Instantly Jignesh starts his efforts in the right direction, and I think he is alert too.
I try to console Raag, leaning forward and reaching for his shoulder. “Um…he is trying.”
“You don’t understand!” Raag snaps, and I flinch back. For the first time, I feel a pang of rejection. He looks at Jignesh as he commands, “Just stop the car! Right now, move it to the side, and stop.” He is never so direct and curt with anyone. I am confused, worried, and sad.
Jignesh manages to pull over on the side near the walkway, and other vehicles start honking all at once. To my dismay, Raag abruptly climbs out, opening the door, and rushes for the bridge overlook. I follow suit after asking Jignesh to go ahead. In confusion, Jignesh moves the car forward.
Besides, there is absolutely no way anyone could park a big bogie on the bustling bridge.
As I run after Raag, my white beaded chunari flies in the air as a gust of wind pierces right through me. Raag stiffly stands by the railing, looking down at the river and tightly holding the railing.
“Are you okay?” I cry. A siren blares over my ears as it makes its way through the dense traffic. Raag breathes heavy, doesn’t answer, and doesn’t move.
“Raag,” I move closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“No!” he growls. “I am not okay!” His voice trembles as he moves to get away from my touch. I am rejected one more time, and I think I might cry. He runs his hands through his hair and he turns, checking on the visibly struggling ambulance. Then he turns back toward the river. “They won’t move. They never do!”
“They will! Look, it’s picking up speed.” I try to get his attention, but he doesn’t look—as if it’s too painful to watch.
“Damn it!” He gets angry and bangs his hand on the parapet, making me flinch. Oh, he must be hurting. But he looks more hurt inside.
“Raag!” I scream to make sure he hears me through the noises of honking and the blowing wind. It is my feeble attempt to call him out of the dust of gloom he seems to be lost in.
I too am a little lost at this point in time. But I am not going to let the gloom take me down with it. No!
Though the wind, water, and vehicles are moving, it feels as if I am glued to the ground, and the clock hasn’t ticked past even a second. To my surprise, my voice is even louder as the ambulance has finally made its way off the bridge.
Raag doesn’t respond to anything. Instead, he keeps a firm hold on the parapet and closes his eyes, taking deep breaths.
Oh, I am worried about him! I hug myself, cross my hands closer to my chest as the uninvited salty tears trickle down my cheeks.
I give us two minutes for Raag to cool down, for me to get my composure back and stop crying. Then cautiously I move closer to him and rest my hand on his, and he flinches. Raag has bruised his hand, and blood is oozing out of it. I am still cautious about his reaction. He doesn’t oppose but murmurs, “I’m fine.”
“You are not,” I say, pulling out my chunari. “You know, this is the time I tear my chunari and tie it around your hurt hand.” I expect a smile if not his chuckle, but I am disappointed.
I expect my chunari to tear gracefully as it does in the movies, but disappointedly it doesn’t. So, I tie the whole chunari around his hand, which looks vaguely odd. Nothing compared to carefully wrapped torn piece of cloth like in the movies. I hope he finds this a little amusing. Ladylike gracefulness is not one of my fortes, anyway.
“I didn’t mean to scare you. I should apologize.” Raag murmurs, still looking away like he’s hiding his face. I guess he’s slowly coming out of the world that entrapped him.
“You don’t have to apologize for anything. I was worried about you.” I plant a soft kiss on his bruised hand. He releases my hold on his side and looks up, holding his neck with his hands.
“You need to know this,” Raag asserts, turning away.
“I don’t have to,” I say, even though I badly want to. What was it? What was it that stole the sanity from my dear love?
“No, you have to hear this.” Raag takes a calming breath and exhales as he turns, facing me. “When I was ten, I used to get panic attacks. It started shortly after my father’s…death.” Raag looks vulnerable and he speaks in a trembling voice. I listen carefully, fighting tears.
“It hasn’t happened in a long time until today. I am always a little tense around ambulances here or in the States. But what happened today hasn’t happened in a long time. And it is not a good sign.”
“Okay,” I murmur.
“So…” He sighs and doesn’t finish the sentence.
I don’t grasp his unspoken words, and that is the urge I find in his eyes. “So…?”
“Mayuri, things don’t go as planned when this happens…a lot could change from this point,” he says, and I am lost. I am still trying to do the aftermath of what he explained.
I frown, puzzled. “Like what?”
“You do not have to rush into anything. You have time to think about this,” he says in plain English, and this time, I know exactly what he means.
“What are you saying?” I still ask, feigning innocence. “Rush into what?”
“Us.”
“Are you out of your mind?” I shout. He doesn’t look me in the eyes. “Do you think that because of what just happened, I should run away from us?”
“Mayu, you are too young. Maybe you are not getting the seriousness of this.”
“And you do?” I ask, annoyed. “Besides, you are talking like my father,” I mutter. “Mayuri is too young to decide for herself. Let’s tell her what to do!” My voice is torn and I am crying.
“Mayuri…” Raag frowns frustrated. “Mayuri, what just happened was a panic attack. You have no idea about the extent and intensity of it.”
“Raag, a lot of people get panic attacks.”
“Mayuri, I am not myself when that happens.” Raag shakes his head. “And the worst part is that I managed to scare you. I don’t want to be a person you fear.” Looking over the river, as if it is painful for him, Raag says, “Not even for a second I could be that person.”
“You did not scare me,” I lie and rest my palms on his warm cheeks.
“You should have seen your face,” he says, still looking away. “I can’t do this to you. It’s unfair.” He takes a deep breath.
“Raag, maybe I was. But so what?” I try to rest my hand on his shoulders, try to make eye contact, but he is not ready. “It was the fear of the unknown. I know now. It is not a big deal. It is just a panic attack. People get panic attacks all the time.”
“Not a lot of people have to go see a shrink!” His voice is icy cold. “I did. For a long time in my life.”
“Then we will go see a shrink again,” I reply instantly, and he seems to ease up a tiny bit.
This is not the time to argue with him. Maybe, he will be okay after some time. I don’t find any more material to distract him, so I can’t control but rush toward him and hug him. Pulling myself up on my tiptoes and extending my neck, I softly plant a kiss on his cheek and he gazes at me.
“What is happening here?” a harsh voice calls us from behind, startling me. It must be the police. Since my dear Raag is back, he stays calm as usual.