Or maybe it was just that I had been waiting for someone who could possibly make me feel the way he had made me feel. Someone who could fill up the space Jared had left when he was so brutally torn from my life. Someone I cared enough about that it would cover up the sadness I felt for Jared, the ache that seemed to never dissipate. But there had never been anyone like that because it turned out it had been Jared all along. There was no one else who fit.
And it was shocking just how ready I was to give myself to him.
For him to take me.
I’d come so close to losing him again. I’d sensed his intentions the moment I found him sitting alone in my darkened room, and I knew it was all or nothing. And I wanted it all. Kissing him at the party had rocked my foundation. Last night had shattered it. I would never be the same.
Affection expanded in that place deep inside where I’d kept him hidden all these years. I no longer wanted to hide it, even though I knew that was exactly what I had to do. Jared was… volatile… irrational… ashamed. Not of me, but of himself. I knew there wasn’t a chance he could see himself the way I saw him. Would I ever be able to convince him he was wrong? I saw it there, dimming the light in his eyes, the idea that what he felt for me was somehow undeserved, impure, something disgraceful, bred for shame.
He couldn’t even admit what he felt was real. But I could feel it. I felt it in every brush of his hand. I found it in the words he’d once again left for me, words he didn’t have the strength to say. They were written on the same type of worn paper that he had left before.
A still heart quickens as beauty graces the foul.
Last night I’d burned to tell him, to open my mouth and expose it all. To tell him he was the reason I remained untouched because he’d already touched me in a way that bonded him to me. Intuition held me back, warning me that I’d already pushed him just about as far as he could go.
No longer was I that delusional little girl. I couldn’t fix him, and I knew I could never erase his pain. Honestly, I didn’t want to. Trying to would only minimize what he’d suffered. But maybe one day he could let go of some of the guilt. If he could be freed of the blame, he could begin to heal.
I wanted to be a part of that. Even if my only purpose was to give him a flicker of hope.
Work turned out to be just the distraction I needed. The lunch rush had the diner packed with customers, and my hands stayed busy with menial tasks while my mind stayed close to Jared. But I itched to be back in his arms.
Still I found myself driving to my parents’ house after I finished my shift. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I felt like I needed to get my feet back on solid ground, to be granted a sense of certainty, before I offered myself back up to uncertainty.
I knocked once before I opened the door. “Mom?” I called. There was no answer, and I walked through the silent house. “Dad?”
Out the sliding glass door, I caught a glimpse of them. They were curled up together on one of those two-person loungers by the pool. For a second, I remained still, watching. Wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, they had their faces turned to the blistering summer sky. Dad sat up higher, his arm draped casually around the top of Mom’s head, his fingers mindlessly toying with her hair.
They’d always been natural together. Comfortable. Even when they fought.
I shook my head and slid open the door.
Mom jumped and shot up in the lounger. Her hand went to cover her heart. “Oh my God, Aly, you scared me.”
“I always scare you, Mom.” I laughed as I stepped into the backyard. “You just jumped, like, ten feet in the air.” No surprise there.
Dad chuckled and tugged at her hair. “See? Even Aly knows what a twitchy little thing you are.”
Mom playfully swatted him across the chest. “I’m not jumpy. I’m vigilant. There’s a big difference.”
Dad pushed himself up to a sitting position. He lifted his sunglasses from his eyes and ran his hand over his face, then turned to me. “So, how are you, sweetheart?”
“Good… really good. How have you been?”
“Oh, you know, just the same,” he answered absently, never one to call much attention to himself.
I loved my dad. He was the kind who was fiercely protective, one who would willingly stand in front of a moving train if it meant he could spare someone he cared about even an ounce of suffering.
It also meant he would never understand about Jared.
Black and white. Good and bad. Even after everything Jared had gone through, Dad still could only see Jared as a punk kid who had taken his family further down in the midst of all their hurt, rather than realizing he was just a boy who couldn’t find his way out of the pain. A week before Jared had been sent away, Dad had actually forbidden Christopher to ever see Jared again. But it wasn’t as if Jared had been trying to hang out with Christopher. At that time, he was already gone, mentally, emotionally. Just… gone.
No question, Dad would see Jared as a threat now. One to his family. One to me.
“So, what are you doing here?” Mom maneuvered off the lounger and pranced across the hot concrete in her bare feet. She hugged me close, then held me by the upper arms and leaned back to take me in. She squeezed in emphasis. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“Well, that’s why I’m here,” I said dryly, shooting her a small smirk promising I was just playing around, affection shining in my eyes. I’d missed her, too.
She grinned, then softened as she touched my chin, asked quietly, “How’s my baby girl?”
“I’m good.”
Mom smiled and softly inclined her head. “Come on, let’s get something to drink.” She slid the door open. “Do you want anything, Dave?” she called behind her.
“No… I’m fine.” Dad lay back on the lounger, folding his hands over his chest.
I ran across to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you, Dad.”
“Love you, too, sweetheart.”
I skipped back across the yard and into the house. Inside, Mom was pouring two glasses of iced tea. She handed me one.
“Thank you.”
She sipped at her tea, eyeing me over her glass. I prepared for the inquisition.
“So you just popped by, huh? After I haven’t seen you in more than a month and after you never called so we could have a shopping day? I think something’s up… and judging by that smile that keeps creeping to your mouth, I’d guess it’s a boy.” The last she sang as she wiggled her shoulders.
As hard as I tried to hold it in, I let go of a small, self-conscious giggle and felt the flush the second it lit my cheeks. Even though what Jared and I had shared last night had been incredibly intense, that he’d left this heaviness weighing down the deepest recesses of my heart, there was another piece of me that felt light.