I creep out of my bedroom in the corner of the clubhouse. It’s in the back. A newly renovated room near the gym. I think Reaper wanted to give me space from the guys, but I want to be close to everyone else. As much as I wanted my father to leave me alone, I hate being alone. Sometimes, he would sneak into my room and hold me, and I was so afraid; I didn’t want his touch, but I wanted the company.
How sick is that?
It’s why I’m on the couch right now, sleeping with Tyrant at my feet and Chaos by my head. Tyrant is Juliette’s dog, and Chaos is Skirt’s. I fell asleep watching reruns of Friends, but the sound of the front door opening and closing has me stirring. I glance out the window right as the motion light comes on outside, and that’s when I see Knives. He is leaning against the porch rail, the puffs of breath fogging in front of him as he breathes in the cold air, and he hangs his head.
Something is wrong.
I rub my eyes and get up. The dogs groan, not too happy to be jostled and roll to their backs at the same time. The only dog missing is Lady. She’s been hanging on to life, and the vet doesn’t understand why. It’s killing Poodle. He barely leaves his room so he can be with her. It’s sad.
“Good boys,” I say to them, patting their heads, so they know they are loved. I wrap the fluffy blanket around me and make my way to the front door. I open it and carefully close it behind me.
Knives hears the door click and turns around. My breath catches from how beautiful he is. The scalding blue eyes sear a brand on my heart in the shape of his name. The mug he has in his hand drops to his crotch to cover the bulge, and that’s when I notice he is wearing a black onesie.
That hugs everything.
Yeah, the mug doesn’t hide a thing. And as funny as it should be that this badass biker is in a onesie, I find myself wishing I could unclasp the white buttons to reveal the hair on this chest.
“I… uh… it’s laundry day. This is what I wear when I need to wash clothes,” he says, bringing his fist to his mouth as he coughs. “No one usually sees me in this.”
“I like it,” I smile, keeping my hand clutched on the blanket. My feet are freezing, and the deck is just as cold as the air. I sit down in a rocking chair, and he forgets that he is covering his bulge when he brings his mug to his lips, taking a long sip.
My eyes drop to his crotch and widen. It’s impressive. I can see the outline of his piercings too.
“Knives—”
“—No, let me.” He sets his cup down on the rail and kneels. It’s funny to see him in something other than his cut and jeans, but something about this onesie brings out his vulnerable side that he keeps hidden away. Like he is dying to feel comfort, so he does this because no one can see it.
He thinks no one can see him, but I do. I see him.
I see right through him.
Knives isn’t made of ninja stars and blood. He’s made of onesies and aches to feel the warmth of being secure.
I won’t ever say it out loud, but I’ll be his onesie if he allows me to be.
“I can’t… I don’t know how to do this.” There is a pain in his eyes, the same pain that was in them when he threw the chair. “I don’t do this. And Seer…”
“What?”
“Nothing,” he says, but I know it’s something. He is hiding it from me. Seer told him something that spooked him.
“Tell me.”
He takes my face in his hands and shakes his head. “No. There isn’t a time that’s more important than right now, and I want to enjoy every moment I have with you.” He presses his lips to mine, soft, slow, and deliberate. He takes his time prying my mouth open to make room for his tongue. I deepen the kiss and lean forward, wrapping my arms around his back and pulling him into the warmth of my blanket.
The cold hasn’t affected him. His skin is warm, but his tongue is cold. I don’t know how long we sit there and kiss, but the crickets are in the background, and heat lightning flashes across the sky.
I’m starting to wonder if Knives is the reason why I didn’t die. There were so many chances for me, but none ever came, no matter how hard I tried.
And he was there every time.
At first, I thought he was a nuisance, but he was the saving grace I had no idea I needed.
“I want you,” he says against my lips, not breaking the kiss or breaking us apart. “I want all of you.” He slides his hand down my jaw, caresses the curve of my neck, and lays his hand in the middle of my chest. “I’ve never had it before.”
I’ve never freely given it before.
Not that I ever planned on giving it to him. Knives kind of wiggled his way in and stole it without me noticing. He’s had my heart for a while now, and I’ve fought him to get it back; I just didn’t know what I was fighting so hard for until now.
The heart is fickle.
It breaks, it mends, but it is never the same after being welded together.
I don’t want to have to weld myself together. I don’t want Knives to wreck me. I don’t have the energy to pick myself up after that.
And I don’t think he does either.
“Take me then,” I say.
We pull away from each other, but not by much, just so we can look each other in the eyes. I could look at his eyes forever and not once get tired of their depths. He holds so much behind those blue prisons. I used to think he was cold, but really, he is an inmate in his own body, and he is begging to be released.
He lifts me up into his arms, the blanket dragging along the porch, and he takes the steps carefully. I don’t know where we are going, but I trust him. He walks around the building and heads toward the back entrance to the gym. I almost want to stay outside, but we might get caught, and I don’t want anyone seeing us.
“What’s wrong? Change your mind?” he asks.
“Not when it comes to you.” I drag my finger through his beard. It’s thick and coarse, just like the rest of the fur on his body. “I just wish we could be outside for our first time. I loved being alone with you in the barn.”
He nuzzles my cheek with his, and his breath ghosts over the shell of my ear. “I did too.” He lifts up and stares out toward the back of the property. “I’ll make sure to build us our own barn.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“I’d give my life for you, Hellraiser. You want the barn? I’ll bring it here. You want the stars? I’ll fucking bottle them for you. You want the moon? I’ll find a way to give it to you. I’ll find a way to give you everything. I hate that we didn’t realize what we felt for one another sooner. I lost out on so much time. I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you all the things you deserve.”
“Knives, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”
The look in his eyes tells me he doesn’t believe me. I’m not sure what has him spooked, but I’m sure it has something to do with Seer. I’m not going to ask because I don’t want to know. I just want to be with Knives.
“Take me to bed,” I say, tugging on his beard while snapping my fingers.
He smirks and opens the door. When it is cracked, he bumps it open with his hip so we can fit through. “So fucking sassy. You and that mouth.”