She glanced at me, eyes glossy and wet, like what she wanted me to see, she wouldn’t hide, and I could see plainly everything that was there. She’d loved him, but it went deeper than what her family felt for Luca. He was her lover. He was her everything.
“I was twenty. He was almost thirty. We were so stupid. And Luca, he was all about honor and respect. He’d messed up so much and Smoke had given him a second chance. But my brother…when he found out about us…” Toni closed her eyes, squeezing them tight, like the memory was too much, the irritation, the pain of it all ached between her temples. “He thought I was some stupid kid. He thought Luca had taken my virginity and Smoke lost it. Told Luca that he’d kill him if he ever came near me again. So, I convinced Luca to run away. He didn’t want to go anywhere. He wanted my parents’ blessing. He wanted to do everything the right way.
“But I was so young and so in love with him. And Luca would have given me anything. But he was so messed up about never knowing who his father was. Some gangster from Sicily his mom should have never messed with. Her family put her out because she ran off with him. It was a big scandal. But, he wasn’t interested in her after she got pregnant. Refused to marry her and she was left on her own. Turned out by her family, then her man. It was hard enough being a single woman back then living on her own, but being a single Black woman with a baby? Here? You don’t know how hard it was for Luca…half-Italian, half-Black kid with some guy for a father no one knows and his mother’s people refusing to claim him because he was a bastard.”
Toni pushed her eyebrows together, the frustration, the anger bunching up until a small line deepened along her forehead and she curled her arms in front of her chest, her fingers balled into a fist. “He’s beautiful. Those full lips. Those dark eyes. That luscious brown skin? But some people are so fucking small and cruel. And he didn’t want me to lose my family.”
“They would never…”
“No,” she said automatically, turning toward me, taking my hand. “They wouldn’t. And that wasn’t why Smoke didn’t want us together.”
“Then why…”
“Respect. Business.” She shook her head, her nostrils flaring as she inhaled, like the idea of both those things were still so ridiculous all these years later. “Defiance. It was because Smoke thought I was a kid. His kid sister and he didn’t want me pissing away my future settling down to be someone’s wife and mother. He wanted me to go to college and run a business. He wanted me to conquer the world, like I couldn’t do that shit and still be Luca’s wife, still have his…” The more she spoke, the louder Toni got and the thicker moisture collected on her eyelashes. Here, she paused, blinking until small dots of tears fell from her thick lashes and landed on her cheeks. She swiped at them, looking angry, irritated that she’d begun to cry. “But all he saw was me defying him and Luca taking me away after he told him to keep away from me. So he found us in Boston. And it was…”
Toni looked away from me then, moving her head like she debated what to say next. Maybe the truth was too hard to speak out loud. Maybe she didn’t want me to know everything. Maybe there were things that just weren’t my business. Whatever made her pause, kept Toni from looking at me and the tears started up again so thick that I thought about telling her to forget that I asked for the truth. The small stack of paper napkins was at my elbow and I grabbed two, brushing her arm with my hand as an offer that she took.
“You don’t have to…”
“He’s not a bad man,” she said, wiping her face.
“Toni…”
“Luca’s mother was dying.” She turned, nodding at me, and I took the hint, grabbing another clean napkin to fix her smudged makeup before she continued. “He didn’t know about it because she hadn’t told him. Smoke found out from our aunt Maria. She and Luca’s mom were sorority sisters. Smoke told Luca.”
I pulled my hand from her face and watched her, unable to do anything else until she finished speaking.
“He knew that Luca would leave. He knew that his only focus then would be getting his mom well. And he was right. But Smoke didn’t tell me any of that. Not when he found us. He brought Luca out of the hotel room and gave him the news. He wouldn’t let him back in to see me. Luca was so upset about his mom, he just left.”
Toni dropped her eyes, looking down at the wadded napkins she twisted between her fingers and I held her hand, holding it between my own. “And you thought he abandoned you?”
“And Smoke let me keep thinking that,” she said, staring me directly in the eyes. Her face was dry now. “For years.”
“Toni…Dios…”
“When I found out, I was…enraged.” She shook her head, eyebrows going up like the memory was still a shock to her. “Luca tried to get back in touch with me. Tried seeing me, calling me, but I thought he abandoned me. He thought I’d changed my mind. Smoke was the only one who knew the truth and when I confronted him, he promised it was to protect us both.”
“He lied to you.”
“He did.” She nodded, rubbing her arms as her attention moved back across the room to where Dario and Luca sat together, and glanced in their direction. Luca DeRosa was still beautiful, even at almost forty. But there was something in his eyes I couldn’t place. Sadness? Loss? Maybe that was something I was reading into the look that seemed to always be on his face, but it seemed to match the one Toni wore.
“Now it’s…complicated. But Maggie, my brother,” she grabbed my hand, bringing my attention back to her, “he wasn’t wrong about a lot of things. I did all the things he said I’d be good at. Went to school, excelled. Started a business, became rich and successful from it. I don’t know if that would have happened if I would have married him at twenty.”
“But you’ll never know and what if Luca was the love of your life?”
Toni tilted her head, opening her mouth as though she couldn’t believe I hadn’t connected the dots yet. “Oh, cara…but he is. Of course he is.” She looked back across the room, catching the look Luca gave her, not smiling, her expression as blank, as neutral as the one he gave her. “Why do you think I’m still so pissed at my chooch brother? I can be thankful for what he did, but still pissed at him for doing it.”
“But can’t you and Luca…”
“It’s not that simple.” She finally looked back at me, closing her eyes one last time before she grabbed another napkin. “It’s all a mess now.”
Smoke had good intentions, but those good intentions seemed to always hurt the people who cared most about him.
“Fuck this,” she finally said, releasing a long sigh before she stretched toward the bar and grabbed a bottle of tequila.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to touch that bottle.”
“Like I care.” Toni cracked the paper seal and spun the cap loose, pouring two quick shots between us. “We deserve this shit tonight.”
“Enzo’s gonna kill you,” I heard, staring at the full shot glass as Toni held hers to her mouth. Dante approached and leaned behind his sister, cocking an eyebrow up as she threw back the drink. “That doesn’t go live for another month and they were planning this big…well, there she goes.” The youngest Carelli waved a hand, smiling as his big sister poured herself another shot and had it down her throat before he could finish speaking.