"Iris?"
"Oh. No. You… um… you were the first."
"Shit, really?"
I nod. "I was never the type to sleep around."
He laughs. "Ever?" He squeezes my hand.
"Nope." I squeeze back. "Have you ever wanted something serious?"
"A long time ago. When I was a kid. I wanted the love I saw in the movies."
"Really?"
"Yeah. My sister and I used to watch eighties movies. Every weekend. We'd take turns. She'd always pick romances. I'd always pick action. Or sci-fi."
"Star Wars?"
"Of course. Empire Strikes Back is a masterpiece. And she wouldn't complain, because she was gaga for Han and Leia."
"Who isn't?" That's another thing I know. Han and Leia are forever.
He helps me up the steep part of the path. "Was bullshit what happened to them in The Force Awakens."
"Yeah. Fuck that. They're the best part of the movies and then there's one little line about how they're divorced. The movie barely acknowledges their relationship."
He looks me in the eyes. "You fucking with me?"
"No. They're the end game couple. They're the heart of the series. They're everything."
"You—" He slides his arms around my waist and pulls my body into his—"I'm gonna fall in love with you if you say shit like that?"
"Really?"
"It's pretty hot."
I laugh. "Being into Star Wars?"
"Are you really asking me that?" He nods to the path. Leads me under a cropping of trees. "Have you seen my apartment?"
It is heavily decked in Star Wars. "But you have all kinds of Sci-Fi."
"Yeah. And Star Wars is the gateway. You're gonna be debating Kirk vs. Piccard in no time flat."
No. But I… I really do care about Han and Leia. I have that feeling in my chest, the one I used to have all the time.
It matters to me.
Something besides school matters to me.
Fuck. I'm going to be the one falling in love with him if he keeps doing this to me.
That can't happen. He's might as well have heart breaker written on his forehead.
The path veers to the left. Walker heads right. Motions follow me.
We move through a cluster of trees. Then out the other side.
The city comes into view. All of it. Downtown, the Hollywood sign, the cluster of buildings in Century City, the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier, the ocean.
My lips part with a sigh. "It's so…"
"Weird to think of LA as beautiful, huh?"
"Yeah. But it is." It's like a post card. Bright blue sky, big yellow sun, rows of buildings bleeding into the coast. "The world is beautiful." I swallow hard. "Sorry. I sound like a poster."
"It suits you."
I flip him off.
He slides his arms around my waist.
"You do this kinda thing a lot?"
"Depends what you mean by this kinda thing."
"Explore the city?"
"I try to."
"Will you take me?" I press my lips together. I'm asking for too much. I want too much. He's not going to be mine. I can't have him showing me the world. But I want it.
"Yeah." His lips brush my neck. "But I can't be held responsible for my actions if you keep wearing those tight shorts."
I laugh. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-four."
"You're old enough to control yourself."
"Not around you."
My cheeks flush. It's dirty talk, yeah, but there's an earnestness in his voice. He means it.
But does he mean his body?
Or his heart too?
I sink into his touch as I take in the view.
It's gorgeous.
For the first time in forever, my world isn't a bundle of regrets. It's beauty. It's possibility. It's hunger. "It's weird. I never really think of this place as Hollywood. All the stuff in the movies is bullshit."
"And then some."
"But I'm close to it. My dad owns a visual effects company. He loves movies. We used to go every weekend. And then we'd still watch something after dinner."
"What type of thing?"
"Everything. Classics. Foreign films. Popcorn films. I can't tell you how many times he explained that Jaws launched the summer blockbuster."
"It did."
I hold my hands over my ears I can't hear you.
His smile spreads over his cheeks. "Did you like it?"
"Jaws? No. It scarred me for life. I get freaked out in three feet of ocean."
"Really?"
"Shut up. It's embarrassing. Especially when you're all cool, chill surfer boy."
"You can be cool, chill surfer girl. I'll teach you. This weekend."
"Maybe."
"I promise you won't get eaten by sharks."
"Can you really promise that?"
"Yeah. They'll eat me. I'll be the one in the water."
"So I'll have to watch you die?"
"Worst case scenario."
I stare back at him, trying to figure out if he's joking.
He presses his palm to my cheek. "Shit. You're really freaking."
I nod.
His voice gets soft. "There hasn't been a shark attack here in forever. It's safe. But if you're scared—"
"No. I want to." I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of the comfortable numb. I need to actually live my life instead of trying to get through every day for the sake of adding another twenty-four hours of sobriety to my calendar.
"What about movies without sharks?"
"I used to love them."
"And now?"
"Not as much."
"You get old. Lose the magic."
"Maybe."
"You want it back?"
I arch a brow. "Does this involve coming in a movie theater."
"Fuck, that's a good idea." He presses his forehead to mine. "But no."
"Really?"
He nods. "Blade Runner is playing at the Nuart at midnight Friday. Come with me."
"Blade Runner?"
"Don't tell me you haven't heard of it. Iris, it's a classic."
"No." I have. A lot. "I was just thinking that my dad would like you."
"You sure?" He motions to his full sleeve.
"Even so."
"That a good thing?"
"I don't know. He liked Ross. But Ross was an asshole. Just the kind of asshole parents like."
"Nice suit, good job?"
"Exactly."
"Why'd you stay with him so long?"
"Good body."
He laughs. "Really?"
"It didn't hurt." My gaze fixes on the cluster of buildings downtown. "He was charming. And a good time. And it was easy." He got me into drugs, but it's not like it was his fault. I made those decisions. I knew what I was doing. "But, he had a stronger presence. I lost what I liked. What I wanted. That's why I'm doing this self-help thing." Okay, it's only half of the why. But it is true.