I don’t understand why she can’t do it.
Do you remember when it snowed?
When had I gone inside? When had I discovered what she’d done?
Whatever had been there was rubbed out. For years now, when I reached for my mother’s face, I could only call up images from the photographs I’d seen. I had forgotten it, maybe on purpose, the way I’d forgotten what Robin was like, how it felt to be her double.
I inhaled and sat up. Then I went over to the bed and retrieved Robin’s folded clothes and the travel bag of makeup, tucking them carefully into the bag, beside her shoes and her necklace. I zipped the duffel and looked over my shoulder.
It was as if she had never been here.
* * *
—
I had one last night with my new family, before I left with the old. I cleaned the house methodically, with my yellow gloves on, and went to the grocery store, where I bought an entire chicken, several carrots, a bag of pearl onions, a package of cremini mushrooms, and a bottle of wine to replace the one that was currently sitting at the bottom of Mrs. Alderete’s swimming pool. When Dave came home, lugging Eli’s car seat, I was at the stove. “That smells so good,” he said. “I’m starving. Can I have some?”
“No,” I said, pushing the onions and garlic around the pan. “I’ve barely started.”
He set Eli’s car seat down with a slightly unceremonious thunk and came over to kiss me. I smiled against his mouth.
“You look good,” he said, pushing my hair behind my ear. “Happy.”
“I am happy,” I said. “You brought my baby back.” It was something a better version of me might say. I knelt down next to the car seat. “It’s Eli!” I whispered.
Eli kicked his legs and screeched at approximately fourteen times the volume I’d used.
“Yeah, that’s you.” I held his feet and bicycled them in the air. “So strong.”
Dave wrapped his arms around me from behind. “Pilates so early,” he said, biting my shoulder delicately. “I love you.”
I leaned back into him, breathing him in.
“Your garlic is starting to smell weird,” he said after a while. Eli yelled a string of unintelligible syllables. “That’s right,” Dave agreed. “He smells it too.”
I straightened up. “If you’re hungry, there’s a baguette on the counter. You could slice that early. I left the butter out.”
“You’ve saved my life,” Dave said. “Can I help make salad?”
“You’re required to make salad.”
“Oh, well, then,” he said. “See if I ever do you a favor again.” He went to the drawer and pulled out the bread knife.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” I said as he took the bread out of its paper sleeve.
“Well, I talked to Elaine today,” he said, breaking off the end of the baguette and stuffing it plain into his mouth. Eli babbled to himself in the corner and Dave hustled over to unstrap him from the car seat. “You hungry too, my small auctioneer?”
Eli squeaked.
“Well, I don’t think you can have what Mom’s making, because I’m pretty sure that at least half that bottle of wine goes into the stew.”
“I cooked some of the carrots and chicken before and chopped it up with a little bit of stock. It’s in the fridge,” I put in.
Dave raised his eyebrows. “Thinking ahead.” He settled Eli in his chair at the table and went to the fridge.
“You were talking about Elaine,” I prompted him.
“Oh, right.” Dave nudged me aside so he could put the baby portion in the microwave. “She’s thinking about dating again.” He watched the microwave count down, then opened the door to test the temperature and grabbed the orange plastic baby spoon from the drawer. Eli’s eyes followed it like a beacon as Dave stirred the makeshift stew. “She’s been,” Dave continued, sitting down at the table, “blow on it, Eli, that’s it—no yelling at the table—she’s been in touch with her ex again recently.”
“Is she going to date him?” I pulled the cork out of the wine bottle, careful not to break it.
“I think she was considering it. He’s Brody and Tanner’s dad, so she didn’t want to give up the dream.”
“I thought he left her when she was pregnant.”
“He did, for some other chick who’s not half as cute. Anyway, he said if they were talking again they should share passwords, and then he went through all her accounts immediately and decided that I’m what the Scientologists would call a suppressive person and I need to be excommunicated—”
“He’s not a Scientologist, is he?”
Eli puffed his cheeks out and let a little bit of superhydrated carrot dribble onto his chin. Dave laughed and wiped it away. “Do you see me or your mom dribbling food on our chins for fun? No? That’s because it’s not polite.”
“Bah gah,” Eli said.
“You question the system,” Dave replied, pursing his lips. “I can see you were raised by a suppressive person. No, he’s not a Scientologist, just shitty. Whoops. Don’t listen to that, Eli. What I mean is that he is an insecure weasel who thinks having control is the same as having character. So he told her not to talk to me anymore, because I told her to ignore him. Well, that’s not what he said to Elaine. To Elaine, he said I’m obviously secretly in love with her and trying to steal her away.”
“Could you ever be with Elaine?” I asked from the stove.
Dave frowned in the middle of sticking the spoon into Eli’s mouth. “Well, we’ll never know, will we?” he said, quirking an eyebrow at me. “Anyway, she told him about, uh, a fun activity he could try, and I think that was the last round of him. She’s moving on, finally.”
“I love you,” I said.
He glanced up and smiled. “Thanks, baby. Eli loves you too. Look.”
Eli grinned at him, his face mostly orange.
“We should take a picture,” I said. “For when he’s older.”
Dave’s face lit up. “Yes!” He dug out his phone. “Wait, come over here and sit next to him.”
I left the spoon in the pot and went to the table to crouch next to Eli’s chair. Eli glanced at me and slapped one orange hand onto my face. I yelped.
“Yeeees,” Dave said, looking at the screen. “I’m so glad we caught that moment. Come here.” He leaned in as if to kiss me, and then licked the carrot off my cheek.