The episode of Jeopardy ended, and instantly, another one popped up on the screen, this time with a younger looking Alex Trebek and a whole new set of contestants. Reruns. I wondered if River was thinking about the apple tree, too, in that moment. About our plans to meet each other there in nine years. To read the letters we hid in the barn on my eighteenth birthday.
“Your turn.” River nudged me with his body, startling me. “Tell me about college life, what I’ve been missing out on.”
I took a slow inhale. There was no way for me to really get out of this—talking about my life.
“You haven’t missed out on much,” I started. “College isn’t so great.”
“But, you like your program? And almost being a nurse?”
Before I could control myself, tears came pouring out of my eyes. It was like I was outside in the rainstorm again, the steady wetness streaming down my face. I heard myself sobbing but couldn’t stop.
“Hey.” River pulled my head over his chest. “What’s wrong?”
It took me a couple minutes to regain my composure enough to speak.
“I’m sorry. It’s just—I don’t even know where to begin.”
“With what?”
“With my life. It’s a mess, River.”
I felt his hand rubbing up and down my back.
“What do you mean?”
“Things are not—they’re not good. I’m pretty sure I hate nursing. I completely suck at my clinicals. The only friend I have at school doesn’t give a shit about me. And . . . there’s more.”
“Tell me.”
I so badly didn’t want to disclose the next part to him. I wanted to stuff it down inside of me and never let it see the light of day.
“I’ve been dating this guy. He’s a law student in his last year. He’s six years older than me. I think I might be in love with him or infatuated with him or something. But, he makes me . . .” What was it exactly that he made me? I had to pause to really evaluate it. “Miserable,” I finished.
As I let the words out like pieces of broken glass, more tears streamed down my face, landing on River’s shirt. His hand continued stroking up and down my back. I realized it was like I had been viewing my life from a zoomed in perspective, only able to see certain smudges and details. Now, I had suddenly taken a step back, and I could see the big, ugly picture.
“See?” I said. “My life is a mess.”
“Drew.” His hands moved up to my shoulders and squeezed. “If you don’t like how your life is going, then change it.”
I tried to gather myself, and I pulled back, looking him in the eyes.
“Do something different,” he said.
I sniffed and wiped my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t even know where to start. It’s like I’m in a hole. I don’t know how I got here. This wasn’t my plan.”
“Plans don’t always work out. We can’t control every aspect of our lives. There are some things we can do, though. I’ll be right back.”
He lurched off the couch and headed for the kitchen. When he got back, he had a notebook and pen in his hands.
“Are we writing each other letters again?” I asked.
“We’re making a list. A To Do List, for when you get back home. Tell me more about what’s been going on, Drew.”
“You sound like a psychologist.”
Over the next half hour, I told him everything. Spilled it all. I told him about my experiences in the hospital while doing clinical rounds. I told him about the meeting I’d had with Mrs. Thompson, how her news had crushed me. I told him about Kat and how uninterested she was in my life, and how I felt alone. And I told him about David—how I met him, how we started dating. The anguish I felt over Thanksgiving when he didn’t communicate with me. The night I tried to surprise him in his office. And three days ago, the fight we’d had when I found out he would be vacationing in Fiji all break long.
River gave me his undivided attention the entire time I spoke. When I finished, he turned his attention to the notepad, jotting things down, pausing sometimes and chewing on the pen. After five or so minutes, he set the pen down, ripped the sheet of paper from the notepad, and folded it into fourths. He handed it to me.
“Your To Do List,” he announced. “Look at it when you’re back home, see what you think.”
I placed the folded-up list on a round end table that was an arm’s length away.
“You must think I’m a mess.”
“No,” he said. “I don’t.”
We found each other’s eyes, and I realized that a new sense of relief had come over me. It was like fifty-pound weights had been detached from my limbs, although I hadn’t known they were there before. Still gazing into River’s brown eyes, I shifted closer to him. This time, I let my foot fall from the stack of pillows—the now lukewarm bag of corn sliding off my ankle—that way I could comfortably slip my arms around River’s waist.
River promptly noticed the change.
“Your ankle.”
“It feels fine.”
I scrunched my knees up over his thighs and let my body fully rest against his. His put his arms around me.
We stayed there like that, listening to the low sound of the TV. My body rose and fell in phase with his respiration.
After a while, River spoke into my ear, uttered words that cut through to my core: “I really did wish you were with me, Drew. When I was traveling. I missed you the whole time, so much.”
Pushing against his abdomen, I moved backward a few inches in order to fully see his face. He was looking at me the same way when he’d been holding me by the front door. I felt that tightness reappear in my lungs.
Without thinking, I placed my hands on River’s chest, I neared his face slowly, and I kissed him.
Chapter 12
My vision was blurry.
I blinked in rapid succession until I saw the birdcage lamp. A Moulin Rouge poster. Gray light. My mind relaxed when I remembered where I was. Riley’s place. Seattle.
I tried readjusting on the pull-out mattress but quickly realized that something was preventing me from doing so. River’s arm was draped across my waist, solid and heavy. Not only that, but I realized he was pressed up against my back, and I could feel his warm breath against the nape of my neck.
On the round accent table that supported the birdcage lamp, I noticed the piece of notebook paper that had been folded up into fourths. My To Do List. The events of the previous night started coming back to me more clearly.
I had twisted my ankle out in the rain. River had carried me back to Riley’s house. We had watched some Jeopardy, but mostly talked. He had made the list for me. And I had kissed him.
I remembered that part vividly now. Moving my lips against River’s had somehow been electric and ataractic at the same time, my whole body tingling and easing up. And he had kissed me back. He had lain there, his lips moving against mine, too. I remembered resting against his body again after our lips parted, his arms still around me, neither of us saying a word, and falling asleep.
Now, in the subdued morning light, I wondered, anxiously, what the day would hold. Riley was apparently still slumbering, I assumed Zach with her. I had no idea what time it was. It didn’t seem like I could’ve gotten very much sleep last night considering how late I’d been up, yet I felt thoroughly rested. I realized then that I also felt thoroughly hungry.