As if she sensed his hesitation, she cupped the side of his face and gentled her voice. “Did something happen?”
Never in his life had he had such difficulty finding his voice. The right words. He forced his gaze to hers and steeled himself for whatever response came. “There are no more avenues to pursue in finding your father and brother.”
She held his stare. Studied his features as though searching for some sub context to go with his message. “You think I’ll judge you for that, don’t you?” Not a real question. More a statement posed in a rhetorical nature.
“You came to our family for help. How could you not cast judgment?”
Her features softened, more so than he’d ever seen beyond their physical intimacy, and a soft, understanding smile tugged the corners of her lips. “Roman, I’d be with my family wherever they are right now if you hadn’t saved me. Or dead. You’ve protected me. Fed me. Given me a safe place to stay and completely spoiled me along the way. I’ve been dealing with my dad and brother’s shit for years. Trust me when I tell you, I have zero issue labeling them shortsighted idiots. But you? How could I ever judge you as anything other than a kind and considerate human being?”
Because he wasn’t. With her, yes. And with his family as well. But with others? “There are many who would never tie those words to me.”
She hesitated only a heartbeat. One tiny, supercharged moment in time before she uttered, “What words would they use?”
It was too soon. Too fragile of a time between them. Too risky to unveil his past before he’d build a stronger bond. Shown her what life by his side would be like.
“Roman.” She traced the line of his jaw. His cheekbone and his brow. “You know who I am. Know all my secrets. Yesterday, you asked me if I was brave enough to know you. Well, I’m asking. And not because I’m afraid, but because I want to really know the man who’s turning my world upside down in ways I’d never even imagined.” She paused long enough to press her hand above his heart. “Tell me. What words would they use?”
For years, shame and guilt had plagued him. Weighted his soul no matter how many good things he’d done trying to earn redemption. But never had they cut as deep as they did in this moment.
His mouth went dry and his lungs ached for lack of air. But she deserved the truth. Deserved nothing more than the same fearlessness she’d shown him.
He swallowed around the fear knotting his throat and squeezed her hip, willing her to understand. Praying for a miracle. “They would call me a killer.”
Chapter Eighteen
A killer.
Deep down, Bonnie had known the truth. Had braced for just such an answer in the quiet while she’d worked on the gold metal clay.
But hearing it—seeing the pain behind his eyes as he made his admission and feeling the tension in him made her want to weep. To dig beneath his flesh and muscle and find the ugly stain that clearly marked him and cut it free.
He hurt. Ached. It was written on every line on his face. But more than that, she sensed fear. Bone-chilling fear the likes of which she doubted she’d ever feel in her life. He might be a confessed murderer, but in that moment he held her with the utmost tenderness and gazed down at her like she was his sole redemption.
She sucked in a slow but shaky breath and squeezed his shoulders in what she hoped conveyed encouragement. “I’m listening.”
Disbelief flared behind his steel-colored eyes. “Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Why are you not furious? Not rebuking me?”
Logic wanted her to. Or maybe it was just the fear and powerlessness created by her family, urging her to create some kind of distance. But all she could think about—all she could hear in her head—was what Cassie had shared about Kir. What Evie had shared about Sergei. They both knew beyond the shadow of a doubt what their men were capable of, but they’d made their decisions to be with them based on who they were at their core. On their current actions, not their pasts.
“Would you kill without a reason? If you knew that it was wrong?”
“I have.”
“When?”
“In Russia. It was what I was known for. My skills were always called upon by my vor when a situation could not be contained or a rival moved too close to his territory.”
“You never told your boss no?”
He shook his head. “It was not my place to ask. It was my job to act.”
“But only on someone’s order.”
He acknowledged her statement with a slow dip of his head.
“And here?”
“Not without provocation, no. It is why I moved here with Sergei. I knew he was different. Knew that he would bring honor and fairness to his family.” His gaze darkened. “But I would kill without thought if anyone dared hurt my family.” His thumb grazed her temple. “If they dared hurt you.”
It was the absolute truth. Even if she hadn’t witnessed what he was capable of the night she’d been attacked, the certainty was there burning behind his gaze. A vow she felt to her very bones.
Could she accept that? Accept him and all the ferocity that made him who he was? Take the good as well as the bad just as he had with her? True, she was no murderer, but she was a handful in her own right. A hellion that could cuss more proficiently than the men who worked for him and would rather wear boots than heels any day. A redneck who’d barely gotten her GED and knew her way around pubs better than she could navigate a mall or a charity event.
Yes.
It was that simple. Her heart knew him, with or without the details that made up his history. Had experienced his goodness and sensed the weight that plagued his view of himself. “That’s why I’m not furious. Why I can’t judge you for the things you’ve done. Because you’re a good person. A good man who did the best he could with what he had to work with growing up. No different than what I did.”
“But your family—”
“There is no comparison between you and my family. Not even a little bit. And if you want me to believe that I can and should be a part of your life, you’re going to have to believe that I accept you as you are. The past as much as the future you’re building.”
For the first time since she’d met him, he seemed speechless. Tongue-tied with wonder and gripped so tightly with emotion she halfway expected him to combust.
“You want to stay.” Said as though the words were meant to convince himself rather than gain clarity from her. “You want to be with me.”
“I want today. I want tomorrow. I want to explore where this goes and do it so we’re both free to learn each other without obligation.”