“The Goddess sent you a messenger, dark bird.” Raeshal stroked my hair. “You are special. I've always known it. That's why I was so scared when you offered to go on that mission.”
“You were scared?” I whispered.
“I love you,” he said simply. “Have for a while now.”
“Rae, I...”
“It's okay. I know he told you I'm engaged. He must have.”
“Yeah.”
“I love her too.” He grinned. “You not loving me back, it's kind of freeing. I don't have to worry about leaving you.” He scowled. “Except now, maybe I do. Tell me what happened.”
“He beat me with a belt,” I whispered.
“What?!” Raeshal growled.
“I thought we were just playing,” it all started tumbling out. “I thought he was kinky or something. And then the Coyote Lord came in. He said something to me at the meeting, basically offered to fuck me, and I didn't say anything to him. Dal got mad. He said that he had claimed me but I didn't... I don't know, what I didn't do. Didn't act claimed, I guess. He was so mad. We took a bath and were heading to bed when the Coyote Lord came in. So I told him right then. I said that I belonged to Dal. I said I belonged to him, Rae! Fuck, who have I become? In two days, he's turned me into someone else.”
“Belonging to someone can feel safe,” Rae said gently. “Especially when the person you love needs to possess you.”
“Yeah, well, I thought I did what he wanted, but when the Coyote Lord left, I tried to talk to him and—”
“Oh, sweet mother,” Rae whispered. “You tried to talk to him about Brendallen?”
“Yeah! I don't do that shit! You know me. If you want to share, fine, but I'm not gonna ask. But he looked so upset and I... I thought we had something. I wanted to know why he was mad. So, I asked him. And he fucking beat me for it. Beat me so bad, I couldn't stand up at first, even after I healed.”
“Fuck,” it was barely a breath of sound on Rae's lips. “Ravyn, I'm going to tell you something that no one but the Hawk Lord, the Coyote Lord, Jaxon, and I know. You must swear to me to never repeat it and swear to never tell Dalsharan that I told you.”
“Okay,” I whispered. “Who's Jaxon?”
“Jaxon was Dal's first love,” Rae said, then let out a long sigh. “They were great together. Inseparable. Then the three of us went to Reshabar one year.”
You're not still pissed about that little eagle in Reshabar? Brendallen's voice slid through my mind.
“Is Jaxon an Eagle?” I asked.
“Yeah.” Rae frowned. “How did you know that?”
“Fuck. The Coyote Lord taunted Dal about him just before we... before he...”
“Beat the shit out of you?” Rae asked sadly.
“Yeah.”
“Dalsharan is a good man, Ravyn. He will stand by you to his last breath. He will fight for you and protect you and sing your fucking praises. You heard him tonight; he made sure that everyone knew what you had done for him, even though it made him look weak.”
“But?”
“But he's got a darkness in him,” Rae admitted. “And its name is Jaxon.”
“What happened?”
“Jaxon pledged himself to Dal. They were going to get married. But he'd been cheating on him the entire time. Jaxon had this... need that Dal couldn't fill. He liked to be hurt. Beyond mere domination. We're talking real whips, strangling, you name it. The guy wanted to bleed.”
“Oh, fuck,” I whispered.
“Yeah. And Dal wouldn't do it. So, Jaxon found someone else to.”
“Let me guess, the Coyote Lord?”
“You got it, bright eyes,” Rae put an arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “Dal found them together in Reshabar. Brendallen had Jaxon bent over a bed with his hands stretched out before him and was—”
“Fuck!” I jumped to my feet. “Gods damn fuck!”
“He did that to you?” Raeshal asked.
“So, he couldn't hit his beloved Jaxon, but he can whale on me?” I snarled.
“You don't understand, Ravyn. Jaxon made Dalsharan feel like less of a man. He made him feel weak. Dal was twisted by it. He nearly killed Jaxon and Brendallen when he found them—beat them both senseless. Then he walked away and got drunk for a long time. Ever since then, there's a part of him that believes that loving someone means hurting them. He thinks he has to dominate a lover to show his masculinity. And the worst trigger is Brendallen.”
I slumped back on the log.
“He hit you like that because he was afraid of losing you, Ravyn,” Rae whispered. “He thought you were going to leave him.”
I gave him the look that statement deserved.
“I know it's fucked up.” Rae held up his hands placatingly. “But that's how it is. You scared him. Brendallen scared him. It was Dal's way of holding on and it, of course, drove you away.”
“Fuck,” I whispered again.
“Don't give up on him,” Rae said gently. “Please, don't. Give Dal a chance to talk to you, to explain. Give him a chance to discover that love doesn't have to be that way. You can show him that it can be fun and light and beautiful. You just have to be strong. For him. For both of you.”
Be strong for him or my lord will not survive, the memory of the Hawk Soul's voice whispered through my head, pushing away Brendallen's.
“Fuck, Rae. I don't know if my ass can take it.”
Rae barked out a laugh. “It can. You're immortal now, remember?”
I rubbed at my chest where a piece of Dalsharan's soul had taken root. “Yeah, I remember.”
“And yes, he's a part of you now. Feel him through it. Reach for him. You'll see that I'm right.”
“Okay,” I said. “Okay. But how do I go back now? What would I even say?”
“Don't go back.” He grinned at me and stood up. “I'm gonna take a stroll through camp and when I just so happen to pass by Dal, I'll mention that I saw you here. We'll make that idiot come to you.”
I grinned. “I like the sound of that.”
“Try to look angry and really sad. Like stub your toe or something to make yourself cry.”
“Fuck you, Rae!” I pushed him away as I laughed.