My Brady.
My best friend.
The love of my life.
He’s gone.
I won’t get to hug him again.
I won’t get to kiss him.
I won’t get to see his gentle smile that had a way of warming the coldest days.
Brady’s dead.
My sensitive, beautiful boyfriend left without warning, without a word… and he took my whole heart with him.
My world has been a warped and hollow mess the past couple of days. For the first time since I was a toddler, I slept in my parents’ bed. They haven’t left my side since I got the news that Brady committed suicide.
Mom called Mrs. Lawson to find out where the funeral will be held so I could be there.
Sitting between my parents, my eyes keep drifting between the closed casket and the front row where Mrs. Lawson and Colton are seated. Even though it’s almost summer, the church is cold.
For a fleeting moment, I wonder where Mr. Lawson is. But it’s a constant fight to keep it together and to focus on anything. When Dad lifts his arm and places it around my shoulders, I scoot closer to him. He puts his free hand over both of mine, and warmth seeps through the ice barrier coating my skin.
My stomach burns, and my back aches from all the tension. I try to concentrate on the physical pain because facing the merciless devastation inside me is too much to handle right now.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to face it.
When the service starts, my mind becomes a torture chamber filled with questions, denial, and sorrow.
Our time together wasn’t long enough. We were never meant to say goodbye.
A tear rolls down my cheek, and I don’t have the strength to wipe it away. Mom frees a tissue from the stash she brought and gently dabs the trail away.
The turmoil in my head is so loud, it drowns out all the sounds around me. The preacher's lips move. Mrs. Lawson’s shoulders shake. People get up and sing, and I lean heavily against Dad to keep myself standing.
When the service comes to a close, we make our way to the exit. Stopping in front of Mrs. Lawson and Colton, I somehow manage to force a smile around my dry lips. Their faces blur as I unconsciously pay my respects. “I’m so sorry.” I blink the tears away, and immediately I’m struck by the anger and pain in Colton’s eyes.
This must be so hard for him.
Another fleeting thought as Dad guides me out of the building toward the car. The only constant in my world is the tormenting reality that Brady is gone.
We follow the procession to the cemetery, and even though the sun is shining bright, the grounds feel dark and morbid.
Brady doesn’t belong here.
Brady was sweet and caring. He was sensitive and gentle and doesn’t belong in such a grim place.
Beside me lays a single poppy, and I notice it’s already wilting. It was Brady’s favorite. When we come to a stop near the gravesite, I carefully take hold of the stem, so I don’t accidentally break the flower.
As I walk toward the already forming crowd, my eyes dart over the gravestones, and each one is a blow to my broken heart.
I’m not ready to say goodbye!
Dad must feel my distress because his arm is around my shoulders before another tear can escape, and he whispers, “I wish I could take your pain, Little Bean.”
I cower against my father’s side as the preacher says some final words, and the coffin is lowered into the hole.
Brady can’t be in there.
But he is. He’s dead and never coming back to me.
The tidal wave robs me of my breath and makes my heart squeeze so painfully, I wonder how it’s still able to beat.
People begin to leave, having said their final goodbye. I force myself forward, and Dad sticks to my side as I kiss the frail petals of the poppy before dropping it on the coffin.
An agonizing sob tears a hole right through my soul as I croak, “I’ll love you forever, Brady.”
I somehow manage to turn to Mrs. Lawson and Colton and weakly wave at them before Dad helps me back to the car.
It’s only been three days, and I’ve barely survived the heartache. How am I going to survive the rest of my life without Brady?
It all sinks in again.
The pain. Feeling lost. The desperation that’s threatening to cripple me.
Every second between each heartbeat is unbearable because it’s another second without him.
Dad called the school and managed to get me out two weeks early before summer break, so instead of heading home after the funeral, we all came to Virginia.
I’m sitting on a bench, my eyes staring blankly over the little pond on the ranch. It’s beautiful and peaceful out here, but right now, I can’t bring myself to appreciate any of it.
I hear footsteps, and then a shadow falls over me before Grandpa sits next to me.
“Hey, kiddo.”
I link my arm through his and holding onto it, I snuggle into his side, resting my head on his shoulder. “Hey, Gramps.”
We sit in silence for a while before I ask the question that’s been weighing heaviest on me, “Why did he do it?”
“He must’ve been in a place so dark he couldn’t find the light.”
I need to talk to someone about the mess in my heart, and Grandpa is the wisest person I know. He’s a retired Navy Seal, and I’m sure he’s seen the dark side of life a couple of times.
“We were happy together. There was an incident at Jase’s party, and Hunter embarrassed Brady. I don’t know what happened when Hunter took Brady home. Colton, Brady’s older brother, said things got bad, and that’s why Brady committed suicide.”
Grandpa lets out a heavy breath before he asks, “Did Hunter and Brady fight?”
“I don’t have the heart to ask Colton what happened, and I don’t want to talk to Hunter.”
“So, you don’t actually know what happened?”
I sit up and scowl at the water. “I can only guess, Gramps. It was serious enough to make Brady feel like he had no other choice.”
Grandpa rubs a hand over his strong jaw, his brows drawn together. “I think you should call Hunter and hear what happened. From my experience, a lot has to happen before someone reaches the point where they feel like death is the only option.”
Deep in thought over what Grandpa said, I nod slightly.
“Dinner is almost ready. Want me to put your plate in the microwave until you’re ready to eat?”
Sometimes I think my grandpa and dad know me better than I know myself. Smiling gratefully at him, I nod. “Please. I want to stay out here a little while longer.”
Grandpa pats my knee before he gets up to walk back to the house. For a while, I watch the last of the sunset before I pull my phone from my pocket. The screen lights up, and right away, my eyes focus on Brady’s smiling face. The blow is so hard it reduces me to a crying mess in seconds.
Clenching the phone to my chest, I startle when it begins to ring. Seeing Fallon’s name, I croak, “Hi.”
“How are you?” There’s only a second’s pause, then she rambles, “Don’t answer that stupid question. I just want you to know I’m here for you. I wish I could hug you.”
Hearing my friend’s voice makes the tears start again. “It’s just hard. I can’t wrap my mind around it all. One second we’re happy, and the next, it feels like I’ve been thrown into a horror movie.”