Chapter Thirty-Eight
Thank God for small miracles.
Brody
“Exactly. They don’t know and don’t care who I really am, but only what I can do for them. When I accused you of being one of those people...there’s no excuse for that. I was wrong. I was out of line, Lily, and I might as well have been telling you that you couldn’t count on me because I pushed you to let me in, then I shit all over it.”
It was something I’d regret forever. Because I hadn’t only made her doubt me, I’d made her doubt herself, too. Dammit, I was screwing this up.
I ran a hand over my face. It was time to blitz. “I closed myself off for so long that I couldn’t tell genuine from fake anymore, and it cost me the genuine article. It cost me you.
“Your trust. Your love. Your laugh and smile. I will never forget the taste of your tears on my lips, or the sorrow in your extraordinary eyes. I put that there. I took the shine away.”
Dropping her head, she pinched the checks between her fingers. The tears she was trying to hide dropped down her cheeks.
What I wouldn’t give to take the pain away. I cupped her jaw.
She sniffed, lifted her head. “After Trey, I quit peopling all together. Unless they were dog people. And I don’t really let them in, either. Part of the reason I wanted you to go back to your place was because it was all getting too comfortable. Too real. I should have told you my plan to go to Dick, but a small part of me wondered when you’d let me down. Would it be after we found the mill? Or a month before the wedding? Or when our daughter was twelve and you drove off a bridge?” She wiped at her tears. “I was also beating myself up for losing the dogs again. It threw me right back into I have to do this, I have to do that. I can’t let other people interfere because then my heart gets broken.”
My stomach churned at the thought. “And I let you down. The one thing I swore I’d never do.” We’d taken each other’s deepest fears and breathed them to life. “I wasn’t there when you needed me most, darlin’, and I can’t promise that I’ll never let you down again. I know that now. I’m human. I’m going to screw up.”
I tipped her chin up and her watery eyes hit me in the gut, but I needed her to see my truth. “If you choose this.” I gestured between us. “There will be screwups and apologies, arguments and nights where I’m relegated to the couch, but I will not leave.” I shifted, held both of her cheeks in my palms as I let my gaze move back and forth between hers.
“Because I am totally in love with you, Lily. I’d rather hold you in an empty barn than sack a thousand quarterbacks. Or have you in my arms than money in my bank account. I don’t need a stadium full of fans screaming my name if I have your laugh to listen to. I’d rather sit on your porch and watch the dogs play than play two more years of football, because the way the game makes me feel doesn’t hold a candle to the way I feel with you.”
“What are you saying?” Her face was so open, so bright.
“All the bullshit, the ancillary crap, that comes with playing this game—fame, loss, pain and tears, the worry.” I shook my head. “It’s not worth it for me anymore. The game itself has brought me a lot of joy over the years, but football is also the main factor in all the scars our souls bear. It’s time for me to move on from this game while I’m healthy enough to enjoy my life. I know you loved your father, Lil, but I never want to walk his path. The drinking and the pills to cope with the pain and what this game does to you mentally.”
I brushed my mouth against hers. “I’m saying, if you can forgive me for being a dumbass, I’m currently unemployed—I asked Miami for my release and they gave it to me. I was hoping there might be a job for me at your new shelter. I’ll clean poop and walk dogs. Wash kennel walls and scrub floors. I’m great at tug games and I do excellent doggie commentary.”
My heart skipped several beats when she started chewing on that lip. “Football isn’t the only problem, Shaw. We weren’t communicating with each other. Neither of us was used to being open with another person. We’ve both been guarded, and we can’t do that anymore. We need to go into this with open hearts and minds and have patience with each other.”
I nodded my agreement. “Absolutely. Let’s make a deal. At the first sign one of us is slipping into old habits, we have a come to Jesus and lay it all out so that we can fix it together.”
Lily smiled through her tears, a smile that made my heart light and my head dizzy.
She slipped the checks in the pocket of her leggings and shifted on to her hands and knees. Her nails dug into my bicep. “What about baths, Shaw. Can you do baths at our rescue? Getting those Mastiffs in and out of a dog tub is not easy.”
She slipped her tongue into the dip below the base of my neck and my jeans got way too tight. When she swung a leg across my thigh and settled on my lap, my breath hitched. “I can do baths.”
“I don’t know, have you tried to get a 150-pound dog into a dog wash when they’ve never had a bath? It can be tricky.”
My girl punctuated the sentence with the slow drag of her hips over the seam of my jeans.
“I...uh, shit, that feels good. I, um, bench...weight. A-a lot. I meant to say a lot of weight. I’m strong.”
“Well, then, Mr. Shaw, you have yourself a job.” Scooting back, she unzipped my fly and pushed her hand in.
“Lily. Out here? Are you sure?”
She shrugged a shoulder. “Eh. Zero fucks. I quit.”
“Christ, that feels good.”
With that I dug a hand into her hair and gripped it firm, bringing her mouth to mine.
Standing, she kicked off her sneakers before she shimmied her pants off.
“Lily! We’re gonna get caught.”
“I don’t care.”
Oh my God, this woman. I shifted my jeans down my ass and Lily settled astride my hips, her core slick and so hot against me. “It should be illegal how good you feel.”
A smirk spread over her face and with a tilt of her hips, I was buried inside her.
I could already feel the throb in the base of my spine. “Not gonna last long, darlin’.”
I guess I’d have to wait till later to tell her about the ring in my glove box. Bonus. I’d likely get rewarded by sinking into her again.
Lord knew she was all about the positive reinforcement.
When she shifted back so we could both see down the front of our bodies, I knew I wasn’t going to last more than a couple minutes. Pushing a hand between us, I brushed her nub with the tip of my finger. “Liliana. Look at me.” She gave me those deep purple eyes, and I fell in love all over again. “I love you, darlin’.”