She pours more gold paint into the tray. “Theo will love it. Tomorrow you can furnish the room, then everything should be ready for Friday. What will you do with him this weekend?”
I step off the ladder. “Friday we will settle into his room, Saturday maybe play with Brownie and go to the bookstore to pick out a book, and Sunday, no clue. He is four, so his energy level goes from ten to zero in a minute.”
She smiles at me.
There’s a pause as we look at each other. I realize that she isn’t part of those plans and feel the need to explain. “I was hoping you would be able to christen my new room, but it will have to wait.” I try to catch her direct gaze with my own; I do, and there is a faint wry smile on her mouth.
Stepping closer to her, I grab her free hand with my own. “Please don’t take it the wrong way that you’re not in our plans for the weekend.” My voice is almost delicate.
“Lucas, I get it completely. Don’t worry. We’re new. Very new. We should see where we’re going before your son joins the picture,” she assures me, and her look is genuine. Gosh, this woman is understanding.
It isn’t a big deal to her, so it should not be a big deal to me, yet I have to ask…
“I never actually asked… does it bother you I have a kid?”
She flinches under my touch and her eyes look at me startled. “Of course not, Lucas. He is part of you and your life. I know you’re the package deal if this goes anywhere.”
I pull her close as we both hold out our brushes to the side. Kissing her forehead, I need her to know.
“You are something special, Abby,” I whisper.
She gently tilts her head to the side. I’ve noticed she isn’t good with compliments.
Still, I need to ask more…
“I never asked, what is your view of children?”
She steps away and fidgets with her brush and looks to the wall. “As in, do I think they are little gremlins or make rainbows happen?” She’s trying to avoid the real meaning of my question.
“As in, do you ever want kids?” For some reason my stomach tightens, and an almost metallic taste fills my mouth. I’m scared for her answer.
Her eyes flick up to meet mine. “Truthfully… I don’t think I want kids. It was never in my dreams or life plan.”
My stomach twists and my heart drops. I feel weak and empty. This isn’t what I wanted to hear. Because I like her. A lot. Everyone in their life has a “what if” girl or guy. Even if you are happily married, you most likely have a what-if girl or guy. She is my what-if girl.
Even though my what-if girl is in my arms and possibilities are laid out in front of us, it doesn’t matter. Because not wanting kids is a dealbreaker.
A big dealbreaker.
Chapter Thirteen
Abby
Since last night, there has been radio silence from Lucas. The talk of children was a damper on a good run. Lucas’s face when I told him made it clear that it is a big deal. And I get it, he has a son and one day maybe he wants to give Theo a brother or sister. He’s a family man. I love that about him, and I don’t see it as a turn-off.
I just… I just struggle to see myself in a mother role.
There’s no explanation for why I feel this way other than it never piqued my interest. In recent years, my social calendar has been filled with gender reveal parties, baby showers, and first birthdays. The babies are cute, real cute. And being pregnant? Looks fun—but not my kind of fun. Maybe one day I’ll feel differently, but I don’t foresee a change anytime soon. I never felt the desire and that feeling never subsided, not even the slightest.
It never crossed my mind that maybe one day I would be in a situation where someone else’s child is involved. I thought I would have been married forever so why would I have thought of someone else’s child? But now I know, being divorced in my thirties, that the chance I date someone with a child runs strong. My brief 10-minute trip to a dating site three months ago proved that point. Since then the thought has floated occasionally through my mind.
I do like kids. They are entertaining little rascals. I’m just clueless how I would be in a “girlfriend of the dad” kind of role. And although that is such a hot scenario that does something to my libido, even I know there is so much more to that situation. I can’t mess around when a child is involved.
Lucas does something to me. He reaches corners in me that I didn’t know I have. And I want to see where we could go. He is the one I always wondered about, which is crazy. But here we are, and I don’t want to walk away with a few good weeks knowing we could have more.
I look at my computer screen as I type an e-mail. A year ago, I had applied for a fellowship, and I never heard back from them, so I only assumed that I didn’t get it. They e-mailed me yesterday asking if they could keep my details on file, and I answer of course before hitting the send button. Looking through the rest of my e-mails, I see I have one from my cousin with a link for a soup recipe, and a reminder from my dentist to have my annual dental check.
The day moves slowly.
After heading home from work, I feed Romeo. Since he was at work with me today, he’s worn out after our evening walk. The walk was needed maybe more for me than him. I needed to clear my head and think through this situation. I want Lucas more, but I know I can’t be selfish. There is a potential bigger picture. But somewhere between minute ten and twenty of our walk, something clicked in my head. I don’t have a clear picture, but it’s no longer blurry.
Since I know Lucas is working on Theo’s room, I head to his new place without warning. When I arrive, it seems his new bed is getting delivered as the front door is wide open and there’s a truck in the driveway with a picture of beds on the side. I walk in as Lucas is showing the movers out.
Our eyes catch and he’s surprised to see me, but still the corner of his mouth hitches slightly. After closing the door behind the movers, Lucas focuses his attention on me.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hey.”
“Can we talk?” I request softly.
His jaw flexes and he rubs the back of his neck. “Sure.” We walk to the kitchen and it seems the kitchen now has chairs and a table in the dining area. Leaning to the side, we both use the counter as support.
“I want to explain yesterday,” I begin.
“You don’t need to explain, I get it.” It comes out disappointed, and he won’t look at me.
My hand reaches for his arm. “No, you don’t get it. I’m not sure I did either. So, can I clarify?” I appeal, trying to find his eyes.
His face remains neutral. “Abby, it’s okay. You don’t need—”
I interrupt, which makes his eyes meet mine. “No, I do. It is true what I said about not wanting kids. I personally don’t see myself getting pregnant and having a baby. Maybe one day that’ll change, but I can’t guarantee it. And I know we’re new, and this is a crazy conversation to have, but it’s logical in this case. If you want to meet someone and have more babies, then I am not the one for you, it’s true,” I admit somberly and try to study his face.
Lucas bites his lip. “Abby. I really don’t know where this conversation is going, but the message is clear.”