I haven’t seen my parents in three days and Nanny only brings Bea sometimes because she’s too little to see me all sick. I’m really lonely and I know you are in prison but if you could get maybe a Christmas break or something, could you come visit me? It’s really sad in the hospital but I think you could make me smile, maybe.
xoxo,
Little Loulou M. Lafayette
P.S. I’m happy you don’t like lollipops so now I don’t have to share. Betsy told me that in prison you don’t get a lot of stuff. What do you miss most? Maybe I can send it to you!
Little Loulou,
Listen to me now. You don’t need your parents. They ain’t there, good feckin’ riddance, yeah? They’re too busy to sit with a girl like you, sweet and kind even sick as a dog? Gotta say it, Lou, they don’t sound like good parents. Now, on top of everythin’ else you got goin’, that straight up sucks. Good news is, you got Nanny, Bea, and Betsy over there in your corner. You need to cry, you go to one of them and you tell ’em to get you a damn cherry lollipop or you get ’em to give you a hug. And I might be stuck in prison, little warrior, but you still got me, your guardian monster, keepin’ an eye on you from hell on earth. You feel sad, you write me one of your letters or make me a pretty picture, yeah?
Don’t miss nothin’ so much as I miss my kids. I told you before, I got a son who’s just two years older than you and a daughter round about your age. King and Harleigh Rose. They’re stayin’ with their mum and you know how your parents suck? King and H.R.’s mum sucks even worse. She’s not a nice lady and she’s a feckin’ crap parent so I get worried about them. Worried about them, worried about you… a guardian monster can only do so much from prison.
Stay strong, little warrior.
Z.
Betcha look pretty even without all that golden hair. You’re too young to get this, maybe, but sometimes a person’s got a soul so pretty it makes ’em glow prettier than anythin’ else. You got that kid, trust me. About the cold head, I asked Betsy to get you one of those knit cap things from my garage. Wear it inside out, yeah? Don’t need your dad crawlin’ up my butt about writin’ you.
2009-2010
Zeus is 28. Louise is 9.
Dear Mr. Z,
Merry Christmas! I don’t know if Santa comes to prison, so I got Betsy to send you a present. It’s not really big or anything because I don’t have a job yet. When I grow up and become a famous ballerina, I can buy you something even better. Betsy and I looked up what I was allowed to send you in jail and it’s not really a lot…Do you like it? I spent my whole entire allowance on it and Betsy took me IN DISGUISE to the biker shop to get it. It was super fun. I wore the toque you gave me but not inside out, so people could see Hephaestus Auto on it. Betsy gave me sunglasses too! I looked just like a biker girl. One of the ladies in the shop even asked me if my daddy was a biker just like you! Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her that you are my guardian monster, but I did lie and tell her yes. Lying is a sin so I had to go to the hospital chapel and pray for forgiveness, but it was worth it.
Anyways, did you know it’s my birthday in one week? The nurses are going to bring me a cake because I have to go in to get my medicine that day. I hope it’s chocolate! I CAN’T WAIT to be 9 years old! I asked Mummy and Daddy for tickets to the Nutcracker ballet in Vancouver but they say I might be too sick to go. I hope not. I tried to tell them that I’m feeling better and I am. I think the chemo thing is working!
I don’t want you to send me anything like last year. It was too big. I looked it up on the internet and when you work in prison you don’t make really any money so I don’t want you to waste it on me. Maybe you can buy King that dirt bike he wants! And then for my present you can send me a picture of him riding it. I think that would be really cool.
xoxo,
Little Loulou Lafayette
Lou,
Don’t care if you’re mad. Betsy told me your feckin’ parents didn’t get you those tickets, so I did. You accept the present graciously, like the little lady-in-trainin’ that you are, and you get Nanny or Betsy to take you to the ballet, yeah?
I didn’t get presents from Santa but in my experience, Lou, Santa doesn’t have much to do with adults so enjoy ’em while it lasts. Did get a visit from my kids though. Their mum brought ’em in, dressed in dirty clothes with their hair all tangled. Feckin’ killed me to see ’em like that. Killed me more to hold my little girl in my arms and breathe in her scent. She smells like flowers. Don’t know how, given her mum probably washes her in cheap crap but she still smells like a meadow. Not gonna lie to you, Lou—not that I ever would—but I felt that shit in my chest. Miss the way my daughter smells and holdin’ her in my arms.
You don’t get much love and comfort in this hell on earth, Lou. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Grateful for the magazine subscription, don’t like you spendin’ your money on some old man in prison but gotta say I missed readin’ about bikes.
Z.
2010-2011
Zeus is 29. Louise is 10.
Dear Mr. Z,
The doctors told Nanny today that the medicine is working, and it looks like I am going into remission… it means that I won’t be sick anymore.
I cried. I know you don’t like it when I cry alone but this time, it was good. I hugged my pillow and I cried so much my eyes were swollen nearly shut. But it felt really good. Can you believe it, Z? In a little while, I will be healthy again. I can go to the playground and swing on the monkey bars with the other kids. I can have sleepovers! I don’t really have any friends yet who would ask me, but now I can make some! I can even take dance lessons again. Not right away or anything because I still get really tired and dizzy, but the doctor said I could start again in six months or something. How cool is that? Mummy cried when she came to visit, and she told me Daddy was really happy. My sickness kind of embarrasses him and he’s running for mayor, you know, so now I can stand with him on stage.
My hair will grow back. I think it is probably vain to miss it so much, but I do. And when it grows back in, I am never, EVER going to cut it again. It’s going to be long like Rapunzel’s and no one will ever be able to tell that I was bald once.
It was a really happy day and I wish you could have been here, so I could tell you in person. Thank you for being my guardian monster and making me healthy again.
xoxo,
Little Loulou Lafayette
Loulou,
Fuck, are you old enough now for me to curse when I write you? Because this is cause for some serious cursin’ and I mean that in a shout-at-the-top-of-your-lungs kinda way like FUCK YEAH! So fuckin’ stoked, kid. I shouted for joy in my cell, I kid you not. My cellmate, Dixon, asked me if I’d won the lottery. Feels like it, Lou, it feels like I won the lottery knowin’ that you’re gonna get well and soon. I didn’t have anythin’ to do with gettin’ you better though. You did that all on your own, little warrior, and I am so proud of you. Never met a stronger lady and you’re only ten years old. I can’t wait to see what kinda woman you grow into now that you got the chance to do it.