“I don’t think everyone in Huntington is gay and there are a lot of bigots, just like anywhere,” she said. “There are also a lot of pan kids, bi kids, gay kids, ace kids . . . Noah’s gay, I’m bi. I guess maybe people are a bit more out here than they are some places, but I was born here so I wouldn’t know.”
Noah nodded his head. “Yeah, most kids are okay about it and don’t really care. Here it’s mostly just adults who suck. Like I’m not out to my mom. She would have an absolute fit.”
He leaned back in his chair and either didn’t notice or ignored the relieved sigh I exhaled. I knew it made me an asshole, but I couldn’t help but be relieved that he was more like me; someone who had to hide a piece of himself. It was really starting to feel like the town was one big support group and I was the only alien left with homophobe parents. It wasn’t that I was glad Noah was suffering, just that I was glad I wasn’t the only one.
Something occurred to Lexi and she sat upright in her chair. “You said it seems like everyone in Huntington is gay. Who else have you met?”
I hesitated, but then I remembered Hannah talking about being out at school, so I figured there was no real harm. “I met Hannah Justice earlier in the break.”
Lexi’s face was blank as she nodded, “Oh yeah, Hannah.” If there was any history there, she wasn’t giving it away.
Noah pulled his phone from his pocket. “It’s getting late, Lex,” he said. “We better get going if we are going to get that post-Christmas shopping done.”
Lexi stood up and dropped her empty cup into a nearby trashcan. She smiled at me and I thought we were going to say our goodbyes, but before I could get up, she asked me if I wanted to join them for some shopping.
For a half a second, my smile was frozen across my face and red alerts went off in my head. Yeah, these two seemed like nice enough people, but they could be anyone. I’d seen horror movies that started a lot more innocently. Instead of a bookstore, they could drive me to a field and even if murder was a pretty over the top idea, was it really so out there that maybe these two would prank the butch new kid for fun? Leave me in a field somewhere and laugh as they imagined me finding—or not finding—my way home?
I shook my head, scolding myself for being so paranoid. This wasn’t my tiny suburban neighborhood back home. These kids were different: friendly. It was one thing to avoid dating and try to keep my sexuality under the radar, but if I couldn’t at least try to make friends, it was going to be a long year. Besides, what did I have to lose? I forced a grin and nodded, getting up from the table and following them to Lexi’s car.
Chapter Thirteen
Hannah
When I got home from Lennox’s house, I trudged up to my bedroom like the weight of the world was slowing me down. I was furious with Lennox and, as usual, I didn’t know if I should be. On the one hand, she’d made it sort of clear where she stood from the first time it came up: she didn’t want to be gay and she wasn’t ready to admit how she felt. On the other hand, she had kissed me. As I shut my eyes, I tried to push back the memory that was now playing cinema style in my mind: she had kissed me. My body felt her handprints burned like a brand in the curves of my skin. My hair had curled around her fingers. I felt my breath quicken as it all replayed, and I cursed as the tears started again. Damn this girl, I thought. Why can’t she just figure out what she wants?
But I knew it wasn’t that simple. I knew Lennox knew what she wanted—she’d said it, for fuck’s sake. She wanted me. She wanted those breathless moments; she wanted our bodies pressed together. She wanted all the fun of being a lesbian with none of the responsibilities. No longer trusting my own thoughts on the Lennox issue, I dialed Marley’s number into the phone. She answered on the first ring and after a quick summary of what had just happened, I was met with silence. Heart racing, I waited for Marley to say anything to help me puzzle out my next moves.
Finally, she spoke. “So, was she a good kisser?”
Sharp and high pitched, the laugh left my lips before I’d even realized it was coming. Marley had such a skill for cutting right to the chase. My eyes fluttered closed involuntarily as I formed my answer, memories of Lennox’s soft lips on mine coming back in a breathless rush. Still raw and tender, my lips sure hadn’t forgotten her presence.
“Yep,” I said. “She is a very good kisser.”
“Hmmmm,” Marley said, and our lifetime of being friends gave me the superpower of hearing what she wasn’t saying. Always oversimplifying everything, Marley was going to tell me to get over my hesitance and just see her in secret. Let things work themselves out. As if on cue, the voice on the other end of my phone continued, “I really think you’re overthinking this, Hannah. If it was that hot and you like her that much, why not just let things be what they are and figure it out as you go? She might come around.”
She wasn’t wrong. I could ignore my own instincts and agree to see each other in the privacy of our mutual bedrooms. I could even hang out with her in public as long as I never tried to touch her or give any indication that we were together. Then, maybe we would fall in love and once Lennox was in love with me, she’d have no choice but to get over her fears and take the plunge because she’d want to be a real couple. That could happen. Or we could spend months together isolated from the real world only to have me fall in love and her never feel ready. There was just too much at stake. If I felt like this about her after a few weeks, how was I going to cope after I’d spent more time with her?
“You just don’t get it, Marley,” I said with a sigh. “You know I have never once played the gay card with you, but be real. You don’t have to worry about whether to date someone secretly because no one is ashamed of hetero dating. Any guy out there would be tripping over himself to be seen in public with you.”
The line went silent again, but this silence felt different. Heavier, like the differences between us were settling in and getting comfortable for the first time. We’d always known they were there, but they’d seemed like small things. She had a bigger selection of potential romantic partners. Her sexuality was the status quo sexuality, so she could assume any guy was straight unless she discovered otherwise. I didn’t have that luxury and no matter how much people joke about it, gaydar is only like eighty percent accurate.
“I have an idea,” Marley stage-whispered, and I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever she said next. Sure enough, she read off an address, refused to tell me where I was going, and told me to meet her there in thirty minutes. Even though the idea of showing up to some surprise destination filled me with total dread, I knew better than to argue. When Marley makes up her mind about a plan, that’s the plan.
I arrived fifteen minutes early. My earliness was the result of a cocktail of compulsive punctuality and a desire to scope the place out before Marley arrived so if it was scary, I could bail. I was surprised when I realized that the address had led me to a middle class, residential street lined with typical Barboursville homes. Two story or split level. Siding or brick. Clean, manicured lawns. As I surveyed the numbers on the houses, I pulled up to the address Marley had given me and waited.