“True. I know I’m in my head now. I need to get out of my own way. I need to figure out how to move forward despite this persistent throbbing in my chest. I also haven’t been doing any type of exercise. That’s definitely not helping either.”
“Look, I don’t know why you left, and maybe I won’t ever know, but it was obviously something you felt was important enough to walk away from the man you love.”
“It was.”
“Okay. There. That alone is enough. Remind yourself that all this headache you caused and put yourself through, that you put all of us through, was for a purpose and stop dwelling on would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.”
“Talking to you always makes me feel better, even when you lecture me.”
“I know, I’m awesome,” she asserts. I can practically see her beaming through the phone.
“You truly are. I don’t know what my life would be without you, Luce, really. I smooch you.”
“I smooch you more.”
“So, will you come out and visit me? I’m in Des Moines.”
“Iowa? I never would’ve guessed that’s where you ran off to.”
“Precisely why I picked it.”
“Smart. I can probably go out in a few weeks. Let me check my work schedule, and I’ll see if I can get a week off. I’ll let you know in a few days.”
“I’m wicked excited to see you. Seriously cannot wait to hug you. Let me know as soon as you find out so I can take the days off from work.”
“Same girl, and I will. Talk soon. Bye.”
“Bye.”
“Let’s have dinner at the new Mexican place that opened. I could use a few margaritas. Besides, I need details about why you broke it off with Nate,” says Stevie.
Stevie and I both have Monday nights off and have a standing dinner date every week. She insisted on it after she forced her way into my life. I’m glad she did, though. Stevie’s been a great friend. She reminds me of Luci in many ways. I know they’ll love each other when they meet in a few weeks when Luci visits.
Stevie has long, blonde hair, thick and straight. She uses a curling iron to curl the ends in big, loose curls. Her heart-shaped face is always made up with foundation and blush. Her almond-shaped eyes never go without eyeliner or mascara, and her sharp lips are slathered in lipstick. It’s the rare occasion I see her not wearing makeup.
I told Stevie about Massimo and most of my history of how I ended up in Des Moines, except she doesn’t know my secret. I’m not ready to share that with her or anyone.
We order our margaritas and dinner, and I tell Stevie the details about what happened with Nate the other night since we haven’t had much time to chat since then.
I sigh and take a sip of my margarita.
“You have been off lately. I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s going on.”
“I’ve been in a funk and feel stuck.”
“Well, if I’ve learned anything about you since you moved here last year, you’ll do something. You can’t just sit still.”
I drink some of my margarita, lick salt off the rim, and spread it around my mouth.
“Is that why you ended it with Nate?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug and play with the straw floating in my margarita. “I think I mostly ended it with him because he deserves someone who will reciprocate his feelings. That’ll never be me. Besides, I was starting to feel terrible about myself.”
“I thought you liked him?”
“He’s a nice guy, but I don’t want a relationship. Not right now, anyway.”
“I know you loved Massimo, but you need to move on.”
“That’s the same thing Luci said to me the other day. It’s way easier said than done.”
“Yeah, but you can’t keep on like this forever.”
“I know. I think I’m gonna take the LSAT and apply to law school.”
Stevie’s eyes widen. “Law school? Wow, that’s intense.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is. I was gonna take the LSAT before leaving Boston, but then my life fell apart, and I moved. But I can use the challenge right now and think I’m ready to do it.”
“That sounds awesome. You should do it. Where would you apply?”
“I want to stay local. While I may need a change in my life, I don’t feel like moving again. Drake University Law School is here in Des Moines, and they have a part-time program. I’m gonna drive down to the campus this week to pick up an admissions packet.”
“How long is the program?”
“Not sure, but I think four years.”
“That’s exciting.” Stevie extends her hand to squeeze mine.
“It is, and I feel really good about this. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually looking forward to something and getting excited.”
“Well, whatever you need, I’m here to support you.” We clink our margaritas and drink up.
CHAPTER 12