“I know.” It doesn’t make me feel better. I want real loved ones, flesh and bone loved ones right here with me tonight.
“What’s troubling you, pumpkin?”
Exhaling softly, I sit on the top step. “Dad, how do you know when change is good and when it’s bad?”
“Hm…” I appreciate him not rushing to answer. “Change is inevitable…”
“What I mean is, how do you know when it’s time to make a change and when you’re going in the wrong direction?”
“That’s easy.” His smile drifts through the line. “You’ll know the change is good when you feel calm. You’ll know it’s right when you have peace in your heart.”
“There’s no way to know before?”
“Of course, but it’s a soft voice. Don’t ignore your instinct. Listen to it.”
Disconnecting from my dad, I close my eyes and picture JR, his sexy gaze and his full lips parting with a gorgeous smile. I think about him hugging his little boy, and looking at me with so much feeling in his eyes… Were the feelings love?
It warms me to my toes, and I know he’s a good change. I imagine him looking at the sky somewhere just like I’m doing right now.
Reaching up, I hold a pinpoint of light, a star between my fingers. I send my warmest wishes across the miles to wherever he is right now.
This one’s for you. To protect you…
Maybe I’ll find him again now that I’m home.
Maybe we’ll have the chance to try again, to see what a life would be like for a sunny girl and an angry boy with a scar.
Maybe we’ll fall in love.
Maybe we already have…
Jr
It took three days of sitting on the bench outside Ritual Coffee Roasters for me to find him. He appeared at the counter right at closing time, just as I was leaving to go to the bus stop to head home.
He stood there talking to one of the baristas, and my heart beat so hard in my chest, I had to grip the wood of the bench to keep from charging in there and grabbing him.
Calm.
Self-control.
Do it the right way, not the easy way.
Now I’m at my studio apartment, making my daily Facetime call to my son. Jesse is animated as ever, blue eyes bright as he tells me about his day.
Only today instead of happy, his lips press into a thin line and anger darkens his expression. “Hunter said only pirates could play on his team, and I was not a pirate.”
“Do you want to be on his team?” I do my best to be a thoughtful, calm dad and not call the little punk excluding my kid a bad name. “Why don’t you make a team with Jimmy?”
“He picked Jimmy first. He said I could be on the team with all the girls.”
My hackles are up, and I’m ready to violate parole again. “Where’s Uncle Scout?”
“He’s here.” Jesse hooks a thumb over his shoulder. “He said he’s going to call Hunter’s dad, but Hunter doesn’t have a dad. I told him that.”
Lifting my chin, I start to see what’s going on. “You know, sometimes missing a dad can make kids act like bullies.”
I’m not sure my son is old enough to understand the concept of self-loathing.
His brow furrows just like a little man’s as he thinks. It makes me smile. “When you were gone, I didn’t act like that.”
“That’s because you’re a smart guy, J. You knew I was coming back. And you had GA and people around who loved you taking care of you.”
His face scrunches. He’s reluctant, but trying. “Poppy would take me to the park and throw the ball.”
My jaw tightens at the mention of my dad, but I don’t want my son to see my anger. “Is Uncle Scout doing that with you now?”
“Yeah!” His eyes brighten. “Every day after school. And he taught me to skateboard. I’m the only kid at school who has a longboard.”
“That’s really cool. Send me a picture.”
“We’ll send you a video!” He’s talking loud again, and I’m glad he seems to have forgotten his anger.
“I can’t wait to see it.” I’m smiling, and damn, I want to be there with him. “Hey, little man, you know I love you?”
“I love you too, Dad.”
“I’m working on getting home, but I need to talk to Uncle Scout now. I need him to help me with something.”
“Okay! He’s right here.” The video zig-zags as he bounces on the bed then runs to find my brother. “Here he is!”
“Hey, J?”
“Yeah?”
“Think about tomorrow, maybe starting your own team first with Jimmy. Then pick Hunter to be on it.”
He’s quiet a bit, frowning. He’s breathing fast from running, but I can see in his blue eyes he’s thinking about what I’m saying. “I’ll try.”
Pride swells in my chest at my boy. “Let me know how it goes.”
My brother’s smiling face appears on the screen. “What’s the latest, bro?”
“Hey, I need your help.”
“Shoot.”
“I need to record a confession on my phone, but I don’t see a voice recorder or anything.” I frown, turning the device side to side. “How can I do that?”
“Damn, sometimes I forget you were in the joint the last two years. Technology has come a long way, old one.”
“Can you focus? It’s important.”
He laughs, walking me through how to make a voice memo on my phone.
“What would be even better is if you did video, then there’s no question who’s talking.”
“I don’t know how I could hold up a phone and get him to confess…”
“Put it face up on the table.” I don’t know how that’s better, but he walks me through the steps for that as well. “Just be sure you don’t accidentally delete it once you’re done.”
“How the hell would I do that?” Panic tightens my lungs.
“Not save it, hit the delete button, lots of ways.”
“Mother…” I don’t say the rest, because Jesse could be in the room, but motherfucker. My jaw tightens, still I’m not backing down this close to the goal. “I’ll have to be careful.”
“Call me as soon as you’re done.”
“Okay. Thanks, bro.” I’m ready to say goodnight, but I hesitate. I want to ask him one more thing, even if he’ll give me shit for it. He’s going to gloat, but I don’t care.
“What?”
“Do you know how to get in touch with Hope? Like did she give you her number or anything?”
“About time you got your head out of your ass.”
“Just tell it to me.”
“I wish I could. She didn’t give it to me. She was into you, not me, remember?”
I remember it so well.
Disappointment sinks in my chest. “I just thought you might—”
“Don’t worry, bro. You get that video, and we’ll find her. It’s going to work out. I’ve got a good feeling about this.”
I wish I did. I’m worried and alone out here, and damn this technology. I’ve got to get that confession.