It’s cool in the interior of the office. My body is hot as I make my way through the door. I’ll be more than ready for bed when I finally make my way to Killer’s later today. Maybe I can take a nap and then get up and do some schoolwork before settling in with a movie for the night.
“Hi Gwen. It’s good to see you today,” Alicia, the receptionist greets me.
“You too, Alicia. I’m here for Denise again today,” I respond to her.
“She’ll be right out to get you,” Alicia informs me, turning her attention back to the computer in front of her while I sit in one of the chairs.
Picking up a magazine I have no interest in, I flip through the pages until Denise opens the door leading to the offices and conference rooms in the back of the building. Placing it back on the table in front of me, I follow my counselor back to her office. It’s one of the first ones in the hallway so it takes us seconds to get there. While we’re walking, I try to figure out what we’ll talk about today. Denise never goes with the same subject twice in a row. She wants me to think about what we talked about and then we move on to something new. That gives me a week or two in order to process what I’m feeling and thinking about things. It works for me and that’s the only reason we work like this.
“How are you feeling today?” she asks me, sitting down in the chair while I take the one opposite her.
“I’m doing okay. I got a job. Killer isn’t happy about it, but I’m working, and he has no say in my life,” I state, trying really hard to believe the words I’m spewing.
“How is living with him going?” Denise questions.
“It’s okay. We don’t really interact so there really isn’t anything to think or feel about the situation. I mean, I’m happy I’m out of my sister’s house. She doesn’t need me interfering with her life with Fox. Killer does his own thing, even though he thinks he has some sort of say in what I do with my life,” I explain to her.
“How do you feel about Killer? Are you still crushing on him?” she asks me, not letting me shy away from the situation we’ve already talked about.
“Until I get to know another man, I don’t think I’ll get over my crush on him. I’m not even sure what it is about him that draws me to him. It’s not one thing, it’s multiple things if I’m being honest with myself and you. He’ll never feel the same about me, so it’s a lost cause,” I inform her.
“Nothing is ever a lost cause if you don’t go for it. If you feel strongly for Killer, then you need to figure out if you want to proceed with it. I keep hearing you tell me Killer would never be interested in you, why is that?” she asks me, forcing me to dig deep inside myself.
“I’ve seen the women he’s with. I’m nothing like they are. I’d never be okay with having sex with him in front of other people. Or in a bathroom,” I begin, letting my emotions take over at the last time I saw Killer in a compromising position. “He doesn’t want to settle down or be with one woman. I can’t be with a man who’s going to cheat and expect me to be some little doormat he keeps at home while he has his fun at the clubhouse or on the road when he goes out of town.”
For minutes on end, so long it feels as if hours pass us by, Denise doesn’t say a word to me. She simply looks at me as if she’s trying to dig into my soul. I’m not sure what she was expecting, but what I’ve said is not what she’s expected me to tell her.
“Are you sure he’s not interested in you?” she questions me. “I mean, you don’t have a lot of experience with men or being out in the world. You just got a job for the first time in your life, making your own money. Maybe he’s giving you a chance to find yourself before you become tied to him.”
“I don’t think so. Killer isn’t the type of guy to sit back and not go after what he wants. None of the members are. If he wants a woman, he takes her. No matter where they are or what is going on around him,” I respond to her. “If Killer wanted me, I’d know it. You know I’ve gotten pretty good at reading people around me. That’s why I don’t let their words hurt me the way they did when I first started having these sessions with you.”
Instead of letting Denise try to figure out what I’m talking about, I fill her in on what happened my first day of work. How she made sure to tell me Killer wanted her to get his supplies for him along with insinuating her using them with him. I don’t leave anything out of the situation. Including Mark and how he comforted me a little bit after the incident.
“How do you feel about Mark?” Denise asks, not taking her eyes off me.
“I don’t feel anything for him. He’s a co-worker. I would never date someone I work with because if things go bad, one of us would have to leave there. It wouldn’t be Mark because he’s been at the store longer than I have. I’d never do that for him. Besides, I don’t get butterflies in my stomach like I do whenever Killer is in the same area as me.”
“I want you to think about your feelings for Killer. Take everything into consideration and really figure out what you want,” Denise tells me, looking at her watch. “I also want you to think of a few ways to put yourself out there if you decide you don’t want to pursue anything with Killer.”
Nodding my head, I stand up and let Denise lead me from the room. I don’t have to set up my next appointment since Denise automatically has me penciled in for the same day and time every single week. That’s one of the reasons I’m happy I chose to work with her. So, bypassing Alicia at the front desk, I offer up a wave before heading back outside and making my way toward my car.
Brandon is still sitting on his bike until I get next to him. Sliding his phone in his pocket, so he can get ready to head out. I remind him I’ll be heading to work. If he wants to hang out in the parking lot there, it’s on him. I don’t feel it’s necessary for him to be there when it’s not as if I’ll be alone yet. There’s still a lot for me to learn before I can even think about having a shift to myself.
We make our way to the store. Once in the parking lot there, Brandon parks his bike and gets comfortable once again. He’s going to be sitting here for six hours today. That’s a long time for someone to simply sit on their bike while I’m in working my shift. Maybe on my break I’ll call Slim and have him call Brandon off until I’m ready to head home. Not that I truly believe he’ll go for that idea, but I can at least try.
Chapter Six
Killer
WE’RE BACK EARLY from the run we had to go on. My first stop was the clubhouse to debrief with Slim. There weren’t any issues so there’s no bad news to give him. Our briefing is short and to the point. Slim will work out the next meet up we have and choose who goes on that one. I know it won’t be me because Stryker and I switch on and off so there is one of us at the clubhouse and one on the run. This way all the members are protected by either him or me at all times. It’s been working for us so there’s no point in changing it up now.
I also have to explain why I cut my hair off. Instead of it hanging down to the middle of my back like normal, it now sits just above my shoulders. Due to the job we had to do, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. When we were getting rid of the individual who thought they could sell the club out to our enemies, his blood and other gore ended up covering me from head to toe. While I really should have shaved my head, the shit mainly got in the lower part of my hair thanks to my bandana covering my head. My hair was burned with the rest of our belongings as we normally do when shit goes down.