Each message, every word slices another gash into my chest. But it’s the last one that breaks my heart completely, and I know she’ll never forgive me, and she will always hate me.
Autumn: I guess our friendship has finally come to an end. I didn’t think it would end with you ignoring me. Even after I spilled out my feelings like an idiot. I should’ve known better. Take care of yourself, JD. Remember, you’re nothing like him. Goodbye.
Rearing my hand with a growl, I fling the device against the wall, watching it shatter into pieces as it falls to the floor, just like the pieces of the heart I once had. Because the moment she hit send on that message, I know I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
Through the searing pain that rips into my chest, I breathe, I focus, and I close my eyes. I haven’t ever cried. I don’t remember as a child feeling the need to cry. Even when we buried family members—my uncle, my grandfather, my grandmother, and even my sister—I stood in solidarity alongside my mother as she bawled her eyes out. My father, ever the stoic man I grew up knowing, never shed a tear, and neither did I.
Perhaps Autumn is wrong. In her perception of me, she always believed I’m good, that I’m nothing like the man who raised me. Maybe she didn’t see me for who I truly am.
I’m my father’s son—cold, aloof, and broken.
Chapter Seven
Autumn
No response.
Nothing at all.
It’s been hours.
I don’t know why this hurts so much, but it does. It feels like I can’t breathe. It’s as if my chest has been ripped open. My stomach feels like there’s a heavy weight inside it, dragging me down.
I haven’t stopped crying. My eyes are puffy, my chest hurts so badly, and I can’t breathe properly. It’s the first time I’ve ever had my heart broken because I never gave it away to anyone but JD. And now he’s gone. I don’t know why he’s decided to do it on my birthday, but my gut instinct is that it’s his father’s doing.
I don’t believe for a second JD would hurt me like this. Curling farther under the covers, I pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes. I want to run away, to go to him and ask him what the hell he’s doing. I want to punch him, to make him hurt just like I’m hurting, but I know nothing can ever ache as much as a broken heart.
“Sweet girl,” my momma calls to me from the doorway, but I can’t bring myself to lift my head. I don’t want to see the sunlight. Being here in the dark is where I want to spend the day. I don’t care if it’s my birthday, and I definitely don’t care if I’m finally eighteen. Nothing feels real anymore. Perhaps just focusing on school, like I have done all my life, is the way to go.
The last time my heart hurt so much I said goodbye to my father. And now I say goodbye to another man I loved with my whole heart.
“Something arrived for you,” momma says with a sigh when I don’t move. But her words have me pushing the blanket off and scooting up in bed. “I think he sent it, but I can’t be sure. It was delivered by a courier.”
She hands me the envelope. It’s thick, and I wonder what could be in here. Ripping it open, I find a small USB with a note that reads "Watch me" and nothing else.
Momma grabs my laptop from my desk and hands it to me. She looks as concerned as I feel. I know she loves JD like a son. When she accepted our friendship, it was the second happiest day of my life. The happiest would be the day I met him.
Inserting the USB into my computer, I wait for it to power up. I inhale a few deep breaths, needing to calm down. My heart ricochets against my chest painfully. Even through the puffiness of my eyes, I can see the screen. I tap on the icon, and a video pops up along with a full screen of JD’s handsome face.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Momma tells me as she leans in to press a kiss on my forehead. “If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen.” Once she shuts my bedroom door, I blow out a breath and hit play.
“I shouldn’t be doing this, but I couldn’t let you think I don’t feel the same. Autumn, you’ve been my best friend, my light when I needed it most. You’ve gotten me through dark times I never thought I would see the end of. It’s always your face I’ll see when I venture off onto this stupid mission. My father is sending me away. He wants me to spend a couple of years with the SEALs, just like he did.”
There’s a slight pause as he reaches on the bed for something. Then he lifts it, and I notice it’s a small sculpted bird. A gorgeous blue jay, which is what the other object in the envelope is. Wrapped in a handkerchief that smells just like him, I find the delicate ornament.
“I’ve wanted to give you this for so long, and tonight would’ve been perfect. I’m sorry I can’t be there. I would if I could. Please be careful when you’re out, or alone. I don’t think he’ll do something, but my dad wasn’t happy when he spoke to me earlier. He knows about us, Autumn. Be careful. And I love you. I always have. I’ll always love my songbird.”
The video dies, the screen goes black, and I can’t see JD’s face anymore, which brings tears to my eyes. They burn, and I blink, allowing them to fall. It feels like someone has taken a knife and stabbed me. The blade twisting in my gut, making it difficult to breathe.
Curling my legs up, I wrap my arms around my knees, needing to feel smaller, hoping that curling up like this will calm the pain currently shooting through my chest. It’s almost as if I can hear the crack of my heart. He did something he shouldn’t have done. JD’s dad had forbidden him to talk to me, and now that he knows about our friendship, I’m worried about JD. He took a chance to send me this video. He said he shouldn’t be doing it, but he still did. Which has two warring feelings rushing through me—sadness and happiness. They meld together, making my heart ache, yet soar because he does love me. If he didn’t, he would never have said goodbye.
I don’t know how I’ll survive this. It feels as if the air has been knocked from my lungs, and I’m empty. I’m nothing more than a shell. I know I’m overexaggerating, but I can’t help it. He’s been my world for so long, ten long years, and now, he’s gone.
I hear the door open and close. I feel my mother, and then I don’t. I sleep, and then I wake. Time passes, but it feels like none at all because when I open my eyes hours later, the luminous sky is peeking through my bedroom window.
I don’t know how many hours have gone by, but I know the moment I move from this bed, everything will be much more real than I want it to be. Perhaps I can lie here, pretend nothing happened. But when my mother walks into my room holding a plate of waffles meant to cheer me, I know I have to survive this.
“Sweet girl,” she calls to me in a soft tone. “I’m starting work early. Have these; they’re warm, drenched in syrup just how you like them.” I nod, but I don’t know if she sees me. She must because she presses a kiss to my head and leaves me alone again.
I feel like Bella Swan after Edward leaves. I never understood why she acted like that, why she was frozen in the one place he would be strongest in her memory, her bedroom. But now I get it. It’s because she just couldn’t believe he was ever in her life.