“No,” she said.
“You won’t tell me?”
“We must stop this.”
“Or do you say that you care nothing for me and do not wish to be my wife?” He actually looked anxious. “Can you say so?”
“I don’t…” She tried to force out the words. But she couldn’t lie to him. Of course she cared. She loved him. Couldn’t he see that this was the reason she must refuse? He didn’t really want to be notorious. He wasn’t that sort of person. He was upright and sociable, the soul of honor. He would see that she was right when he had time to think.
“Teresa, do you say you do not care for me?” His face showed that he was growing hopeful. He reached for her hand.
She pulled it away. “Too much to let you do this.”
“Me again. What of you? Would you throw away the chance at happiness? I don’t wish to brag, but I have a good deal to offer.”
Only everything, Teresa thought. And she had nothing to give him but trouble. But she wanted him so much. If they could avoid the censorious gaze of society… “I would be your mistress,” she said.
“What?”
“You could visit me here.” Some of the neighbors would frown, but many in this part of London would not care. She would not, of course, take any of his money. “We could have…”
“You want me to behave like the man in Spain who treated you so shabbily?” He was scowling at her.
“This is nothing like that.”
“Is it not? I can’t see a great deal of difference.” She realized that he was furious. “You think I am such a man, that I would put you in that position?”
“We could be together without causing a great scandal.”
“Because I am a nobleman, and I can have a mistress, and no one will care.”
His eyes burned into hers. He looked magnificent. She wanted him as she had never wanted anything else in her life.
“Haven’t you shown me the inequities of this? Haven’t we worked together to combat some of the unfairness?”
She couldn’t deny it. Yet this remained the way of the world. “I will not be the instrument of your ruin.”
“But I am to be yours?”
“I’m already ruined.”
“Will you stop saying this? The past is irrelevant!”
“You may believe that is true,” said Teresa. “But you have no idea what disgrace really means.”
He seemed to struggle with his temper. She thought perhaps he lost, because he sprang up, clapped his hat on his head and stalked out. Teresa realized that she’d been holding her breath. She released it. In relief, she told herself. Not despair.
Eliza came out of the kitchen. She stood before Teresa, frowning.
Of course she had managed to overhear. Parts of the conversation at least. It was inevitable in this tiny house, even if she hadn’t tried. Which she had. “Yes, Eliza?”
“I don’t understand,” said the maid. “Mebbe I didn’t catch it all… Did you really say no to marrying Lord Macklin, ma’am?”
Teresa could only manage a nod.
“But he’s an earl!” Her maid looked bewildered. “You’d be a grand lady and have gowns and carriages and anything you wanted. A big house. More than one, I expect. Would you take me along if you go? I can be a proper housemaid. I promise I can!”
“I’m not going anywhere, Eliza.”
She clearly could not comprehend this decision. “There’d be a load of others above me, I know,” said the girl. “But that doesn’t matter. I can learn. I’d like to.”
“We are not going anywhere,” Teresa repeated. “I said no. The matter is closed.”
Eliza stared at her as if she had well and truly lost her mind.
Teresa went up to her room to wrestle with the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She would not cry! But of course she did.
* * *
Arthur walked. He was unaware of where he was walking for quite some time as he struggled with anger and disappointment and outrage. He was still arguing with the señora in his mind.
No.
Teresa, he was going to think of her as Teresa from now on, he decided. She couldn’t prevent that! At least it was a real name. Wasn’t it? He didn’t even know that for sure. He ground his teeth.
He went over the visit, wondering what he could have done or said to change the outcome. Nothing! She’d been blindly stubborn and unfair. She hadn’t really listened to him. She just refused and refused until she decided to insult him by classing him with that blackguard who’d mistreated her. By God, he was nothing like that wretched man! How could she imagine… She’d practically offered him a slip on the shoulder!
A harsh laugh escaped him. There could be no other woman like her in the world. He loved everything about her—except her ridiculous reasons for refusing to marry him. She thought they were telling, yes. He saw that. But he did not agree.
Arthur looked around and found that he’d reached familiar precincts. He was not too far from home. He turned toward it.
An acquaintance passed and greeted him with a nod and a touch to his hat brim. Arthur strove for his habitual calm as he returned the salutation. And in that commonplace moment, it occurred to him that Teresa must care a great deal for him. She would never have offered to return to the position she’d hated in Spain, of her own free will, for anything less than…love?
The relief that coursed through him then nearly tripped him up. She loved him! She wanted him so much she was willing to offer this! Rather than plodding along the pavement, he suddenly felt as if he was floating.
Then he came back down to Earth. If she truly loved him, why not just marry him? Couldn’t she see… But she couldn’t. Arthur stood still as things she’d told him, reactions he’d observed, a whole panoply that made up her point of view came together in his mind. It was like turning from a panoramic view and finding a chasm inches from one’s toes.
This fear she had of ruining him was ground into her soul. She’d been a sheltered girl, reeling from the murders of her family, when that thrice-damned blackguard had taken her. He’d played on her grief and terror, made her plight seem worse than it was perhaps. Yet it was true that there was no human creature more easily disgraced than an unprotected young lady, as society saw things. The strictures that hemmed them round!
But he was a mature man with a prominent position in the world, and a peer to boot. It was not fair, but he was not nearly so easy to ruin. Nearly impossible in fact. What could the gossips do to him? They might titter and whisper, but he would still be among them. His life would be comfortable and effective even with a scandalous wife. And if people tried to snub her, he would make them sorry. He’d enjoy it! Arthur imagined crushing the pretentions of anyone who offered to snub Teresa. If one had position and power one could…