“I’m a horrible person,” I tell her morosely, hating how my voices cracks. I feel ready to crack. Like my heart is going to split open and spill out all my misery everywhere, soaking me with it.
She slips her arm around my shoulders again and gives me a shake. “No, you’re not. He was making fun of you, and you lashed out, which is normal. How were you supposed to know his father’s dead? And honestly? That was kind of a good one, trading ash for ass.”
A shocked laugh escapes me and I cover my mouth just like she did, trying to stop myself. “It was mean.”
“But a funny play on words, not that I’m condoning you making fun of someone.” She gives my shoulders another shake. “He’s defensive, and I’m guessing when it comes to him, you are too. Just know, he’s had a tough life, and he puts on a tough persona, but he’s…vulnerable. Losing a parent, especially when you’re so young, is hard. I know what that’s like.”
“Right, because of your mom.” I can’t imagine my mother having anything in common with Ash Davis, but I also know Mom had a rough childhood, not that she’s told me much about it.
“My mom was a drunk who couldn’t keep a job. She did drugs too. Slept around, had lots of boyfriends she’d bring home and try to get us accept as our new dad or whatever. It was—bad. She didn’t care about me, and she didn’t care about your Uncle Owen either.” Mom stares off into space, lost in her memories. She told me she had to take care of her little brother before, but never offered up many details until now. “I had to grow up fast and take care of Owen and our apartment. I had to get a job to help pay the bills, and I barely graduated high school. I’m still not quite sure how I did it.”
“What do you mean, you barely graduated?” I lean away, her arm slipping off my shoulders. I’ve never heard this story before, and I have to admit…
It’s fascinating.
“I was never at school, especially the last couple of years. I missed a lot of class because I was working all the time. I got my diploma, but barely. I didn’t even go to the ceremony; they mailed it to me. My grades were absolutely terrible.” She turns to look at me, really look at me. “School is so important, Autumn. You need to get good grades so you can get into a good college.”
I become defensive at her quick subject change, as I usually do when my parents start talking to me about college. That’s so far away, I don’t know why I have to worry about it now. “My grades are fine.”
“I know.” Mom smiles gently. “Your father and I, we push you all because no one pushed us. At least, not one of our parents pushed us in the right direction. We just want the best for you and your brothers, and your sister.”
Ugh. That reminds me… “Ava won’t stop going through my makeup.”
“I’ll tell her to stop,” Mom promises, amusement tinging her voice, but it never seems to matter. Ava goes through my stuff all the time.
“What should I do about Ash?” I ask, my voice small.
Mom sighs. “Tell him you’re sorry.”
I make a face. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” Her brows rise, and she’s got that total Mom face going on. “It’s pretty simple, Autumn. Just approach him and say you’re sorry for calling him an ass.”
I think about what she said. I think about it for the rest of the night. While I’m doing homework, while I’m FaceTiming Kaya and she’s encouraging me to go after Ben Murray, that she thinks we’d make a cute couple. I laugh and agree, but deep down, I’m still thinking about Ash and what I said to him, and that flash of pain in his eyes when I said it. It was there and gone, not even for a second.
But I saw it. I hurt him. And that made me hurt too.
I don’t understand why.
Five
I’ve never told Asher Davis I was sorry. I couldn’t work up the nerve. It’s been a month since our conversation on the first day of school, and we never spoke about it again. We don’t really talk ever at all, beyond about school stuff.
It’s mid-September, and Ash and I have come to an unspoken truce. After I insulted his dead father, he stopped taunting me. Stopped smirking at me. I guess I should be glad he’s leaving me alone, but I still feel bad about what I said. Was his dad nice, or was he mean? Is that why Ash is so mean to me? Mom said it doesn’t matter how they treated you, we always love our parents.
Lucky for me, I have great parents. I love mine so much, and I know they love me. I have no idea what it’s like for Asher. Dad mentioned that he didn’t have an easy time of it, but I don’t know what that means or what he’s referring to. My father doesn’t talk to me about it, and of course Ash isn’t talking to me, so I don’t know what’s really going on.
Ash keeps his distance, and so do I, and when we work together during lab hours, we’re polite to each other. To the point that it’s downright painful to witness, I’m sure.
But I’m not going to break. And neither is he. I don’t like him. He doesn’t like me. In chemistry, we don’t have a choice, though. We have to work together.
It sucks.
I walk into chemistry class today, my stomach jittery, my mind racing. I didn’t eat much at lunch, because I couldn’t. I know it’s dumb to worry about this kind of stuff, but I’m excited. Nervous. I’m not going to be able to focus in class, so thank God it’s not a lab day.
No way do I want Ash to notice.
The reason I’m a wreck? Homecoming court announcements are happening. Three boys and three girls from each class—with the exception of the seniors, who nominates six boys and six girls—are chosen to be part of the homecoming finalists. During homecoming week, there are themed dress-up days, games at lunch, and the coronation is Wednesday night for the lowerclassmen. The king and queen are crowned at halftime during the football game Friday night, and everyone else who won will be presented as well.
It’s kind of a big deal.
A bunch of my friends have already told me they nominated me, and I can’t help but anticipate our vice principal Mrs. Adney announcing my name near the end of class. I know I shouldn’t assume. I know I should tell myself to calm the hell down, no way is it going to happen, so I don’t get my hopes up only to have them come crashing down. But something is telling me…
It’s going to happen.
I’m so amped up I’m squirming in my chair, and when Ash walks into the room, he sends me a weird look as he settles into his chair beside mine. “You got ants in your pants or what?”
My mouth pops open, I’m so shocked he said something conversational to me beyond “Hey, pass me the test tube.” My throat dries up and I’m somehow rendered speechless, which never happens.
He shakes his head once, tilting it to the side. “Hello? Can you not speak?”
“I’m—uh.” I shrug and look away from him. “I’m anxious.” I close my eyes briefly, silently cursing myself.
Why did I say that?
“About what?” The curiosity in his tone is unmistakable.
I shrug, still keeping my head averted. “Nothing.” No way can I tell him. He’ll just make fun of me.