I didn’t want to think about the night she left me any more than I wanted to remember the day my folks had died. As soon as I did, a heaviness would settle in my chest, and I’d struggle to breathe.
Beep …… Beep ……Beep ……
Every muscle in my body was tense as I sat there in that cold, stark hospital with Lindsey’s parents. I didn’t want to be there. I knew what was coming, and I wasn’t ready to face it. For months, I’d come to that hospital room every single day to spend time with her. I wanted to hold on to the hope that since her bruises had faded, and her wounds had started to heal, it was a sign she was getting better. But the doctors told us otherwise. Lindsey was in a deep coma with no indication she’d be coming out of it. I wanted to talk to her, tell her how sorry I was this had happened, but I wasn’t even sure she knew I was in that room with her.
I was losing her. I knew it but didn’t want to accept it. My heart couldn’t take it. I felt like someone was trying to pry it right out of my chest, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it but sit there and listen to the monitor as the love of my life slipped through my fingers.
Some might say that nineteen was too young to know what love really was, but that wasn’t true. What Lindsey and I had was the real deal, and no one could convince me differently.
Beep …… Beep …… Beep ……
I’d met Lindsey several years after my folks had passed away in a boating accident. I was still a fucking mess though, consumed with guilt that I hadn’t been with them on the day they’d died.
It was a long weekend, and my dad decided it would be a great time to go fishing at Pickwick State Park. As much as I had wanted to tag along, I wasn’t feeling well and had to stay behind with my sitter, Ada. It wasn’t until the following morning that I’d learned my mom and dad had drowned. I was ripped to shreds over it and couldn’t shake the thought that if I’d been with them, I might’ve been able to help in some way. I was only eleven at the time, so it was crazy to think that I could’ve done anything. That never stopped me from wondering if I might’ve been able to warn them. Maybe then, the water wouldn’t have pulled them through the spillways and drowned them both. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have lost my parents and ended up in fucking foster care.
I’d spent years bouncing around different homes, each one worse than the last, but the tables finally had turned when I met Lindsey’s parents. I could tell right away the Lannisters were nice people with a good head on their shoulders, but they’d been hesitant to take on a sixteen-year-old boy with a history of trouble, especially when they had a daughter at home. I didn’t want to risk losing out on my chance of being in a decent place for once, so I’d thrown on the charm and had done my best to make a good impression. I flashed my baby blues, gave them both a firm handshake, and smiled as I said all the things they’d wanted to hear. Needless to say, my irresistible demeanor had won them over, and it didn’t take long for me to do the same with Lindsey.
Lindsey and I had hit it off immediately, spending every waking moment together. We’d spend hours just talking and goofing off, but after a few months, it’d grown into something more. Lindsey made it easy to fall for her. She wasn’t only beautiful, but she was also sweet, wholesome, and good at heart. I never had to worry about her judging me or having preconceived notions about my being a foster kid. She accepted me as I was and never made me feel unworthy of her love—even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.
It hadn’t been easy keeping our relationship hidden from her folks. Hell, it was written all over our faces anytime we were in the same room together, so I had no idea how they’d missed it. I’d thought things between us would’ve changed when I turned eighteen and the time had come for me to move out, but it hadn’t. Instead, our connection only grew stronger.
Beep ...... Beep ...... Beep ……
The doctors had removed Lindsey’s ventilator, and I knew our time together was coming to an end. I sat there in that hospital, holding her hand and staring at her angelic face, wanting so desperately to turn back the clock to the night of the accident. Then, I could’ve changed my work schedule. I could’ve driven her and her friends to the bowling alley that night. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have been sitting there blaming myself for Lindsey lying in that hospital bed. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have felt like my world was coming to an end.
Beep ...... Beep ...... Beep ......
With her parents standing on the opposite side of the bed, I stood up and leaned over Lindsey, placing my mouth close to her ear as I whispered, “You’re it for me, Lindsey. You’ll always be my girl.”
Beep .............
I was still holding on to her hand when she took her last breath. She was my best friend. My lover. My family. My home. I could feel a cold, deep darkness creep over me as I stood there, staring at her beautiful, lifeless body. I’d had a similar feeling the day my folks had died, but it was nothing like this. The floor seemed to sink beneath my feet, lowering me into a pit of abandonment and regret, and that feeling was only made worse when Lindsey’s father stepped over to me and said, “She loved you, Noah. Planned on spending her life with you. I hate she’s not going to get that chance.”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve been there ... I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to her.”
“No one blames you for what happened, son. You gotta know that.”
“I blame myself. Always will.”
As I walked out of that hospital, I became a different man. I was shattered, and everyone around me knew it. I’d managed to stick around for the funeral, but as soon as it was over, I enlisted. Lindsey’s folks tried to talk me out of it, said they didn’t want to lose both their daughter and me, but I couldn’t stay. Days later, I packed my bags and headed off to boot camp. I needed an escape from the torment of my memories; unfortunately, an escape wasn’t what I’d found. Instead, going to war had only made the darkness inside me grow stronger until it completely took over. I was a shell of the man I once was, devoid of feeling or empathy for those around me, and I feared I’d never find a place where I’d feel like I truly belonged.
I was a man simply meant to be broken. Life had made me that way, and there was nothing I could do to change it—not that I ever would. The darkness that dwelled inside me rendered me capable of doing the unthinkable, making me the kind of enforcer the Sinners needed to handle anything.