“He showed me a picture,” he starts to say and then covers his face with his hands. “I… I,” John says. I bite my lip, hating how much pain it causes him when he tries to recall a memory and he reverts. But it’s normal. He has to learn that. He has to accept it.
“When I saw you, all those years ago, I knew I was to protect you. When I looked at your picture. When I knew I was going to take you and face this… this hell in order to be with you. I looked at your picture and I knew I was going to love you.” He nods his head, closing his eyes and I know it hurts, to merge the memories and meld the scene in his head. The medication helps the present, but the past is hard. Nothing’s going to change that.
“I love every part of you, the man who wants to forget and the man who suffered for his father’s sins.” I cup his face in my hand and kiss him on his jaw and then softly on his lips.
He stares back at me with nothing but pain in his eyes.
“I don’t know how you can love me,” he says in a whisper.
“I don’t know how you can think I ever didn’t love you. Even when I ran. I’ve always loved you.” A weak smile forces its way to my face as I struggle to use his name. He doesn’t want me to call him Jay, but he’s always been Jay to me. “My wolf.”
John stares back at me, confused for a moment. Sometimes it’s like this, when he doesn’t quite remember, but then it clicks.
“Wolf,” he huffs a sarcastic laugh and shakes his head. “You don’t need a wolf, little bird. You needed another, someone just like you. You needed Jay.”
I nod my head as my heart splinters. “I need all of you,” I whisper against his lips. I can feel it, the moment Jay comes to the surface, the moment the possessive man inside of him moves his hands to the back of my head and deepens the kiss.
I pull back and look into his eyes whispering, “Jay?”
A small smile tugs his lips up, only just and he says quietly, “You can call me whichever name you’d like.” He rests his forehead against mine and it’s then that I realize our past needs to stay where it belongs. “You can call me Jay if you want. I’ll be anyone for you. I’ll do anything for you. I only exist for you.”
I brush my nose against his, trying to lighten the mood. “Maybe when I’m mad at you I’ll call you Jay,” I tease and try to smile and when he does, my lips turn up easily.
“I love you, John,” I tell him quietly, brushing my fingers against his lips. “And I love Jay, too. Both sides of you.”
“I love you, little bird.” He says the words just like he always has, with a hint of teasing and a touch of darkness.
I lean against him, and he holds me tightly. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re both broken from what happened to us. But the love that’s come from it can’t tear us apart. As long as we stay together.
“Always?” I ask him.
“Always.”
***
John
I can hear the shower running as I stop in front of the shower door. The tips of my fingers tap against the wood. She’s waiting for me, and so many times I think I should leave her. As if I’m undeserving of her and hurting her, keeping her back.
I close my eyes and let out a slow breath. When I inhale, the gentle smell of lavender fills my lungs. It’s what my little bird smells like. And just that little bit makes the memories of holding her come back to me. They flood to me now. The bad ones I try to ignore, but the ones with her, the ones with my little bird, I hold on to them with everything I have.
It’s why I want to let her go. And why I never will.
My eyes pop open wide, the selfishness and depravity making me hate the thought. She’s a grown woman though, and she knows who I am in every sense of the word. As long as she wants me, I’m staying with her.
I push the door open slowly and the steam greets me with warmth and slowly passes behind me.
The anger surprises me sometimes, but more than that, the fear.
My father’s dead and burned to ashes, but the fear is very much alive. I always knew the other side of me was filled with a darkness, but I wouldn’t have thought it was fear.
But that’s what creeps up more than anything. Especially at night.
Until my wife leans against me, giving me much-needed warmth. Until my hand splays across her belly and we both fall easily to sleep.
“I heard something about you always being right,” I tease and then pull the shirt over my head. She peeks out from the shower curtain with a quip on her lips, something smart no doubt, but instead her eyes fall to my chest and the thought is long gone.
A deep groan of satisfaction rumbles up my chest and her eyes reach mine as a blush creeps up her chest and she pulls the curtain back into place to hide behind.
I fucking love it. I love her. And to think, I may have never had her.
The past can ruin a person forever. They may recover, but they’re never the same. Never what they once were. The scar may be thicker than delicate skin. It may protect you from some things and give you a wall to hide behind.
But it’s the gentle things that will cut it open and leave you raw and wounded once again.
Love is gentle and unassuming. It won’t be denied.
My love saved me in so many ways, my little bird.
I could forget the pain and burdens.
I could forget the fear that the monster would return. Or worse, that I would be like him.
I could forget it all and leave it where it belongs, in the past.
But I can’t forget Robin or the genuine love I felt for her. I can’t deny that.
Not when I’m so desperate for her.
Not when she needs me in return.
And not when she’s right here, loving me with everything she has and only wanting the same in return.
My memory destroyed me, but love is so much more.
You can’t forget love, no matter how hard you try.
Epilogue
Robin
Two years later
“Toby!” I call as the dog runs from the porch and out into the field. He looks over his shoulder and halts in his path, but I wave him off. He can run if he wants to.
I sway easily on the porch swing, the chatter from inside muted by the screen door and the faint hum of the water flowing from the creek out back. I love it out here, on this property and in this house that John built.
Two years we’ve been here. Making steady progress. It may not always be perfect, but we’re safe with each other. And John hasn’t forgotten me and he believes what I tell him about our past. He remembers somethings too which makes days hard here and there, but together we’ll pull through. That’s the most important part. The trust and love between us are strong enough to keep us together.
Just as my eyes drift shut, the screen door opens with a long groan. I pop them open quickly, pretending like the exhaustion isn’t getting to me.
“You coming back in?” John asks me. He’s got a smile on his face and I know he loves this. “After all, the celebration is all for you,” he says and his eyes drift to my swollen belly.
“It’s not for me,” I say with my eyes closed as the little one kicks my hip again. My feet slip across the porch floor as I shift on the swing and try to get more comfortable.