“How old were you?” my mother asks quietly.
“Fourteen.”
“That must have been shocking. I wish you could have told me.”
“How was I supposed to ask questions about it? And I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.”
“Baby, I’m sorry,” she says, as tears track down her face. “Even now it isn’t easy for me to explain. I did a terrible thing. When I got pregnant, I told your father everything. I offered to give him a divorce. But…”
Roderick walks into the room with a box of tissues, sets them down on the coffee table, and walks out again.
My mother grabs one and mops the tears from her face. “Your father decided he didn’t want a divorce. He didn’t want Kyle passed back and forth between us. So we went to counseling. He decided he wanted to be your father, too. And that we would go on as we were before.”
Ouch. “How did that work out?”
“We tried, Kieran. You know there’s tension.”
I snort loudly.
“The thing that you don’t understand is that we loved each other. We had a good marriage before I ruined it, and your dad wanted to try to get that back. But once the trust was gone, it was really difficult.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. There doesn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the world today.
“Your father loves you, Kieran. I believe that with all my heart.”
“That is wishful thinking,” I insist.
“When you were smaller, you two were close,” she says. “He treated you just like he treated little Kyle. But when you were a teenager, you didn’t have as much in common. That’s when you two stopped getting along. And—” She puts her hands together in the prayer position. “I hope that isn’t my fault, too. If you stopped seeing yourself as your father’s child, it probably affected your relationship with him.”
“Yeah, maybe.” But I know she’s right. I was so angry with my ugly secret. I’d spent a lot of time wishing it weren’t true.
“Sorry guys,” Roderick says, entering the room again. “It’s time for a margarita. And the lasagna will be warm soon.”
I look up at him in relief. The conversation was getting heavier than I could bear. “Margaritas?” I ask, glancing at the tray he’s carrying. He’s filled it with three glasses and a pitcher of iced liquid. We never make mixed drinks.
“Well, tequila will always remind me of you, so I bought us a bottle a while back and then forgot to drink it.” He sets the tray on the coffee table. “Mrs. Shipley, would you like a margarita?”
My mother looks between the two of us like she’s trying to untangle a puzzle. “Sure,” she says a beat too late. “Just a half glass, though, because I’ll be driving.”
“I can do that.” He pours her a modest drink and hands her the glass. “Kieran?”
“Hell, yes. Thank you.”
“Anytime.” He looks up from what he’s doing, and our gazes lock. He gives me a smile so warm that I can’t imagine why I wasn’t willing to do anything he asked of me. Roddy is everything. I’m so lucky to have him in my life.
When my mother leaves, I’m so wiped out that I can hardly keep my eyes open.
“Come on,” Roddy says. “Upstairs.”
I follow him on command. I’d follow him anywhere.
He supervises while I brush my teeth and wash up. Then he literally tucks me into bed, pulling the comforter up to my neck. “Here,” he says, plugging in my phone on the bedside table. “If there’s any news about your dad, you’ll hear it.”
“Thank you,” I mumble, my eyelids heavy. “You can stay upstairs tonight? If you want to.” Please.
“I’ll be back,” he promises. “Sleep, okay?”
I’m not sure if I answer him or not. Sleep takes me, either way.
The next thing I know, Roddy is reaching over me in bed, grabbing my phone. The screen illuminates the dark room with a notification.
My sleepy mind is sluggish. My only thought is Roddy is here.
“What time is it?” I croak as I start to wake up for real.
“Three thirty. The message is from your mom. She says that your dad woke up. He’s talking.”
“That’s good, right?” I rub my eyes.
“Yeah. Very good.” Roddy puts the phone face down again, plunging the room back into darkness. “That’s all she wrote, though.” He runs a hand down my arm, clasping my hand. “My alarm goes off in an hour and a half. We should sleep.”
I can’t, though. Roddy is here, where he belongs, and I’m distracted by his nearness. I just lie quietly for a while, wondering what it all means. There’s a really awkward conversation with my father in my future. Everyone knows our darkest family secret.
So, what’s one more secret? I’ll come out to my family—the ones who haven’t already heard, anyway. I feel deeply uncomfortable knowing that I’ll be the topic of discussion for weeks to come. But if it means I have Roddy by my side, it’s all worth it.
“I missed you,” he whispers suddenly in the dark.
That’s all the encouragement I need. I roll onto my side to get closer to him. “I missed you, too. Like, a ridiculous amount.”
He runs a finger down my nose. “I’m sorry. I was trying so hard not to make all the same mistakes.”
“You aren’t, though. I’m ready now. So don’t you dare find some new reason why we can’t be together.”
“I won’t. I swear. I just didn’t want to pressure you. It couldn’t be me who pushed you over the edge.”
“It wasn’t.”
“True.” He rolls up onto an elbow, bringing us nose to nose. “I’m not going to find any more reasons to keep us apart. I wasn’t very good at it, anyway. I forced myself to get out of the house and make some new friends. But I spent a lot of time wishing you were there with me.”
“Don’t move out,” I beg.
“Okay,” he whispers. “Now, do you think you can go back to sleep?”
“Not so much.” I slide a hand under his T-shirt. “But why would you want me to?” His taut stomach is warm and firm under my hand.
“Fair point,” he says, grasping the hem of his shirt and then struggling to lift it off over his head. “You feel like showing me how much you missed me? Because I’m in the mood to give you a personal demonstration.”
“Yeah. Same.” My words are short, but I have reverence in my heart as I lean down to kiss his shoulder. And then his chest. The familiar, soapy fresh scent of his skin is so good that it makes my eyes sting.
“Kieran,” he whispers. “I need you so much that it scares me. I wasn’t looking for this when I came to Vermont.”
“Don’t be scared,” I murmur against his skin. “I’m not going anywhere.” I lift my chin to find his eyes in the dark. And I finally take the biggest leap. “I love you, and I need you, too. I can do what you need me to do.”
Roddy grasps my face in his hands. “You already are.”