However, before I could gather my emotions and bottle them away, Josiah waltzed through the kitchen entryway and pinned me against the counter. We were alone. Before I could distance myself, he grabbed my cheeks and passionately kissed me. When we first kissed, it was an exploratory test. Something both of us needed to expel the sadness and tension between us. This new kiss was one of desperation. He kissed me like a man that was starving. Our teeth clashed, and he gripped my hair, pulling us even closer. I felt him harden against my stomach, and I pulled away.
“What are you thinking?” I whispered in a clipped tone. “Your fiancé is out there, as well as her brothers. Do you have a death wish?” I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and his eyes followed my movement.
“I don’t give a damn. I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember. And now that I’ve gotten a taste of what we could have, I’m not giving you up.”
Once again, he pushed against me, this time with much more force. His hands circled my wrists and clamped down hard. The pressure was a painful mix of pleasure and pressure that caused me to groan. The sound seemed to spur Josiah on, and I was greeted with a broad smile. He looked almost predatory. “I’m going to fix this. All of this.”
“What are you saying?” I asked incredulously. However, before he could answer, Jacob’s cough reverberated throughout the kitchen.
“Hey, sweetheart. Was wondering if you needed help in the kitchen.” He smiled widely at me and walked over to us. Josiah quickly removed his grip on me, but still stood uncomfortably close.
“I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Jacob.” He thrust his hand out towards Josiah, and they shook with much more force than necessary. Jacob then snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me away from Josiah. The moment he was a safe distance from me, I gulped air. Did Jacob see us kissing?
Jacob helped me make everyone tea, and he retrieved some cookies that I made yesterday. While putting everything on a platter, Cyler collected Josiah and ushered him back towards the formal dining room.
“It's okay, Ash. It’s all going to be okay,” Jacob whispered. I detected a hint of hurt in his tone, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it.
We walked back, and I politely handed the refreshments out in the downstairs formal dining room that Cyler once told me was only used for business meetings. After I handed them out, Jacob grabbed my waist and guided me to the chair between him and Huxley. I briefly worried about what Huxley would think about our nearness, but I wanted to provide comfort to him while Jules was there. Huxley seemed disinterested in what I was doing; all his attention was placed menacingly on Jules and Josiah.
“What brings you here, Josiah? I thought I’d be retrieving the next wave of Walkers at the wedding,” Cyler asked.
Josiah looked pointedly at me, then turned to answer his question. “Since you were attacked, I thought it would be honorable to replenish your Walkers. Our alliance is crucial to me. I also wanted to tour your quaint, little village.” He took a big bite of the cookie and groaned.
“Oh, Ash,” he said with a full mouth. “This cookie is the second most delicious thing I’ve tasted today.” He licked his lips, and I blushed at what he suggested. His obvious affections were completely unlike his usual controlled behavior.
“Did you all miss me?” Jules affectionately asked while glaring at Jacob. He had snaked his arm around me protectively and pulled me closer, almost yanking me out of my chair and onto his lap. He seemed to want to hurt Jules, but I felt used, and the emotional whiplash made tears sprinkle the corner of my eyes.
Once again, everyone seemed to ignore her, including Josiah. I felt suffocated by tension. Having a full understanding of what transpired between everyone made the entire situation that much more intense.
“If you’ll just excuse me. I think I need a nap.” I prayed that none of them begged me to stay. “Kemper and I toured the Walker housing, and it left me quite tired,” I explained while standing up. Jacob looked at me with sad, but understanding, eyes. I didn’t want to disappoint him, but the confusion I felt was too much.
I didn’t want to feel used. I didn’t want to feel like a dirty secret. I wanted space. While walking towards my room, massive steps followed behind me, and I turned with a sigh.
Surprisingly, Huxley stood there looking unsure. “Can we talk?” he asked.
“Sure.” I didn’t feel like being scolded, but this was their house. I led him to my room. He looked around while I removed my shoes and piled my thick hair up on top of my head.
My room had changed some since first moving there. I had set up a small, art corner full of the supplies that Cyler got me, and I’d filled the walls with some of the sketches and paintings I’d made over the past couple days. Huxley’s large frame openly observing my work made me uncomfortable. Still, he remained silent. I sat on the bed, waiting for him to explain why he wanted to talk.
His hand crushed into a fist, and when he released it, I saw that his nails had dug into his skin, breaking it and causing it to bleed.
“I almost killed my best friend because of her,” he growled in a low voice. “Her unexpectedly showing up puts a lot of pressure on all of us. I just wanted to say thank you for keeping Jacob calm. He may be hurt, but ultimately, I think she scares him. I think he doesn’t believe that we still chose him over her.” His face looked like he’d rather choke on thorns than say ‘thank you’ to me, but I remained quiet and allowed him to continue.
“I just wanted to say that, it’s not an act. You comfort Jacob. He’s . . . calmer when you’re around. And he needs someone to make him feel secure in his place with us, here.” Huxley looked around the room and avoided making eye contact with me.
“Huxley,” I began. I tried not to choke on the sob that rose up in my throat. “Josiah has become more desperate since the last time I saw him. It concerns me.” Admitting it out loud made the tears I wanted to keep at bay roll freely down my cheeks. How could what I’ve always wanted, make me so sad?
I knew that if anyone knew how dangerous desperation could be, it was Huxley. He was still struggling with the guilt that Jules’ irrational thinking left behind.
“The fact that he’s here shows that he’s getting sloppy and letting his responsibilities crack,” Huxley seemed to think out loud. “Cyler told us that you and he had a history. I think you need to stay close to us.” I nodded. “We will keep you safe, Ash.” My nickname rolled off his tongue, and I felt a strange urge to hug him, but instead, he walked out of my room, and I laid down and allowed exhaustion to overcome me.
Chapter Eighteen
The next morning, I snuck out early to go to the dormitories where Maverick was administering vaccinations and making sure each male Walker was physically able to work in the mines. The long walk gave me time to think about Josiah’s rushed visit and consider how I wanted to handle things with him. All the pain, tension, and love between us was too much to handle, and I needed time to consider what I wanted from him.
I heard Patrick calling my name, and I turned to see him running towards me, carrying a basket of what I assumed to be breakfast.
“Hey, sugar. I went to get you this morning but was surprised to find that you had already left,” he roared. Once we were closer, he said in a lower and softer tone. “I’d prefer that you didn’t walk alone while we have visitors. Please wait for one of us in the future.” He stared at me with wild eyes. I saw a firm determination there that made me feel safe and secure. It was a sense of stability that I needed with all the events of the past month.