I realized he did feel guilty for taking something he thought he didn’t deserve. The more he said, the harder I fell. I should shut my mouth and let him force another orgasm from me, but I suddenly needed to give him something I’d never given anyone else: the truth.
“I always knew, you know . . .? I always knew the man my papa was.” My throat felt tight. “He killed someone—a woman—when I was little. I saw her lying in her own blood. And I forced myself to forget because I didn’t want to believe it. But I never really forgot; I just got good at lying to myself. I’m not the angel my papa calls me . . .” A tear ran down my cheek. “I’m not even a good person.”
“Kotyonok . . .” Ronan chuckled. “My dick’s inside you, and you’re crying about your papa.”
It sounded a little silly when he said it like that.
“I was just—”
“I know what you were trying to do. And it was sweet. But there’s still a big difference between you and me.” The nautical star tattoos on his shoulders glinted black in the sunlight. “You’ll never ask me for more than I can give.” Darkness clouded his eyes, and his hand collared my throat, a thumb running across a hickey he’d put there. “I’ve already taken everything you have to give.” I held his gaze, my heart a battering ram pounding against the wall of my chest. “And now, I’m going to take a little more.”
tacenda
(n.) things better left unsaid
My breath was still ragged, Ronan having just rolled off me. The simple action left me cold inside, and to distract myself from the heavy feeling, I needed to either leave or strike up conversation. I chose the latter.
“What did you tell me you did for work that night when I asked?”
“I went into detail about my chimney sweep business,” he answered lazily.
I blinked. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Nyet.” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “Never thought a woman would throw herself at me after I told her I made minimum wage.”
A blush rose to my already flushed cheeks—even now, while lying naked beside D’yavol. “I didn’t hear you.”
“I know that now. You were too busy working up the courage to maul me.”
“I did not maul you.” I frowned. “That’s such an aggressive word.”
He laughed. “You were beyond sweet all night. I didn’t expect at the end of it you’d practically beg me to fuck you in a public hallway.” Then he added thoughtfully, “I almost did.”
That was why he pushed me away so suddenly. I loved knowing I had such an effect on him even though he was supposed to despise me because of who my papa was.
I rolled to face him and braced myself on my elbow. “Did you really think I would have believed you were a chimney sweep?”
“I don’t know,” he drawled, dragging his amused gaze to mine. “You looked at me like I was a god. I think you would have believed anything I told you—being a chimney sweep included.”
There were a dozen reasons he would never pass as a manual laborer—his obvious wealth number one. Though how I decided to confirm I wouldn’t have believed his lie was to roll my eyes and say, “There’s no chance you’d fit in a chimney.”
He laughed deeply. “My apologies for underestimating your deductive reasoning skills.”
I fought a smile. “Apology accepted.”
As I held his dark gaze, the amusement faded, and a tense silence worked its way into the room. It sat so heavily on naked skin and my heart, I suddenly felt the need for space. But again, Ronan grabbed my wrist.
“Where are you going?”
“To my room.” It came out a little breathless.
“Why?”
“To take a shower. And then to scrounge around for a snack since you ruined my breakfast.”
“Nyet,” was all he said before releasing me.
“No?”
“Yulia is bringing up some food. You can shower in my bathroom.”
My brow furrowed. “Do you share a telepathic connection with your housekeeper?”
He smiled as his phone buzzed on his nightstand. “Fortunately for her, only a technological one.”
I didn’t even notice he’d texted her. Though it wasn’t that surprising; the sight of him lying there naked was distracting. So many inches of pure man. He was perfectly flawed—from the scars to the crude tattoos—his body forged in bone and muscle and fire. I wanted to trace every line of ink on his skin with my tongue. Another desire rose and burned in my chest with a desperate emotion: I wanted to call him mine.
I straddled his hips and braced my hands on either side of his head, my breath thick. “Sometimes, I’m convinced you’re immortal.”
A smile played on his lips. “Just diabolical.”
Absently, I touched the sharp point of his incisor. It was a dangerous game putting my finger anywhere near D’yavol’s mouth, but he only gently closed his teeth on my thumb. I pulled it free, drew it across the scar on his lip, and was compelled to softly say, “So much more than that . . .”
My chest felt so heavy and light all at once. Then the thick silence was interrupted by a knock on the door. Naked as the day I was born, I cast a gaze to the sound just as Ronan said, “Come in.”
With a panicked noise, I scrambled off the bed and ran to the bathroom at lightspeed, Ronan’s soft chuckle following me. He wouldn’t think it was so funny if Yulia caught me in here fornicating with the master, killed me by sticking a pin in the heart of a voodoo doll, and destroyed his best chance at revenge.
I slammed the bathroom door shut behind me and rested my back against it. I had no idea what I was doing with Ronan, but I did know something about it felt right.
Of course, my mind reminded me of the many reasons I shouldn’t fool around with D’yavol, including but not limited to:
✔He abducted me.
✔He planned to murder my papa in cold blood.
✔He threw me out to sleep with the dogs just last night.
My conscience was raining on my parade.
Feeling so conflicted it ate at me, I dragged myself to the shower, turned the faucet on hot, and stepped under the spray. As the water rained down on me, I thought of so much but seemingly nothing at all. If anything, after this experience, I knew with a certainty I would never marry Carter. A passionless marriage wasn’t in my future, and with that knowledge, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. But it didn’t diminish other heavy truths.
Even considering my papa’s lies, his criminal character, and his absences, I still found it impossible to imagine a life without him. He was my family, my father, the person I’d always looked to for the answers. And when he turned himself in for me, he would no longer exist. The thought constricted my chest so tightly I was sure I’d bruise.
Selfishly, I was just as terrified of being alone. I didn’t know how Ivan felt about me anymore, and I knew I couldn’t ask him to stay by my side just because I was scared of being truly, awfully alone . . . Madame Richie’s cigarette smoke and laughter swirled behind my closed eyes, clouding my mind with the smell of cloves and ruin. I wasn’t sure if it was the shower water or tears running down my face when an arm wrapped around my waist. I swayed into the contact, not resisting as Ronan pulled me back against his chest.