Nicole takes the glass from my hand and places it on the table. Her eyes are soft, but I know what’s coming. She’s going to lay into me something fierce. “I’ve watched you make mistakes before, and I haven’t said shit. Not this time. I’m telling you right now that if you don’t do this, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel something for him.”
“I don’t know what I feel.”
“Yes, you do. You had a crazy night with him, and it threw you for a loop. I get it. You’re the straight-laced one of us. You don’t do wild, and you don’t take risks. Life has been a series of heartbreaks for you. I know this. We all do, but fuck, Heather, you have to live! There’s no reason that you can’t actually live the life you’ve been given.”
Tears form, and my heart aches. I know she loves me and what she said is all true, but damn it, I hate her for it. I do the best I can, and I don’t know how many times I can be hurt before I finally have enough.
When my sister dies, it’s going to kill me. I’ll have no family left, and I can’t waste any of the little time I have with her. It’s the truth I can’t bring myself to say.
I sure as hell can’t chase the idea of a guy who can essentially wreck my world. It’s stupid, and I won’t make mistakes like that. Not when my sister needs me. Eli is always photographed traveling, partying, and eating at all these expensive restaurants where I couldn’t even afford a salad.
“Jesus, have you and Steph been swapping notes?”
“No, but if she’s saying anything like I am, she’s freaking right.”
“You know why I’m this way.” I wipe the bead that trickles down my cheek.
“I do.” Nicole takes my hand in hers. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but I can’t watch you like this anymore. Your sister doesn’t want you to keep going this way and neither would your parents. It’s okay to take chances and get hurt. It’s okay to have regrets and triumphs, but it isn’t okay to just . . . be.”
“And what if he’s like Matt?”
She smiles. “Then you dump his stupid ass and I’ll feed you ice cream and wine.”
I groan and drop my head against the back of the couch. “I hate when you make sense.”
Nicole laughs. “I bet. It doesn’t happen too often, so don’t worry.”
“I miss when all we worried about was if we’d go to prom with our boyfriends.”
“I always knew that I wouldn’t. Boys are dumb. I was much happier going stag and hanging out with you, Kristin, and Danni.”
Crap. We’re going to have to tell them about this. I’ve avoided their calls because I’m the world’s worst liar. They will see right through whatever crap I try to sell them. “I have to tell them, don’t I?”
“Nah, I’ll tell them we couldn’t meet him.” I let my head fall to the side so I can look at her, and then I pull her against me for a hug. “Keep this to yourself for a while. You need to decide without anyone’s influence.”
“So, what you’re saying is that I should just listen to you?”
“Precisely.”
I laugh silently and let that go. My mind wanders to last night. I can’t help thinking about how normal Eli seemed. He wasn’t pretentious, he ate pizza from the box while we lounged on my ratty, old couch. There were no demands. It was only the two of us. It was comfortable even.
Just like the first time we were around each other.
Maybe I am being crazy and overthinking this. There’s something about him that I can’t stop thinking about. His smile causes butterflies in my stomach. His laugh is music that speaks to my heart. And even though I’ve spent all day trying to convince myself that he’s the last thing I even want to think about, he’s what I’ve spent all day talking about.
I’m screwed.
“What if he never comes back?” I ask Nicole.
“Then he’s a complete idiot. You’re worth chasing.”
People can say what they want about Nicole, but she’s the best person I know. Sure, she drives me nuts, but I love her. She’s been there for me every step of the way, and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
I pass through the metal gates of the only place I feel close to my parents. Once I park, I grab the bouquet of flowers and head to their graves. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, but I haven’t really had a reason to come talk to them.
If I’m completely honest, I’ve been angry for a long time.
Navigating the paths isn’t difficult, and soon, I crouch in front of my parents’ final resting places. “Hi, Mom and Dad.” I start to pull overgrown weeds and wipe away some of the dirt. My fingers trace the cool stone, and I close my eyes, allowing sadness and the smell of fresh cut grass to fill my body.
“I know I haven’t been here in a while, I’m sorry.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “It’s sometimes hard to get here, especially lately.”
After passing out on Nicole’s couch, I woke this morning and drove here. There’s a lot I need to say, and sometimes a girl just needs her mother.
This is one of those times.
“There’s so much that’s happened since I last visited. Matt and I are divorced now, but that’s kind of old news. Let’s see, I’m still partnered with Brody, he’s annoying as all hell, but I can’t imagine working beside anyone else. Stephanie is living in Breezy Beaches full time. It’s hard not having her with me, but it got to be too much. Everything is a mess, Mom. I did something stupid, and now I don’t know what to do.”
I place the flowers on the ground and start to arrange them. “I met this guy, you probably remember my obsession with Four Blocks Down—Eli specifically. Well, we met at his concert the other night, and I . . .” I feel weird telling my mom about our one-night stand. Not that she can respond and tell me about her disappointment, but still. “Anyway, he showed up at the house last night, and we talked for hours. I like him, but it’s so complicated. I’m not special or anything. I’m worried that he’ll break my heart, and I really don’t have much left of it as it is.”
As much I want to talk to her about this, there’s something else that forced me to finally drive here. The confliction I feel isn’t just about Eli, it’s about my whole life. All the things that I can’t control, and I’m tired of spinning.
My fingers trace her name on the cool headstone, reminding me that everything here is dead. “I hope you understand why I’ve stayed away. Seeing your names like this hurts so much sometimes. Hell, pretty much all the time. And soon, Steph will be here with you.” I drop my hand and fight the surge of tears that threaten to fall. “I don’t know how I’ll go on when that happens. I’ve tried so hard to accept this, but I can’t. I’ve done everything I can for her, but she keeps getting sicker, and it’s killing me. I love her so much.” There’s no stopping the tears now. They flow, and I know that I need this. I need my mother to hear me. “I know she isn’t my daughter, but she’s been mine to raise, and she’s going to die. Just like you and Daddy. Just like everyone I love. You all get taken from me.”