“What’s that?” He turns his head just enough for me to catch the wince on his face. He sticks a pen in the book he was taking notes in before placing it on the nightstand.
“Nick. He’s probably just calling to placate himself you’re not pissed at him. Trust me, we’re not going to starve.”
Jed’s chest lifts up and down beneath me. “Not hardly with the way you’re not eating what you’ve been ordering from room service. I feel like I’m eating for two.”
That earns a reluctant chuckle from me.
“Turn down the TV for me, would you?”
I reach for the remote and lower the volume. “Going to try to nap?”
“No. It’s time for us to have a little conversation.”
I begin to protest until Jed captures my hand, pulling me back into his arms, and places my head over his heart. “From the moment you were born, I’ve loved you. I think Mom and Dad were terrified I was going to smother you in your crib after we brought you home because I would just wander into the room where you were sleeping and watch you.”
“Did you think about it?” I tease him in an attempt to break the tension gripping me.
“Not until you started taking an interest in boys. And then I couldn’t be certain if it was because we’d have crushes on the same guys.” We both laugh until Jed’s face becomes absurdly serious—ridiculous because my big brother is so rarely serious. He’s always the sparkle in the sky, the person everyone wants to be around because they know they’ll never be left out. But I can’t prevent the tears in my eyes when he whispers, “You’re the light of my life, Maris.”
“I know.” Before I can return the sentiment, Jed shocks me to the core.
“And Nick’s the darkness.” Jed sifts his fingers through my hair as he solemnly holds my attention. “If he wasn’t one of the most loyal men I’ve ever met, if I hadn’t had the chance to know him as well as I have, I’d have done anything to have kept you apart. If I thought I wouldn’t die in the process, I’d kick his sorry ass for this stunt. I can’t even make up excuses about why he sent you that ticket, but if I knew, I’d have figured out a way to have kept you up in Juneau. He doesn’t deserve you.”
As much as I want to believe my brother, it’s going to take a long while for me to believe that. Still, I nod to placate him.
“He’s just lucky I believe that beneath the land mines, barbed wire, and stay-out signs, he projects a heart of pure gold or I’d cut him from my life completely.”
That shocks me. “But he’s your brother!”
“And you’re my sister, my family, and I vowed to protect you. There may never be a man good enough for you, but one who would hurt you deliberately? Maris, I need you to hold on to your heart carefully; otherwise, you’re going to send me into an early grave.”
“Trying to tell me falling for Nick is stupid? Trust me, I’m already well aware of that.” There’s so much insincerity in my voice.
“No, Maris. I’m telling you it might be safer to swim in the Bering Sea in the middle of winter than to feel what you think you do for him.”
It’s not my brother’s words that break me. It’s the fact I can feel wetness against my face. My big brother is shedding tears for me and my pathetic heart. “Too late. I’m already underwater,” I whisper.
As he tucks me against him, I let the saltiness drip out of my eyes and onto his chest. For a long while, the only sound is the occasional choking sound I make. I scrub my face back and forth, scratching my cheek against our grandfather’s gold cross Jed always wears.
“It will all work out the way it’s meant to,” I vow.
Jed pulls me as close as he can, despite the fact I know it must be hurting him. I begin to drift off when I hear him whisper, “In the end, my sweet sister, all I want is for you to find a love that makes you happy.”
Nicholas
March - Sixteen Years Later
I step out of the small store and scan the parking lot for my mom’s dilapidated station wagon. When I don’t spot it right away, I let out a sigh and plop down on the sidewalk with the small sack of groceries I managed to buy with the money I earned on small jobs I picked up after school.
My stomach rumbles. Rebelliously deciding if Mom can’t be here to pick me up on time like she said she would, well, I can dip into the supply of jerky without her permission.
Food, money—hell, love—has been stingy since we got word that Dad was killed in a boating accident on the Bering Sea. But if I’m honest, if it wasn’t for the money he brought in, he wasn’t much for supplying much anyway. Definitely not the kind of man I want to be. I gnaw on the jerky while faded memories of a burly man who gratefully ignored me after I started to get older and bigger flit through my mind.
She’s not much better, but I guess we’re all the other has now. Swallowing, I scan the parking lot again, trying to find the dilapidated car we sleep in as often as not. At least it’s something to protect us from the weather that’s edging into brutal at night.
Just then, a family passes by as they head into the market. The boy, I’d guess he’s about my age, slows. “Everything cool?”
I tip my head back and meet the wildest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. “Yeah, man. Thanks. Just waiting on my mom.”
The smile he gives me makes him look like a slightly deranged serial killer. When I tell him so, he laughs hard before heading into the warm store. I debate following him inside to get warm again, but I can’t stand the pitying looks I got from the cashier.
One day, there will be no more pity. Not from anyone.
I wake up in a sweat, despite the air-conditioning pumping cool air into my room. “Not again,” I whisper aloud, scrubbing my hands over my face.
Some people have reoccurring nightmares when they’re stressed. Me? My mind replays one of two memories to punish me for all my misdeeds: the first time I saw Jed Smith on the day I was abandoned by my mother or the night my ego ruined my future with his sister. Instead of having the strength to stick to my plan of using the night I won the title belt to begin wooing Maris, I let my dick do the thinking when I was asked about how I felt my disturbing past impacted the outcome of the fight during the post-fight interview. I was reduced to that teenage boy in the parking lot immediately after winning what I thought was something that would finally prove I had turned my life around.
That night caused me to do something so stupid, so unforgivable, it often makes me wonder if I could go back in time and hand it all back, including the belt, would I?
My past is no excuse anymore. Back then, I’m not sure I had a full grip of the magnitude of what I was losing; otherwise, I wouldn’t have stopped until I made Maris listen to me. If not then, then anytime in the sixteen years since that night. And I, despite having just won a huge sporting championship, should have walked away. Even though that reporter opened the door for all of my inner fear to worm insidiously into my mind, I made the rest of the choices. The question just reminded me blatantly why I shouldn’t be with Maris, so I set out to demonstrate to her clearly the worst about me in vivid detail. And I wounded us both permanently in the process.