But now I feel like something’s always been missing.
That spark.
A profound connection.
Fun.
I feel like I’m a different person and Mandy hasn’t changed at all. I’m evolving, and she’s stagnant. I’m picking apart all the things that make us different, all of our flaws and missing parts. I care about Mandy, absolutely, but do I love her?
Have I ever?
Maybe… maybe, but it’s always been a shallow kind of love. Comfortable. Surface deep.
We have no scars, no battle wounds. We haven’t been to Hell and back, or clung to each other in the shadows, crying, shaking, expelling the dirtiest pieces of our soul together.
Is that what I want?
Fuck. I throw my legs over the side of the bed, feeling mixed up and shaken. I bury my face into my hands, flinching when Mandy places her fingertips against the small of my back.
“Think about what you really want, Dean. I’m not going anywhere.” She rubs my back in soft and steady motions, up and down, back and forth. “I have a bridal party coming into the salon for updos in an hour, so I’ll drop you off at home on the way. Feel free to take a shower or eat or something. I’m going to get dressed.”
I feel the mattress lift up as she stands, her footsteps making their way out of the room, the door shutting gently behind her. I tent my fingers and stare at the wall.
What the fuck do I want?
I’m sitting in front of the television that evening, keeping my eyes away from the kitchen where a brand new bottle of vodka beckons me from the top of the refrigerator. I’m torn between throwing it over my balcony into the wetlands and polishing off the whole damn thing, just so I can go numb and pass the fuck out.
Or die.
I’d probably die, and it’s concerning how unaffected I am by that prospect.
Maybe Mandy was right about the medication thing.
I’m still deciding what to do when I hear my phone buzzing beside me on the little wooden table. I reach for it, surprised to see Cora’s name attached to a long string of text messages coming through.
Cora: I’m sorry about what I said.
Cora: I think.
Cora: The truth is I had a few glasses of wine so now I’m a little loopy and confused and normally we would be talking on the phone right now but we’re not because I told you to leave me alone and I kind of regret that.
Cora: Don’t judge me for that awful run on sentence. My eyes are bleeding just looking at it. Please delete it.
Cora: Anyway, I’m going to try and sleep. I don’t hate you. I know I said you’re holding me underwater but you’re the only thing keeping me afloat.
Cora: Goodnight.
Cora: Delete that run on sentence please.
I find myself smiling down at my phone, debating if I should reply, or if I should call her, or if I should Uber it over to her house and hold her until she falls asleep.
Maybe I should ignore her.
Maybe she was right about everything.
I tap my thumb against the side of my phone, pursing my lips together as I consider my next move.
Then I shoot her a quick reply:
Me: Goodnight, Cora.
I head to bed, minus the vodka.
Chapter Nineteen
My first day back to work the following week is a train wreck.
I’m a Heavy Construction Equipment Operator for the roads, which basically means I need to be lucid and clear-headed as fuck. I operate tractor trailers, bulldozers, cranes, and a variety of other big ass vehicles to patch concrete, repair highways and bridges, and haul toxic materials around. The heavens decided to rain down an ice storm today in honor of my first day back, so I had triple the anxiety. It was nearly impossible to stay focused as I tried to remember controls and protocols, while also having to fake-smile my way through the day and answer a thousand questions pertaining to my close encounter with a serial killer.
But I survived.
The weather is clearing up as I pull off my hard hat and hop into the rental car provided by my insurance company. It’s a shitty Honda, but it’ll do for now. I let out the sigh it feels like I’ve been holding in all day and collapse into the driver’s seat, drained and exhausted. I’m also fidgety and edgy from my alcohol detox. I haven’t touched a drop of liquor since the double date from hell over a week ago at The Oar.
I’m trying. I’m really fucking trying.
As I’m about to put the car in drive, my phone starts to ring, and Cora’s name and number pop up on my Bluetooth screen. I squint my eyes to make sure I’m seeing correctly and that impaired vision isn’t a side effect of the withdrawals. Cora and I haven’t spoken much over the last week, aside from a few casual text messages and some Facebook engagement. She filled me in on her first days back to work teaching at the school, and I told her about my upcoming start date, which was today. Basics. Normalcy.
Nothing that would indicate we barely escaped death two months ago, and certainly no reference to our emotional encounter in her car when she told me to leave her the hell alone because I was killing her.
Even though she took it back, I’m still giving her space.
For her, and for me.
I click accept, thinking she’s calling to inquire about my first day back. “Hello?”
I can make out the faint sound of sniffles on the other end of the line. “Dean?”
“Cora?” My heart goes into overdrive, my chest flooding with thousands of harrowing scenarios. “Are you okay?”
“I-I’m sorry to call you. I know it’s your first day back to work, and I was just going to leave you a voicemail, but…” She tries to catch her breath, small sobs breaking through. “It’s Blizzard.”
I blink, absorbing her words.
Oh, shit.
“Blizzard? What happened?”
“She had a seizure or something. It was bad, Dean—we couldn’t snap her out of it. I’m at the emergency clinic and they say she’s totally unresponsive.” Cora starts crying, hiccupping through her words. “They said we need to consider euthanasia.”
Fuck. This can’t be happening. I pinch the bridge of my nose, then trail my fingers through my hair, tugging at the roots. “Shit, Corabelle. Tell me which hospital and I’m on my way.”
“Are you sure? I know you’re working…”
“My shift is up. I want to be there.”
Her sigh of relief kisses me through the Bluetooth. “We’re at Care.”
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
I disconnect the call and drive at least ten over the speed limit, my mind reeling, until I careen into the lot and park like a jackass, taking up two spaces. I run through the main entrance and find Cora and her parents huddled together in the waiting room. Cora stands as soon as she spots me coming towards her and we’re yanked together like magnets, pulling each other into a tearful embrace. I smile at the Lawsons over Cora’s shoulder. Derek has his hand on Bridget’s knee, while Bridget blows her nose into a tissue.
“I’m so sorry, Cora,” I whisper against her ear, feeling the way she tightens her hold around my midsection in response. “How much time do we have?”