“Push,” the doctor orders, and somehow I manage to obey. The contraction ends, and I get a chance to breathe. “And again, Ms. Montoya. You’re almost there.”
I bear down, using the pain and anger and devastation in my favor. The rest is a blur, my mind filled with all the things that could’ve been, should’ve been, the disappointment for things that will never be.
I’m stunned, literally speechless when the nurse hands me my little boy. Tears streak my face, my breath hitching on each inhale more often than not. He’s stunningly perfect, eyes squeezed tight, unimpressed with seeing light for the very first time.
“Should he be this quiet?” I ask, concerned because he hasn’t cried since they calmed him down right after his birth.
“He’s fine,” Sophia assures me, her fingers pushing sweat-drenched locks of hair off my face.
I look to Gigi for reassurance. I love my best friend, but she’s never experienced birth. Gigi has done it twice.
“He’s perfect.” Her eyes fall back to the little boy in my arms. “Are you ready for your dad to come in?”
“No,” I answer after a long pause. “I just want some time alone.”
Taking my meaning, Sophia presses her lips to the top of my head before leaving. Gigi follows her out. The nurses bustle around, cleaning things up and making sure I’m comfortable before giving me a little time alone with my son.
I’m grateful babies are born with no knowledge. Although I want to tell him all I know about his daddy, just thinking of Drew makes me cry, the tears once again going from happy to pained.
A soft knock sounds on the door, and I almost ignore it, but good manners win out. It isn’t my dad who sticks his head in when I answer, but Lawson. Delilah isn’t even with him, and I understand the significance of him being the first one in. He lost Drew to the prison system yesterday, too.
“I’ll come back later if you don’t want me here.” He scrubs at the back of his neck. “Gigi said you didn’t want visitors, but I just couldn’t—”
“Stay,” I whisper, not wanting to wake the sleeping angel in my arms.
Lawson comes closer to the bed, peering down at the baby but making no move to reach for him. He must sense my unwillingness to hand him over just yet.
“He has your nose,” Lawson observes.
“Maybe.” I just don’t see any of myself in him. I don’t see any of Drew either for that matter.
“He’s beautifu—” Lawson’s words are lost on a sob, and I know he already misses his brother, but he also wants this for himself, wants to stand beside his wife while she holds their own son for the first time.
I keep my eyes on my son, giving him a moment to compose himself.
“Sorry. Shit… I mean crap… I told myself I wouldn’t act like this. You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
He doesn’t say goodbye before spinning to leave the room.
The visitors pile in after that, one after the other all telling me how gorgeous he is, how happy they are he’s here. They offer to make meals and babysit, and come over and keep an eye on him so I can rest. I have dozens of people here wanting to help, and yet I’ve never felt more isolated in my life. Even being under the overprotective thumb of my mom and stepdad growing up didn’t make me feel so abandoned.
“We can put him in the crib so you can rest,” one nurse says after most of the people filter out with promises to return tomorrow.
I nearly opened my mouth to ask them to stay away. Giving birth is exhausting, and I just want to be alone, but I couldn’t tell those smiling faces to get lost. I suffered for weeks while Drew ignored me, so I can’t imagine having people around who care could hurt any more than it already does.
“I just want to hold him a little longer.”
The nurse nods, but I can see the sympathy in her eyes. It makes me wonder how much everyone is gossiping about me in the waiting room. I didn’t exactly let Drew hold onto his pride after being convicted. I think I could’ve been charged with contempt of court, exactly what the judge threatened him with, if I weren’t in labor at the time.
Did he realize his mistake? Regret his decision to plead and not take any offerings of a reduced sentence? How could he want to stay away from us for so long?
He didn’t want me there. Dad told me as much, but I couldn’t stay away. I wanted to be there to support him, let him know that we’ll be here when he’s released. I couldn’t even let him walk away with dignity. I ruined that moment for him, made it more horrible than it had to be.
“Knock, knock.”
I sigh, looking over at the door.
“Most let their knuckles make that sound on the door then wait for someone to tell them it’s okay to enter.”
My best friend scrunches her brows together. “Those people are losers.”
“Or courteous,” I counter. “What are you doing here?”
“Why wouldn’t I be here? I told you I was coming back.”
“It’s late. You should be home with Colton.”
“He was called into work.”
That saddens me. Colton is a homicide detective with the Farmington PD. If he’s at work, that means someone died.
“That’s sad,” I mutter.
“That’s life,” she says. “Or rather death. Circle of life and all that.”
She stands beside the bed, arms out expectantly.
“May I help you?”
“You can hand him over or I can take him. I haven’t gotten to hold him yet.”
“No one has.”
“Hand him over. You need rest.”
“You sound like the nurse,” I mutter.
“She sounds like a smart woman.”
Reluctantly, I allow Sophia to take him from my arms, knowing it would be impossible to hand him over.
“Shh,” she coos when he whimpers. “You’re fine, sweet boy. Have you decided on a name?”
“Not yet,” I lie.
I know what it needs to be, but I’m so raw from everything to share it with anyone else right now.
“You’re not alone,” she says as she takes a seat on the rollaway bed meant for my spouse or significant other.
“Yes, I am,” I say, knowing I can be vulnerable with her and she won’t judge me.
“I know you’re going to miss him. I know you love him. I know it’s going to be hard some days for you to get out of bed and move forward, but you’ll do it. You’re strong and amazing, but on those days you feel like you can’t shoulder any more weight, you have so many people here for you.”
“I know.” Tears drip down my cheeks, and it’s happened so many times the last couple of days, I’ve stopped worrying with wiping them away.
I have everyone but the one person I need the most.
Chapter 24
Drew
“You’re in that busy head of yours again, kid. I warned you about that.” Scorpion grunts as he pushes his body up and down in the small space remaining in our cell.
“Yeah,” I agree, simply because I can’t help it.
My mind is never far from Farmington these days.
I’ve been here a week, the intake and assignment to this block all a blur. I focused more on those around me than what was actually taking place. I was near pissing myself when I was escorted to the cell with this huge motherfucker in it.