I frowned because that didn’t sound like fun. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. In truth, I was angry with them for a variety of reasons and all of them had to do with their response—or lack of one—to my cancer.
I didn’t want to let myself down by making stupid decisions that could harm me or someone else.
Reece put a warm hand over mine on the gearshift, his voice gentle when he said, “I’ll watch out for you. I want you to have fun, get into just enough trouble to taste life, not end up dead in a gutter somewhere.”
“Okay,” I agreed, as if I wasn’t terrified.
“Okay,” he repeated.
The bass pulsed like a musical heart beat beneath my bare feet as I stomped them to the rhythm of the Kygo song that blasted through the massive speakers set up throughout the main level of the house. There was a red Solo cup in my hand filled with warm beer Reece had tapped from a massive keg of Blue Buck in the corner and the contents sloshed over my fingers as I tossed my sweaty hair back and forth over my exposed shoulders. I’d already had a few cups of beer as well as two shots of vodka that Lila, Hudson and Reece had poured for me to start the evening off.
Reece was right, I liked Lila and she liked me.
She was three years older than us and back from UBC for summer break. I’d never met such a graceful, willowy woman but her classic beauty and the good humor in her huge hazel eyes enthralled me. She had me laughing before I could remember to be awkward and when she had offered me clothes, she’d only laughed a little bit at the absurd fit of the jean skirt and crop top I’d tried on. Lila was maybe five foot four and one hundred and ten pounds soaking wet. I was five foot nine and curvy.
After we’d both had a good laugh, we’d improvised. Now, I wore the fragile camisole that I’d been wearing under my shift and a stretchy black skirt that on Lila went to just below her knees but on me came up to mid-thigh. I wasn’t wearing shoes because my sensible, low heels were not party shoes. Lila had done my makeup, taking the time to teach me how so that I could do it in the future.
I didn’t know when I’d have the opportunity to wear red lipstick ever again but it looked pretty cool with all the blond hair I had, mussed with a bit of styling goop that smelled like coconuts. When I’d come downstairs to join Reece and his friend Hudson in the kitchen both of their mouths had fallen open like the hinges broke.
When the rest of Entrance Bay Acad—and it really seemed like the entire school minus my squad of preppy kids was there—showed up, they had similar reactions to my presence. Shock, awe and finally, laughter. Apparently, it was amusing to see Little Miss Goody Two-Shoes dressed like a teenage tramp, drinking warm beer and grinding up against the masses. I wasn’t insulted because sometimes I was so saccharine that it made even my teeth ache and because it was pretty funny and became funnier as the night grew long and I grew drunk.
The sun had set a long time ago but the air was still warm so a bunch of us were hanging in Hudson and Lila’s backyard. Reece, true to his word, hadn’t left my side all night and he made sure we always had booze. He was super handsome and actually pretty fun, always telling jokes and sharing stories so as the night wore on and he grew closer, a hand on my shoulder then an arm around my waist with his fingers settling intimately over my hip, I didn’t protest.
For the first time ever, I was having fun.
He brushed my hair over one shoulder and leaned into my neck, his breath hot on my exposed skin as he whispered, “Want to go inside, find a little quiet?”
I wasn’t really surprised by his question. I wasn’t totally naive.
Part of me didn’t want to go with him. I liked Reece but in the easy way of friends and partners-in-crime. I didn’t think I wanted his tongue in my mouth, let alone his hand down my pants. But I told myself I was being snobby and a little unreasonable. I’d never had a tongue in my mouth or a hand down my pants, so how could I know that I wouldn’t like his?
The answer was, I couldn’t.
I’d loved one person in my life thus far and I’d only ever seen him twice. What was I going to do? Cling to the idea of my childhood prison pen pal for the rest of my life? Pine after someone who didn’t want me and, I was fairly sure, wouldn’t be good for me even if he did?
No. Absolutely not.
So, reaching my drunken conclusion, I answered him by grabbing his hand and tugging him inside.
I saw Lila watching with a concerned frown and even Hudson looked a little wary, but I smiled sloppily at them in reassurance as Reece took the lead, ushering me inside and up the stairs to an empty bedroom.
As soon as the door was closed, he was on me.
The tongue that I’d been curious about was in my mouth and it tasted like yeast and hops. It was warm and slick, ickier than I’d expected as it thrust between my lips and ran over my teeth.
His hands though, I liked. One pressed between my shoulders so that I was tight against him and the other trailed down my back so that he cupped my butt. It felt good to have his large, hot hands on me. Even better to feel his response to my body in the groan that worked its way into my mouth from his. I could definitely get used to a man’s hands on me.
Slut, the conservative Louise cried.
The new me, an entirely new person without a name or family, without a care in the entire world but for what pleased her in that very moment, grinned at the name calling and kissed Reece back.
He had me pressed to the bed, his long body on mine and his hands under my shirt, palming and squeezing both of my breasts with unabashed fervor when the nausea hit me smack in the middle of my gut.
“Oh, no,” I mumbled against Reece’s lips.
He hesitated, pulling away slightly to ask, “You okay, sweetheart?”
I was scrambling away from him before he had even finished speaking but I only made it to the edge of the bed before I was throwing up.
“Shit,” I heard him curse over the sounds of my ceaseless vomiting.
I was mortified but so sick that my entire body ached with it. Belatedly, I realized that drinking was a terrible idea. Even though I’d just been diagnosed and hadn’t started any treatment yet, my body was worn down and I’d never been intoxicated before.
On the heels of my embarrassment, self-loathing came snapping.
“Idiot,” I managed to breathe between heaves.
“Okay, wait right here. I’m going to get Lila,” Reece said.
I groaned and he must have taken it as confirmation because he ducked out the door.
A minute or two later, I was puked out.
I lay there panting for what felt like ages but must have been only a few minutes because Reece didn’t return. My stomach had settled but I was still drunk as a skunk and probably just as stinky so I decided to head back outside to get some fresh air. My legs were surprisingly steady as they carried me down the crowded stairwell, past my peers who smiled and called to me with caution, maybe worried that I was a tattle-tale or that I was just a good girl playing bad. I ignored them, pushing through the front door and gulping in deep lungfuls of clean air.
There was nothing like the air on the coast of British Columbia. I’d been on a lot of family vacations across the globe and there was nothing as sweet as the air I breathed in after getting off the plane when I was back home.