Only to find Ash sitting on the side of my bed, his hand curled around my shoulder, trying to wake me up.
“What are you doing in my room?” I scoot away from him and his hand falls from my shoulder. I try my best to breathe evenly to calm my racing heart, but it’s so difficult when he’s right there, especially after my shitty dream.
I don’t want him in my room, on my bed. I’m still mad at him.
Yet my skin prickles with awareness when he touches the side of my face, his roughened fingertips skimming my cheek. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “So damn sorry, Autumn. I didn’t mean to fuck this up.”
That is the first time I’ve ever heard him say those words, and I hate this, but I don’t know if I can believe him. “You’re sorry for what?” I ask warily.
For lying to me?
For being mean to me?
For kissing me?
For fingering me?
There are all sorts of things he could be sorry about.
“For yelling at you earlier. For not understanding where you’re coming from.” He shakes his head, his hand curling into a fist. “I’m fucked up, Callahan. You know this.”
“No you’re not—” I start to say, but he pounds the mattress with his fist, startling me, and I go quiet.
“Yes, I am. I’m a complete piece of shit and you know it.” His breathing is ragged, like he’s just run five miles, and I realize he’s extremely upset. More upset than I thought he was. “I’m not worthy of you, and I know it. You know it too. I don’t know what the fuck you see in me, or why you like me so much. We shouldn’t work together.”
I sit up, pushing my hair away from my face. “You don’t want us to work?”
He stares at me incredulously. Even in the darkness, I can make out his features. And he looks positively tormented. “What the fuck are you saying? Of course I want us to work. I’ve been chasing after you since freshman year.”
My heart pangs at his confession. “I probably overreacted. About you having—sex with Rylie.”
“She doesn’t matter,” he says, his words quick. Fast, fast, like he always is. “She’s never mattered. I only got with her because I didn’t think I could ever be with you. I waited, you know.”
“Waited for what?”
“Waited for you. I knew you and Ben broke up at the beginning of the summer. That you broke up with him. I thought you’d come to me eventually. But you never did. You kept doing you, and I kept doing me, and I thought, well, she’s free, and I’m free, and she knows where I’m at. But you never came for me. And then Rylie started sniffing around right when school started, and I was like, fuck it. I’ll get with her. She was a distraction.” He pauses, sending me a rueful smile. “A part of me wanted to make you jealous.”
“It worked,” I say without hesitation. I’m still a little upset, but it doesn’t pay to lie. I’ve learned that. “Kaya and Daphne told me you two were together, and I was devastated.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“Why didn’t you talk to me?” I throw back at him.
“You’re the one who always pushed me away. You’re the one who always told me no.” He shakes his head. “I thought it was your turn to come to me.”
“I can’t read your mind, Ash,” I tell him, my voice dry.
“Too bad. Well, wait a minute. Maybe that’s a good thing. Then you won’t know about all the dirty things I want to do to you right now.” He grins, his teeth shining white in the semi-darkness, and I smack him lightly, realizing too late my hand makes contact with the bare skin of his chest.
He grabs hold of my wrist before I can remove my hand, pressing my palm against the center of his chest. “You feel that?”
His heart is pounding rapidly, like he just ran across a football field at hyper speed. “Yes,” I say softly.
“That’s all for you. My heart only beats for you, Autumn.” He brings my hand to his mouth and presses a soft kiss upon my skin. “No one else. You own it. You own me.”
I melt at his words, at the touch his lips on my hand. He loosens his hold on my wrist and I cup his cheek, leaning in so I can press my mouth to his, and then we’re kissing.
This is a mistake.
The words pound through my mind as I open my mouth to Ash, my tongue darting out to meet his. He’s still just in those loose sweatpants, and I’m only in a tank top and a pair of panties. The moment our bodies brush against each other, it’s electric, sparks crackling between us, and I eagerly reach for him, my hands sliding down his back, fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his sweats to find him bare-assed beneath.
How can it be a mistake when it feels so good? When we know just how to touch each other? Maybe it’s not a mistake. Maybe this can work after all.
Ash groans against my lips, and within seconds I’m lying in the middle of my bed, his hips nestled between my legs, his entire body aligned with mine, our lips locked, tongues tangling. His hands slip beneath my tank and I help him get rid of it. I shove at his sweatpants and he kicks them off. His fingers slip beneath the front of my panties and then I’m batting his hand away, pushing him away, sitting up so I can catch my breath.
“What’s wrong?” He leans in and drops tiny kisses down my neck, his fingers brushing back and forth across my left nipple, making me tingle.
Making me squirm.
“Stop,” I tell him, my voice firm. “I can’t think.”
His mouth is gone in an instant, his fingers falling away from my breasts. He backs up until he’s standing naked by the side of my bed, and I stare up at him. “You say stop, I’ll stop.” He holds his hands up in front of him like the cops have their guns drawn and he’s about to get arrested.
“I’m guessing you still don’t have a condom,” I say, and he shakes his head.
“We don’t need condoms. Not tonight. Just…let me touch you.” The pleading look on his face is my downfall.
I hold my hand out to him and he takes it, rejoining me on the bed. “Lie back,” he whispers, and I do as I’m told, whimpering when he kisses me, drugs me with his tongue and lips.
It’s too much and it’s not enough, all at once. He moves down my body, kissing me everywhere. My neck, my shoulders, my chest, the skin between my breasts. He cups them, his thumbs rubbing my nipples before he sucks one, then the other in his mouth. I watch him, then close my eyes, embarrassed. Overwhelmed. It’s so weird, to do this, to be so intimate with someone.
Yet it’s not weird at all, not with Ash. It’s like we were meant to do this, and that’s why I couldn’t do it with anyone else. I was saving myself.
For Ash.
He kisses me across my stomach, licking at my bellybutton and making me yelp. He drops a kiss on my left hipbone, and then my right. And then he spreads my legs, his mouth landing on the inside of my thigh, and I almost jump out of my skin.
“Sshh,” he whispers. I didn’t realize I made a noise, but I must’ve. “Be quiet.”
I clamp my lips shut and close my eyes tight, a little moan falling from my lips when he kisses and nibbles my sensitive skin, drawing closer and closer to where I want him. My hand falls on top of his head and I curl my fingers in his thick, soft hair, tugging hard, making him grunt.