My feelings went far deeper than I imagined. No, that wasn’t right. They were deeper than I had acknowledged to myself. I’d long surpassed falling, and was unequivocally in love with him.
Yet, I couldn’t help but question everything—our relationship especially—now that I’d met Liv. She’s the one he should be with. They were a perfect match. The only baggage she came with was a trauma they shared.
My heart was heavy, and I needed space. My chest felt tight and breathing was hard. I needed to take a moment to myself, and with that I said to Thane, “I need to run back to my place real quick.”
Thane’s surprise was apparent. We were cutting the day short. “Did you forget something?”
“I’m just not feeling very well.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, coming to stand in front of me. He looked me over, but it was too close, too much.
I stepped back to give myself the illusion of space. “I have a headache.” The most cliché excuse ever.
We walked together out of the park in silence. I closed myself off, a wall of tension rising between us.
“See you soon,” I said, trying to give him a reassuring smile, but I knew I was failing.
He pulled me close, holding me tightly in his arms. “Why don’t I take care of Kinsey while you rest?”
I tried to force a smile. “It’s okay, it’s her nap time, so we’ll both sleep.”
“Then how about I come over in a few hours with dinner?”
I could almost feel the desperation in his tone. “That sounds good.”
With a last kiss to my lips, then to my forehead, he reluctantly stepped away.
A dark pit formed in my stomach as I watched him leave. Thane seemed so affected by her. And that thought terrified me. I needed a chance to rebuild my walls.
He was just biding his time until he got back together with her. It was like what Pete said—I just wasn’t worth it.
After I locked the door, I lay down on my bed with Kinsey, hoping she’d fall asleep faster beside me.
Meeting Liv, Thane’s ex who had once carried his child, had drained me. Thick, toxic thoughts had poured into my mind and heart, and I was struggling to rise above them. To believe in the feelings I knew we shared.
But it was easier to believe the bad over the good.
The week passed in a blur, and then Kinsey was officially one year old.
The party was planned and her presents were wrapped. It wasn’t going to be much, because honestly, it was true that I had lost a lot of people when I took Kinsey in. Longtime friends stopped calling when I was no longer able to go out. People who I thought had my back had disappeared when I was no longer convenient.
It always made me wonder what Pete told them, if he had badmouthed me, or if it really was just all because I had a baby.
Kinsey’s birthday wouldn’t have much fanfare to it, and even though she wasn’t going to remember it, I was determined to make it a special day.
Mom was coming over, as was Thane, and we were all going to the Central Park Zoo. Mom was making her a cake, and I couldn’t wait to watch her eat it.
Her baby bestie, Oliver, was also coming with Lizzie and James, along with their older daughter, Bailey.
By nine thirty we were almost ready to go.
“It’s a very special day today,” I said to Kinsey as she looked up at me from the floor, a bottle in one hand and a block in the other. There was formula soaking into her onesie, and I was happy I hadn’t put her birthday dress on. “You’re a mess, nugget.”
There was a knock on the door, and I gave Kinsey a surprised look. “Who is it? Grandma or Thane?”
Thane had slept over, but he’d run back to his place for a shower and change. My heart was still heavy about him, and while we’d returned to some semblance of normal, I knew he could feel the shift. Was that why he slept with a near death grip on me?
She kicked her feet excitedly and looked to the door. I smiled at her as I pulled the door open, but my good mood was instantly squashed.
Her hair was almost brushed, but I could tell she was coming down from a high.
“Hi, Roe,” Ryn said.
“Ryn.” My jaw locked down as I glared at my sister. “What are you doing here?”
“Um, well, it’s her birthday, right?” Ryn said, but it sounded like she wasn’t quite sure. “My baby’s.”
“What if it is?”
“Can I… can I please just tell her happy birthday? Please, Roe, she’s my baby.”
Hearing her say it was like nails on a chalkboard. Yes, Ryn carried her for nine months, but I was Kinsey’s mother.
“Five minutes,” I said, knowing I shouldn’t. The last time she showed up, it was a disaster. “That’s it.”
“Thank yo—”
“And you’re going to tell me how you’re not in jail right now.”
She nodded and stepped forward. With reluctance, I stepped back. Everything was screaming in me that it was a bad idea, but then the part of me that cared about my sister reminded me that it was her daughter’s first birthday.
“Hi, baby,” she said as she sat on the floor in front of Kinsey. Did she even know what her daughter’s name was?
I rolled my eyes as I sat next to her.
Kinsey’s attention was on the toy in her hand, but she looked up at Ryn, giving a high-pitched screech.
“A year ago today it was just you and me, little one.”
“Kinsey,” I said through clenched teeth.
“What?” she asked.
“Her name.”
“Oh,” she said as she looked down at Kinsey. “I was going to name her Emma.”
“Well, then you shouldn’t have abandoned her. Now tell me why you’re not in jail.”
She swallowed hard. “I took a plea deal. Community service and parole to testify against them in exchange for no jail sentence. I told them they forced me, that I had no choice.”
“Had no choice?” Those three words resonated inside me and the simmering anger exploded. She reached for Kinsey, and I yelled out. “Don’t you fucking touch her!”
My raised voice upset Kinsey, and she began to cry. Ryn reached out again, but I scooped Kinsey up into my arms.
“Roe…”
“You told them where to go for a quick score,” I spat behind clenched teeth.
Her eyes were wide. “I didn’t have a choice. Please, Roe.”
“You had a choice, Ryn. You had a fucking choice to leave me out of your fucked-up life, but you just couldn’t do it. You had to drag me down, hurt me again.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
She wasn’t understanding, because she was driven by the drugs. She chose to tell them about my apartment. She chose to help them break into my home.
“Get out!” I yelled.
“Please, Roe, just let me explain.”
“Explain? Explain?” I seethed. “You brought those men to my house. To what? Were they going to rape me before they took off with all of my stuff? Or were they going to take me?” The sound of one of them crashing into the bathroom door, trying to get in, filled my ears. “Did you promise them a woman as well? How much stash did they give you in exchange? Or was it just the bruises from pushing you down and hitting you?”