I took a deep breath and met Hayes’ eyes for the first time since he’d sat beside me. “We need to talk about the baby. I’m taking from your reaction in the hospital that I hadn’t already told you. I’m sorry. I don’t know if I knew and just hadn’t done it yet, or if I didn’t know —”
His hand covered mine, where it was choking the life out of a stuffed llama. “It’s okay.”
“What are we going to do?” For a moment there was complete silence. He searched my eyes, for the joke, maybe? It felt like a joke, all of this. “I know it’s unexpected,” I hastened to add. “It’s okay if it’s not what you signed on for. If it’s yours, I mean, I’m assuming it’s yours. Haven’t had any other guys showing up, so —”
Hayes’ hand covered my mouth, and when I looked at him in surprise, I saw a smile lurking at the corners of his mouth. “Birdie, I love you. I know you don’t know that the way you did once...like you knew the sun was going to rise every morning. But it’s just facts. I love you, and I’ll love that baby. And damn straight it’s mine.” There was a proprietary tone in his voice as his gaze dropped to my belly. “You tell me how old it is, and I could probably tell you exactly when it was conceived.”
I felt my cheeks heat. “Er...approximately six weeks according to Dr. Chen. I have a doctor’s appointment Friday to get everything checked out.”
“Will they tell us the sex?”
Us? “Not this early.”
“Oh.” He looked disappointed, which made me smile.
“Do you want to know?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, I’m fine either way, obviously, but for planning purposes it would be nice to know. And also, so we’re not calling it ‘it.’”
“I must concur.”
Hayes made a sound low in his throat. “You used to say that a lot.”
“I must concur?”
The corner of his mouth quirked upward. “You had this whole repertoire of things you’d say when the response was obvious, or you weren’t sure how to respond. ‘I must concur’ was one.”
I found myself smiling. “What else?”
“Let’s see.” He tipped his head back.
“Your wig’s a little loose. Gonna get flat. That dog won’t hunt.”
I snorted. “What in the world was wrong with me?”
His gaze landed on me, open and assessing. “Not a thing.”
I cleared my throat. “You’re taking this awfully well. I’m freaking out a little, not going to lie.”
“It’s fast. It’s scary, sure. But I’m not disappointed. We weren’t always careful. You and birth control hormones did not mix well, and we tended to get a little carried away every now and then. If I had to guess I’d say this was the result of the Logan Hall bathroom break at the faculty Halloween party. You were a particularly sexy Princess Leia.” I gaped at him and he snickered before growing serious once more. “We talked about having kids one day. This is just speeding things up a tad.”
I pressed my hands to my cheeks, which were still warm. “I guess it’s easier for you. You know we had those conversations. You remember them. I just feel…God, this is going to sound awful.”
Hayes pulled one hand from my face and crossed his fingers through mine. “You’re entitled to your feelings,” he said.
“Even when they’re awful? I feel like this is just one more thing taken from me. I don’t remember you proposing to me.” I waved my left hand at him, the ring finger conspicuously bare. “I don’t know where my ring is. You did give me a ring, right?”
“I absolutely gave you a ring. My grandmother’s.” His jaw tightened. “Maybe you took it off at the house. I’ll look for it.”
“That would be nice. Maybe it’ll help something come back to me. I don’t remember choosing my major or moving away from home. I don’t remember losing my fucking virginity, but I remember being a virgin. I’m trying to be positive, but this is messed up.” Tears brimmed in my eyes and I swiped at them. “And I have to be the most horrible person in the world to feel like that.”
Hayes rubbed the back of his neck, a move I was beginning to recognize as his go-to when he was uncomfortable. “Look…I’m not going to pretend to know how you’re feeling, so I’m not even going to go there, except to tell you to stop feeling guilty. Let’s not stress over details just yet or make big decisions. Tell me when your appointment is so I can be there, and until then, let’s just be us.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…let’s go out for a little while. Have a bite to eat or something. Get to know each other again.” Unspoken was the get to know me again, but I heard it, nonetheless.
I found myself nodding. “Okay.” I glanced down at the sweats I was wearing self-consciously. “Tell me what to wear? I don’t know what you…we…liked to do.”
“Jeans are good, and comfortable shoes. Nothing fancy.”
I smiled at him, one of the first easy smiles I’d given since coming home from the hospital. “Okay, then. I’ll meet you downstairs in a few minutes.”
Hayes studied me for a beat longer before rising, still holding my hand. He turned it palm up and brought it to his mouth, pressing a chaste kiss to its center. “I’ll be the one waiting anxiously at the bottom of the staircase,” he teased, and then left.
│Hayes
MY MIND WAS TROUBLED AS I WAITED DOWNSTAIRS FOR BIRDIE.
Everything she’d unloaded was eye-opening. I knew it hadn’t been easy for her — hell, it hadn’t been easy for anyone, but this was the first time she’d really talked about everything she was feeling. And for the first time, I felt real fear that I wouldn’t be able to bring us back around. In comparison to her memory loss, the misunderstanding in my office seemed trivial.
And yet I’d lied about her ring. Guilt settled, troubling and heavy, in my gut, and I tried to convince myself of the necessity for the lie. I couldn’t destroy any chance of gaining her confidence before we’d even begun.
I was surprised that she’d agreed to go out with me. I’d hoped that she might be willing to spend some time with me, but she’d been so skittish in the hospital I hadn’t expected her to do so today.
I guessed if you were having someone’s baby, though, you might want to get to know that person.
I huffed out a disbelieving breath as I sat on Eileen Grant’s floral chintz sofa. A baby. We’d made a fucking baby. I’d played it cool when I’d heard the doctor’s revelation, but equal parts exultation and panic had been warring within me ever since. I rubbed the bristle on my jaw I hadn’t bothered to shave earlier, glad Birdie had brought it up. At least she recognized this wasn’t something she could ignore or wish away.
Apparently, our baby was a fucking warrior, because she…or he — didn’t matter either way — had emerged from that horrific tangle of metal and tree unscathed.
My forehead wrinkled. At least, I assumed the baby was fine. They’d have done one of those ultrasound things in the hospital, right? I forced myself to breathe in deeply and slowly exhale. I wasn’t completely certain how all this stuff worked, but I was pretty sure Birdie would have miscarried by now if anything was wrong. And we’d be able to get all of those questions answered in just a few days, at Birdie’s upcoming doctor’s appointment that I had every intention of being present for.