"Yeah, thanks."
She hands me the first cup, turns back to the table to pour a second. "What happened with Iris?"
"It's a long story."
She fixes her coffee with half-and-half and sugar. "What's the short version?"
"I thought I didn't care about anything that had happened before. That the past was the past. I told her as much every time she tried to confess. I stopped her."
She nods understandable.
"But I did care."
"Of course."
"Why?" I need to understand this. I need to know how I could have meant those words when they feel like such bullshit now.
"Walker. You saw me almost die. Twice." She takes a long sip. "Of course you're going to be nervous your girlfriend could be in the same place."
"It's more than that."
"What?"
I'm not sure. My coffee doesn't have any answers. But it is good. "I thought I knew her."
"Do you?"
"Yeah." I know the way she giggles when she falls off my surfboard. And how she squeals when I pick her up. And that shy smile when I tease her about Star Wars. But I didn't know this. I didn't have a clue.
Bree leans against the table. "How long were you dating?"
"A few months. But it feels like more. I… I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her."
She makes an aww sound and presses her hand to her heart. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my God. This is my big sister moment. You've never loved a girl."
"Never."
"You haven't even liked a girl since high school."
I nod. I haven't. I haven't considered it since Bree started using.
"But you're… it's bad. Or you wouldn't have that look on your face."
"Was it me not knowing she was an addict that tipped you off?"
She plays with her coffee cup. "I really shouldn't have said that. If she'd told you a few weeks later on her own time…" Bree shakes her head. "That was so fucked-up of me. Unforgivable. The anonymous thing is serious. It's the only way people can really share. And I violated that. I… would it bug you if I apologized to her?"
"No, but I—"
"Shit. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe that would only make it worse." She takes another sip. "Sorry. You, well… what happened?"
"I freaked. She left. We've talked a little since, but… I don't know how I feel."
"Yeah, you do. You just said you love her. Oh my God. This is so romantic. I'm going to have to watch Dirty Dancing when I get home."
I cringe.
"Huh?"
"Don't you think she looks like Jenifer Grey?"
"No. Maybe the nose. But her complexion is all off." She refills her cup. "Don't get me wrong. She's pretty. But I know you care about more than that. Do you care about more than that?"
"Hey."
"Hey what? You're still a guy."
"She's smart. Funny. She’s embarrassed by how nerdy she is. Even when she’s full of nervous energy, she barrels into shit. She goes for it."
Bree's smile widens.
"What?"
"You totally love her."
"I do."
"So? What the hell is the problem?"
"I don't know if I can trust her. I want to…"
"But you told her the past was the past. She didn't betray your trust."
"Yeah." That makes sense. It does. But it doesn't feel right.
"Okay. She should have told you. But this isn't about her. It's about you. Well, and about me. Sorry. I kinda fucked this up for you on both sides." Her laugh is nervous.
"Yeah. But it's still on me."
"Well… can you forgive her?"
"I do."
"Can you trust her one day?"
"I hope so."
She grabs my arm. "No I hope so. You can. I know you can. So stop with the bullshit. If I can get sober, you can trust this girl you're madly in love with."
"Yeah…"
"Oh my God. What's with this sudden mellowness? I know that's your thing, Walker. But don't be an idiot. You love her. You can get to trusting her again. You really think you're going to meet another girl who makes you feel like this?"
I can't help but smile. "You're back to your old self."
"Not quite. But I'm getting there." She takes another sip. "Are you gonna fix this?"
"I don't know."
"You should."
I chuckle. "Have you always been this wise?"
"Only about certain topics." She plays with a strand of dark hair. "I… I really am sorry, Walker. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be such a mess."
"Am I that bad?"
"Depends on the scale." Her voice gets soft. "You're a good brother. And a good guy. I hope you figure it out."
"Me too."
Chapter Forty-Five
Iris
Somehow, I manage to fall asleep.
I manage to get up, eat my breakfast, drink my coffee, go to school, study, work out, read.
Then I do it again.
Every day, it's a little easier to focus. To push Walker from my head.
He's still there, in the corners of my mind, waiting to pounce, to take over, to promise to either tear my heart in half or tape it back together.
I manage to spend most of Saturday studying.
And all of Sunday.
And then routine takes over, and I lose myself in the one thing I know I want.
Well, the thing that isn't him.
Chapter Forty-Six
Iris
I nearly jump into the hallway.
That's it. Research done. Projects done. Last final, done.
I stretch my arms over my head. Force my feet toward the door.
It's a gorgeous June day. The sun is high in the bright, cloudless sky. It bounces off the beige pavement and the silver signs. It bounces off the whites of my sneakers.
He knows today is my last day.
He knows I have to decide.
He knows this is his chance. Our chance.
I… uh… God. I plop on a concrete bench, press my knees together, suck the last drop of water from my bottle.
My cell fails to offer insights. My only text is from my Mom. My only emails are SPAM. My voicemail is empty.
The ball really is in his court this time.
All I can do is wait.
Every part of me goes warm at once.
He's sitting on the front steps. Holding two iced coffees.
He wouldn't bring iced coffees to dump me. Or maybe he would. Maybe those are consolation iced coffees. Maybe he's just that considerate.
My steps are shaky. Are my feet even on the ground? I'm not sure.
Walker pushes himself to his feet. He holds up the plastic glass on his right. "Two percent and extra sugar."
"Thanks." My fingers brush his as I take it. It's like the first time. It wakes up all my nerves. Sends a buzz all the way to my toes. "And the other one?"