“You have a month. Bring home a man and make him a good one.”
If I brought Sebastian home with me, the clan of lynxes would ensure he’d never bother me again. He’d also roar at least once before they took him down. He’d go down while I purred, and I saw zero problems with killing multiple birds with one stone. “What kind of man?”
As long as she said lycanthrope or listed any decent qualification, I could probably jury rig it so Sebastian fit the bill.
“One you hope to keep around, of course. What else use do you have for a man? If you can’t take him to bed, what would you do with one? All they do is complain, complain, complain.” My mother aimed a kick at Uncle Henry’s ribs, and he dove out of her reach. After a brief scuffle, he hid behind my legs. “I’ve never heard worse whining in my life before today, Harri.”
Well, Sebastian might be useful in bed; he turned heads, and half the reason I enjoyed poking him with a stick involved sticking around to admire him while goading him. Roaring brought out his best attributes, and I bet any witnessing ladies would thank me if they learned I annoyed him on purpose. “Is that why I’m allowed to shake everybody down for their lunch money? Because honestly? I was expecting to be greeted at the door with an edict to pick my switch.”
“You’re too pretty to switch,” my mother replied.
My poor mother already suffered from pregnancy brain. Still, I could con the annoying lion into cooperating with me. All it would take was challenging his masculinity and courage to get him roaring and dancing to my tune. Making the inquiry would likely trip his trigger. How many times could I make the lion roar? Some games needed to be played, and I’d have a great time. “I will attempt to bring home a man, but I make no promises that my attempt will be successful. But I will make one genuine attempt to bring home a man while I am on vacation, presuming you keep all of the whining, infected males in your turf and away from my spa.”
“Your brothers, father, and uncles will be thoroughly educated should they come within ten blocks of your spa.”
“Five miles,” I countered, which would cover the entirety of planned hunting grounds in Cincinnati.
“Very well. Five miles. Hear that, you wretches? You go within five miles of your sister’s spa, and there’ll be hell to pay. Now, get out your wallets and pay her off, and stop your damned whining already. Harri, darling, I’ve fried chicken in the kitchen for you for your drive, and so help me, if any of those monsters stole any of yours, they’ll live to regret it.”
“I’ve been guarding her chicken, Ma,” either Hugh or Harvey replied from the kitchen.
Damn them both, sounding, acting, and looking identical.
“Thank you, Momma.”
“I figured you could use a good meal, and that brother-in-law of mine was easy prey today. I told him if he was going to frame one of your little brothers to buy you a present, he’d butter you up with some proper fried chicken. Then I made him get enough to feed everybody.”
“Did you clean the butcher out of chicken, Uncle Henry?”
“I put in the order, and he laughed at me, and told me I may as well clean him out, as he’d only have four birds and some parts left over, so I did just that. It shouldn’t surprise me how fast so many cats can clean out a single butcher. If I’d been smart, I would’ve hit more than one, but I wasn’t. I’m still not sure how our little town keeps so many lycanthropes fed.”
“We pay them to feed us,” my mother replied. “Now, pay the girl so she can hit the road with her chicken. She’s got a lot of driving to do.”
“I promise I’ll clean the truck of any grease, Momma.”
“Got him to give you the keys, did you? Good girl. What’d you have to concede to that old skinflint?”
“He has the keys to my car. I already kissed them goodbye, as for some reason, I don’t think it’s going to survive.”
“Good. It’s past its expiration date. Oh, Henry had something he wanted to talk to you about, so you let him fuss while I get your chicken ready. I made some tenders for you, too, so you can drive while you nibble. And don’t you go trying to eat the rest while you drive, missy. You can pull over and eat your fill like a civilized being.”
“Yes, Momma,” I replied, aware she’d somehow figure out if I’d tried to gnaw on my favorite pieces of chicken while driving. The tenders would do a good job of keeping me amused until my virus demanded a proper feeding.
My mother left, and I nudged Uncle Henry with my toe while my brothers got out their wallets and started gathering my lunch money. “What’s going on?”
“There’s some new activity on the bounty hunter front, and this one’s targeting lycanthropes. The hunter has a pretty far range and has hits all over the United States. The CDC won’t tip me off on the name, gender, or race of the hunter, but this one targets lycanthropes in particular, and the CDC is looking for a handler. I’ve applied to be considered, and word on the wire is there’s a temp until a permanent one is found. I was given a warning due to being infected that I should drop a word to the clan, as this one will go after any lycanthrope guilty of ethics violations.”
Crap. That sounded frighteningly familiar. “Ethics violations?”
“Illegal or forced infections, illegal or coerced matings, violent crimes, and anything that warrants a kill bounty is their typical preference. While I have the code name, I’m not permitted to share it yet. I’ve only been authorized to notify everyone that the CDC has a bounty hunter who specializes in keeping us in line.”
Yep, that definitely sounded familiar. “Momma would beat us if we even thought about breaking one of those rules, anyway. Why the warning?”
“It’s a gentle reminder for the young lady and her brothers, all of whom are going into season this month.”
I sighed. “Damn it, Uncle Henry. I’m not going to violate some man. And anyway, you know what happened the last time a man came sniffing around the house.”
The poor bastard had seen my scarred face, yelped, and ran away.
My brothers growled, a rather noisy affair with so many crammed into the same room.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Harri.”
“I’m going to take your lunch money to pay for the consultation for scar removal.” The stack of twenties my brothers gathered would more than pay for the piddly fee, something they’d been trying to get me to do for years, unaware I had met my surgeon the day I’d escaped the house and moved into my own place over an hour away. “Then I won’t break mirrors or incite crying fits from the new kittens.”
It usually took a few weeks for the kittens to get used to my mangled appearance.
“You’re actually going to go?”
“I may as well find out how much it costs to fix this disaster, and none of your bullshitting today, any of you. It’s a disaster. An in-season wolf saw my face, yelped, and ran away. When a virus-hopped lycanthrope is scared off, it’s bad. I’ve accepted this, so it’s time you all did, too. But I’m going to skim some of the lunch money for actual lunch, and then I’ll find some reputable doctor to tell me the damage. Which, unless there’s some super rich bastard among you all, I probably can’t afford, but at least I’ll know, right? Reminder: I work customer service for a cable company. I am not Mr. Fancy Attorney.”