“So she’s special.” He places the weight on the rubber-matted floor, switches hands, and starts again. “You hardly know her, but the idea she might walk is scary to you.”
“Exactly. She and I might not be right for each other, but we don’t know that yet, and the idea she could bolt before we even test it out is terrifying.”
“So then the answer is simple. Stop pissing on her.”
I roll my eyes and prepare for my client’s next set when he tosses his water and lays down. He’s listening in to everything we’re saying, playing out his own scenarios in his mind. But he doesn’t seem all that mad to be privy to private life bullshit while paying for my time.
“I know the answer,” I tell Dad. “That was an easy fix. I said I was sorry, I confirmed we were still on for dinner, and then when she replied and said yes, I figure we’re good again.”
“So what’s the problem? You fixed it, and it only took you, what, half an hour?”
I nod.
He snorts. “It took me years, so you’re already cruising.”
“The fuck-up wasn’t the issue.” I place my hands under the bar in front of me, and when my client’s muscles begin to fail, I add a little assist. “The fact I care so much is the problem. I don’t know what to do with that shit. I’ve never cared before.”
“Ah… I see.”
Dad finishes curling, he makes sure he does even reps on each side – it’s like an OCD thing for people who regularly spend time inside a gym – then he sets the weight down and chews on his bottom lip. “Ya know, back before you and Rob were born, years before, your mom was pregnant with another baby. It was back when we were pretending to be friends – well, only friends, and I had mountains of emotional baggage I hadn’t yet offloaded.”
“I already know this story.”
He smiles and gives a gentle nod. “True. You know about that baby. We’ve never hidden it from you boys, but I guess I’m just saying, back then, I was vehemently against having kids. You little fuckers, I wanted nothing to do with your kind.”
I laugh, and so does my client, so his bar falls, and I have to catch it. “Thanks, Dad.” I set the bar in the rack. “I’ve always felt your love.”
“I was scared,” he adds seriously. “Your mom already scared the piss out of me. The idea that I could lose her was damn near paralyzing. Then this new element was thrown in, a baby. Except I didn’t know until it was all over. The baby was never meant to be, your mom had to face all that on her own – the loss, the fear, the sadness, and then the bitterness, since I’d been so fucking vocal on not wanting kids. She had to carry all that on her own. But by the time she told me, when she told me, I had a second to be mad. I don’t want no stupid fucking kids! Then a second after that, I was scared, because suddenly, I had something else to lose. Then I did lose it. So many fucking fears, Luke. And your mom was throwing them at me, one after another. Slam, slam, slam. She was relentless. I just…”
He chews on the inside of his cheek for a second. “I guess I’m saying I know that fear. The knowing you don’t want something, but then a switch is flipped, and now you want it, and the thought of losing it stings.”
“I didn’t know I wanted serious,” I admit. “In fact, I was anti-serious.”
“Then Ally walked in, and slam.”
Nodding, I go to the end of the bar in front of me, I release the weights, and place the disks on the floor. “Right. I didn’t want it, now I can’t live without it. And it feels extra scary, because Ally and I are brand new. To be talking serious so soon feels dumb.”
“And you’re afraid of being laughed at because it happened so quickly?”
I think on that for a moment. Mull it over in my head. Then I nod. “I guess. I don’t want her to laugh at me, I don’t want her to leave me, and I don’t want her to be scared off because maybe she doesn’t want serious.”
“It grates that you’ve handed over the control. She holds your happiness in her hands, and that is scary for you.”
“It’s fucking terrifying. And let’s not forget she doesn’t even live here. She’s only here for a little while, then she’s leaving.”
He shakes his head and breathes out a soft scoff. “Don’t even try to freak out about distance. She lives an hour away, not all the way across the country. Your cousin didn’t even know where Quinn lived. He lost contact for years, so if you try to act all whiney about the one-hour drive, he might pop you in the mouth for being a little bitch.”
“You have such a way with words, Dad. So comforting in my time of need.”
“Time of need,” he grumbles. “Boy, you’re soft if you think your world is falling down right now.”
I narrow my eyes and glare.
“You’re in the beginning,” he presses. “This is the most magical time for you and Ally, and you’re ruining it with the what-ifs. She’s not going anywhere for the next little while, and she told you to stop pissing on her leg. She didn’t tell you to fuck off and never call. She simply communicated what she expects from you, you responded right back, and now you’re both on track for your date tonight. Right?”
“Right.”
“So harden the fuck up.” He stands and claps my back when I scowl. “Everything’s okay, you’re gonna smile a whole fuckin’ lot tonight while you eat a meal with her, and then, slowly, as time passes and you keep doing the thing you’re doing, you’ll both know. It might be forever, or it might be for now, but either way, it’s good for you to be a little scared. It means it’s important. It’s character-building.”
“You’re an ass, you know that?” I shake my head and watch as he backs away. “I told you all my deepest, darkest fears, and you ended our chat with ‘harden the fuck up’.”
He shrugs and lets his gaze zoom across the gym when Mom walks in.
They’ve been married for more than two decades already, but he still watches her like they’re brand new. And maybe, just maybe, that’s what scares me the most. I want two decades and a love that still feels brand new, even after all that time.
Like Dad and the baby that was never meant to be, I didn’t know I wanted this with Ally, but now that I do know, I’m terrified it might all fall away and leave me empty-handed.
“Be cool,” Dad says. “Be happy in the now, and in a couple months, make your move. You have time to enjoy this without the worry.”
“And if another good-looking motherfucker tries to make her smile?”
He barks out a loud laugh and stops backing away. “Dudes come into this place every damn day and try to make your mom smile. Even now, even with a ring on her finger, and two grown-ass sons to watch her back, they still try. Back when we were new, she was slinging drinks inside a nightclub. You don’t think they tried to make her smile?”
“Well, what did you do about it?”
Ironically, he smiles, then shrugs. “Mostly, nothing. It was dicey at first, because I was young and foolish. Much like you,” he smarts. “But once we were in it together, once we’d decided, I knew it wasn’t my job to wipe away every prick’s smile. That would be an impossible mission. Instead, it was your mom’s job to come home to me, to smile for me, to stay faithful to me. And I knew she would, so it stopped bothering me.