“I . . .” She was back to picking at the counter. “I don’t know. We talked about it.”
I couldn’t stop my frown. “At his party, though?”
“I know.” She shrugged, looking to the side and biting her lip. “He’ll be drinking. He’s already drinking, but I don’t know. I want to. I mean, he does too, but I think I’m just ready to stop worrying about it. If it feels right, I want to.”
“Do you love him?”
All the self-consciousness in her vanished at my question. Her head came up. Her shoulders straightened.
“Yes. I love him.”
It was the most confident response I’d ever gotten from her.
“Some people wait for marriage,” I blurted that out—I have no idea why. “You could wait, if you’re one of those people.”
“Are you?” Her mouth turned down.
“No. Ryan and I—we already . . .”
“That’s what I thought.” She lifted her shoulder. “I know why you’re saying this, because I do think like that, but I love him. And I don’t know. I don’t want to get married till I’m in my thirties, and I don’t want to wait that long.”
“Just—”
Shit. What was my problem? I understood what she was saying. But I felt like I had to say this to her—like I had to say to her what Willow would’ve said to me. Cora hadn’t said a word about sex, but Ryan had said Kirk had stocked up on condoms. It wasn’t a big leap for me to go from there.
“Do you regret it? Having sex with Ryan?”
I looked up, but I didn’t see his shadow in the hallway. He might’ve been standing to the side, or he could’ve gone all the way downstairs, but I didn’t lie when I said, “No. I regret not having my sister here, but that’s it.”
She jerked back. “I forgot about your sister.”
My throat burned. “You didn’t know her.”
“But still.” Her gaze lingered on my dress and then moved up to take me in. A wistful look softened her face. “You look really gorgeous, Mackenzie. I can’t imagine your sister being more beautiful than you.”
I—was shocked, and I couldn’t talk for a second.
“And if I do win prom queen, I won’t dance with Ryan. I’ll dance with Kirk, so you don’t have to worry about that.” She darted toward me, hugging me and kissing my cheek. “I’ll be downstairs.” And then she was gone.
I felt Ryan’s presence and without looking, I knew he was in the doorway. “You heard all that?”
“Yeah. Now you don’t have to worry about the king and queen dance.”
I grinned.
He took me in. He looked at my hair, my dress, and lingered on my lips. “She didn’t lie. You look really beautiful, Mac.”
That nickname.
I’d been in his arms just two hours ago, but a whole new wave of want came over me. I yearned to be in his arms again, to be held by him, to be kissed by him. And there was a whole host of other emotions intertwined there. I thought back to Cora’s question, and no. There was no way I could’ve even considered regretting being with Ryan.
We went fast, but I had a feeling we went exactly the way we were supposed to. Either way, he was staring at me as if I were the most stunning creature he’d ever seen, and my entire body filled up with tingles. My knees were melting too, and my stomach flipped over, but in the good way. I had butterflies in there.
“Thank you.”
I wore a shimmering pink dress, one that almost perfectly matched the one I’d seen Willow in. When I saw it at the store, the hairs on my neck had stood on end. Maybe she led me there. I’d been shopping with our mom, and I teared up when I saw it. We bought it immediately, and, like the last night I’d seen her, I put my hair up in a braided crown.
Cora’s color was lilac tonight. I knew Peach was wearing yellow, and Erin was supposed to go silver. Not me.
I was pink. It was the most quintessential girl color there was, and it wasn’t even my most favorite color, but it was Willow’s.
I loved this feeling, seeing how I affected Ryan, but I hadn’t dressed for him. I hadn’t dressed for myself either.
I’d dressed for Willow.
And with everything feeling all sorts of right, Ryan came forward, his hand curving around the back of my neck as he bent to kiss me. His lips were soft against mine, and I closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in his embrace.
And then we went to prom.
More pieces fit together inside me, but I stopped counting. I didn’t need to anymore.
Epilogue
“Mackenzie.”
I walked into Naomi’s office and sat in the same chair I’d been using for the last ten months. I didn’t want to do these sessions. I never even wanted to admit that I was doing them, but there I was. I’d promised six sessions to my parents, and this was my tenth. Go me. Pin a star on my file.
I nodded in greeting, folding my hands over each other in my lap.
Naomi took a second, probably evaluating my posture, and she leaned back in her seat. “What’s going on?”
I knew what she was referring to, but I still played dumb. I didn’t know why. I could’ve gotten a gold star in stall tactics too. “What do you mean?”
She smiled briefly, nodding at me. “You know.”
There was our relationship, right there. She knew I knew. I knew she knew that I knew, and yet I still played the game. And she just called me on it.
I never wanted these sessions, but I’d dropped my wall slowly over the last ten months, even going after I didn’t have to. But today was the day. It would be the day I clued everyone in on what was going on with me, because until then, it’d been another stall tactic of mine.
“Okay.” She let out a sigh, leaning back in her seat. “For real, what is going on with you?”
I never wanted to talk about Willow.
She’d been the reason my parents wanted me to come to these things—because I’d walked in and found her body first. I hadn’t known she was feeling like that. There’d been warning signs, but I didn’t know how to read them. I knew that, but it wasn’t the same for everyone. I knew that too.
I coughed, clearing my throat. “She had mood swings.”
Naomi leaned forward.
“That’s one of the warnings signs, right?” I looked away.
“Yes.” I saw her nodding from the corner of my eye. “You looked up the signs, or are you guessing?”
I didn’t have to guess. “She would go on these tangents, just raging about everything. I thought it was because we were moving.”
“Yeah. I can see why you’d be confused.”
But I wasn’t done. “She withdrew from everyone too.”
“Yeah. You mentioned that one time.”
“She and Duke broke up, but I thought that was because of the move too. Later, Serena told me she’d stopped talking to her too.”
“Serena was Willow’s . . .”
“Best friend,” I supplied. “I didn’t know about that, but Serena told me when they came here a few months ago.”
“Right. You mentioned their visit.”