Uncertainty glimmered in her eyes, but her posture softened. Lucien didn’t know how to proceed; he’d never done anything like this before. He didn’t talk about feelings or things he wanted, but if he was going to ease her distress, then he had to tell her what he hoped for from her.
He’d never wanted something as badly as he did Callie to accept him and agree to stay with him. He was scared he would somehow blow this. In the end, he decided to go with the simple truth.
“I want you to stay with me forever.”
He lifted his gaze from the black hair in his hands to her face as he tried to gauge her reaction.
“You want me to stay here… forever?” The last word came out as a squeak.
He braced himself for her rejection of everything he was offering her. Because, he realized, he couldn’t offer her much.
Before the Savages, she had dreams, friends, and a life of freedom she cherished. Instead of freedom and goals, he was offering her a life of walls, uncertainty, and death. Because no matter what, his life would always revolve around death.
Because of her presence here and the blood he’d stuffed himself on to keep from taking hers, he had kept his need to kill suppressed. But he was aware of it constantly churning beneath his surface, waiting to break free, just as it had been there since the day he reached maturity at twenty-five.
That was the life he was offering her, and one day, he might not return to her at all. It was a bleak life, and the best thing he could offer her was himself. He was acutely aware that it wasn’t much. She deserved her freedom, concerts, friends, and dreams, but he couldn’t give those things to her.
He could only give her himself, and he wasn’t sure it was enough to make her happy.
“Yes, I want you to stay here forever with me,” Lucien said.
Callie didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t entirely sure what he meant. Did he want her to stay here as a human? But that didn’t make any sense. Humans didn’t live forever.
Her stomach hit her toes, and her blood turned to ice as it pumped sluggishly through her veins. Despite her growing love for him, she’d never considered forever, because he’d never mentioned it.
Now, the implications of what it entailed sank in. He would have to bite her again. He said it didn’t hurt if the person was willing, and she doubted the mated vamps here would have so many bite marks on them if it were as awful for them as it was for her, but she still wasn’t ready to leap into trying it out again.
Plus, she was reasonably sure she’d have to die to become a vampire, and she wasn’t exactly in a rush for that to happen. Then there was the whole drinking blood thing. She gulped as she fought back her nausea.
“And by forever do you mean as a… a vampire?” she asked.
Lucien forced himself to remain calm even as the dread in her eyes scared him in a way he’d only ever been scared once before. Then, he’d been standing over the bodies of his slaughtered family. Then, he’d felt a madness growing inside him as he cradled Coralie to his chest and felt her blood coating his hands.
He’d been on the verge of becoming like the monster who shattered her young life and robbed Lucien of the only one friend he had. If Yannis hadn’t shown himself and allowed Lucien to focus his building rage on someone, he may have turned Savage that day.
“Yes, and live with me as my mate,” he said.
Her mouth parted, but she didn’t say anything as the seconds stretched into minutes, and he wondered if he’d blown this completely. He wasn’t one for words; he was one for action. He scrambled to think of something romantic that would make her agree to stay, but he was afraid it would come out sounding like, me Tarzan, you Jane, no matter what he said.
His hand constricted on her lock of hair as he searched her eyes, but all he saw there was continuing uncertainty and trepidation. Those were the last two things he wanted to see after revealing his plans to the one he hoped to share his life.
He hadn’t expected her to be overwhelmed with joy, but this complete lack of a reaction was worse than if she’d laughed or told him no. Was she trying to figure out how to get away from him?
“Would I ever leave these walls again?” she asked.
Lucien opened his mouth to tell her no, she wouldn’t, but the words stuck in his throat. He couldn’t tell her that. Forever was a long time to spend wandering this compound. The idea of it was a form of hell he wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Many hunter women willingly stayed locked away, but they had a shorter life expectancy than vampires, and not all of them took it well. Some of them were training to hunt alongside their men. Before the Alliance, such a thing never would have happened, but a few women were almost ready to go into the field, and they would do it soon.
The other hunter women were content to retain their traditions, but he couldn’t expect Callie to be the same way. She knew the outside world; she’d experienced the joy of it.
Telling her that she had to remain trapped here forever was the equivalent of cutting her wings and throwing her in a cage. It would break her spirit, and as much as he longed to keep her safe, he couldn’t do that to her.
“Yes, you would,” he said. “I would take you out when you asked to go out to see or do things.”
“But I couldn’t travel freely?”
“No. There are too many others here that we have to protect. Few of them know where this compound is; I understand your desire for freedom, but you couldn’t leave here on your own.”
Callie tilted her head as she studied him. The movement caused his hand to tug on her hair, but he didn’t release her. She sensed his agitation as he stared at her with desperation in those beautiful black eyes. He looked so vulnerable, and, like a punch to the gut, she realized she held his fate in her hands.
Without her, he would go mad or die. The idea of such a thing caused her heart to twist as tears burned her eyes. She couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to him, but she would be giving up so much if she agreed to stay.
“You could work with the animals here,” he said. “The hunters grow food, and you can help with that.”
She didn’t see much of a reason to grow food if she would be drinking blood; her stomach rolled at the thought.
“I’ll go to the shelters and adopt animals for you. The children are always finding wounded birds, and the hunters have livestock that sometimes requires medical attention. I’ll take you to concerts,” he offered. “If you want to go somewhere, I’ll take you, as long as it’s safe.”
It would be a form of torture to stand with all those humans while listening to that music they often played at those festivals. He didn’t consider it music, but he would listen to it for her. If it made her happy, he would do anything for her.
Some of Callie’s apprehension ebbed at his words and the fervent tone of his voice. “You would hate that.”
“Not if you were there. Not if it made you happy.”
Her heart melted, and she longed to hug him, but she was acutely aware that while he’d announced her as his mate, he hadn’t mentioned love. However, his promises and words spoke of love even if he didn’t say the word.
“I’ll do anything to make you happy, Callie. I know this isn’t the life you dreamed about, and I know it’s difficult for you to give up your dreams. You didn’t ask for this, and I can’t change what happened, but I’ll do everything I can to help you fulfill some of your dreams.”